I can’t bear the pain

I am posting for the first time. I lost my mum four weeks ago tomorrow. She was walking down to my house but I didn’t know she was coming and her heart failed on her way here. The shock of finding her was the most terrible moment of my life. She was coming to sit with my son as I was unwell and was going to hospital to be checked over. The guilt I feel is overwhelming and I feel as if I’m losing my mind. She was my best friend and we lived close to each other and spoke or saw each other every day. I miss her so intensely that I can’t breathe and I feel panicky and totally lost. My dad is frail and so very sad. They have known each other for 79 years. To top it all my brother is seriously ill and I am trying to hold him and Dad together. I am barely holding on but doing so for my kids who are grieving the loss of their amazing Grandma… how does anyone get through this? How does life ever have any meaning again? I keep waiting for her to tell me she’s ok but I can’t lift this heavy blanket of grief that smothers me.


Hi RachelB1,

I’m very sorry for the loss of your mum. It must have been a terrible shock to lose your mum unexpectedly. The feelings that you are experiencing are normal after the loss of a close loved one (so I am told).

I am a bit further down the line with my ‘grief journey’. I lost my lovely dad in November 2022, he had cancer in 2020 and we were told he was cured. Sadly it came back and in September we got the devestating news that it was terminal. We lost him 8 weeks later.

My greatest fear in life was losing my dad. Similar to yourself I saw my dad everyday, I live less than a ten minute drive from my parents house and when he wasn’t calling in we were chatting on the phone. He is the best dad and I miss him so very much.

I have experienced so many emotions since losing dad. Typically they range from underlying sadness and longing to guilt that I couldn’t save him to anger and despair. These emotions come at me to varying degrees on a daily basis. I have found that keeping myself busy is helping and I am trying to support my mum who has lost her husband of 50 years. She has never known a life as an adult without my dad and it’s all very sad and raw still.

It was 4 months yesterday since my dad passed away. Some days I get through the day with just feeling sad, other days the grief can feel overwhelming and like it’s going to knock me off my feet. It does feel maddening as I don’t feel like i understand how my dad could appear fine and then just be taken so quickly. Its very confusing and I feel like I have no control over my mind or thoughts.

I didn’t think I would be able to survive a day without my dad but I keep trying just like my dad told me and wanted for me. I also look to others who have also experienced a debilitating loss and try to remember that there are other people similar to me who are also trying to carry on.

I still feel lost and also do not find the same joy in the things I once did. I hope in time that this changes. It sounds very cliche but I do also try to remember that I am so fortunate to have had my dad for 36 years and it was worth the pain i am experiencing now.

I find that posting on here helps me feel less isolated. Talking to a grief councellor has also given me a space to talk about my dad (but this may not be for everyone).

You have a lot to cope with right now. I hope you can take care of yourself too.


Hi RachelB1

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through. It’s very normal to feel guilty, and overwhelmed after the death of a loved one.

The community is here for you, and I wanted to share a few other Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care, Rhi

Thank you so much for your lovely response. I’m so sorry that you have lost your Dad. Everything you wrote feels so real to me and it sounds like we are on a very similar sad journey. I am trying to support my Dad and it breaks my heart to see his distress too.

I wonder how you are now? How are you coping?


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Hi Rachel,

Thanks for your reply. It was helpful to read over this post as it made me realise that I feel exactly the same way as I did in March.

It’s now been just over five months since I lost my dad and I still don’t know how I will feel from one day or one moment to the next. Keeping busy helps but the sadness is constantly there and my dad always on my mind.

I seem to get days or sometimes a week or more where the grief feels even more unbearable, Easter in particular felt tough. I think the change in seasons and thought of warmer weather was always something that dad and I loved and it feels like he should be here making holiday plans.

I still speak to a councellor but now it’s once a month. This makes me feel like I’m trying to help myself so when I feel sad I feel like I am taking steps to try and feel better.

I feel like I could have written the same exact post today, I don’t know if that means I’m stuck or if this is just normal grief after losing my lovely dad.

How are you doing?