I can still see her.

Its been three weeks since my sister died suddenly aged 48. Despite a 8 year age gap we were really close.
I thought id got over the whole “its not.really happened” stage but i havent.
Ive been staying with my brother in law since the funeral. (I should say here, im 40, ive known him since I was 12 so hes really just more of a brother. Ive known him longer than ive not known him). I promised to help him for the first few days in the house without my sister as he had been staying with his parents between her death and funeral.
He decided he wanted to do some clearing out. We started with her clothes - donating to charity shops or throwing out. However weve kept some to have cushions made out of them and i suggested to him that, if theres anything he hesitates over giving away he should keep it just now. In 3 months he might think yep no need to keep it and throw it out but he’ll never get it back if he bins it straight away. All was going ok until yesterday where his parents came to help. My sister worked in a school working with children with autism. She had bought bags and bags of toys and games to use while working with the kids. My brother in law and i decided to donate them to the school she worked at and the plan was i was going to go through them and check what was suitable and what wasnt. My brother in law asked his mum to help me - there was an awful lot. But when we were going through them she was going full speed. Is it suitable? Is it damaged? Bag for school or bin? Whereas i, working in a school too, wanted to take time and go through them thinking about the stories we shared when my sister bought them, the job, the kids etc. It got me really overwhelmed and upset.
After theyd gone and we’d had dinner, i fell asleep on the sofa. He woke me up because he was worried it would affect my sleep given it was 10pm. I woke up that groggy and confused way and was convinced my sister was sitting beside him. I swear I could see and hear her. When I woke up more and she wasn’t there I was really confused as to why she wasn’t there. When I remembered it felt like I’d been kicked in the gut. I could for a monent hear and see her really clearly.
Its just been a really hard day and now i do just feel like im going mad.

I’m just giving this a gentle bump for you, @vivmt - hopefully someone will be along to offer their support. I’m sorry you had such a hard day and I’m glad you’ve reached out.

Feeling like we’re going mad is a common experience when we’re grieving. You might find our support page comforting to read: Am I normal? The loss of your sister is still so recent and raw that you will be going through such a huge range of emotions - I hope that you can be gentle with yourself. You are not alone.

Take care,

Thank you. I found that page really reassuring so thank you so much.
I can just feel myself starting to do what i did when my dad died - judging where i am and how im feeling, whether i should feel better by now cos its been 3 weeks. Im staying with my brother in law just now to help him and im worse than him and i feel guilty that i feel so overwhelmed.
And i feel really guilty about not going to visit her in hospital the weekend before she died because id had a flare up of a chronic pain condition and i was too sore and tired.
My head feels like my worst enemy at the moment.