I can’t breath it’s so overwhelming

I lost my mother 4 weeks ago unexpectedly… she wasn’t young, only 20 years older than me And full of life. She looked like an older sister. She was energetic and caring and loving and selfless. Now many people say that about their parents but this was so true as she put other ahead of her own needs, cutting her own salary or sometimes going without to ensure her staff had if company struggling, she worked with orphanages and deprived youths … so much so over 600 people came to her funeral, musicians from orphanages played at her tributes … it was overwhelming the outpouring of grief and love for her and respect. I had just had a baby 17 months before and Shevardnadze would Face time us weekly and he adored her even though only having seen her physically twice due to distance as in other countries. Her shock death tore the family up and we had to work to arrange a funeral and then her children with me the eldest at 38 and my little mother and sister only 22 and 21 has to become directors of her business in order to become signatories, pay wages and then make the awful distressing decision to close her business down that was failing … losing people she had loved and trusted … I feel so exhausted and like I’m sinking into depression. I extended my stay to not leave my siblings with the worst on their shoulders but couldn’t stay any more as I had had to leave my husband behind and take the baby. Then there is question of her property and money owed TO her … she was owed thousands and now out of guilt boards of directors and different people are sending to us… we have to keep it to pay the debts her company is in and pay solictors. It feels like I’ve had no chance to just breath … the funeral was about everyone else and I know she wanted cremation but I had to go along with what others wanted.
There’s so much anger at me at others and myself …the pain is unbearable as I know her last couple of years were such a struggle financially and she was so lonely and always struggled to provide and I wish I had got to that stage to help her…:it was. NOT her time and I’m sick of people saying it was … it wasn’t! She hasn’t even seen a fraction of the places she wanted to, she would use her savings for a holiday on her kids or rent … when I went to stay with my brother and sister in her home the sadness was overwhelming … the days that pass success the funeral are just getting harder … I can’t stabd the pain and I find myself just sobbing randomly … I just need her … finally I thought it was my time, my husband and I were going to move so I could be closer to my mum and actually live abroad but now she isn’t there the country is not the same anymore… I hate she left two kids that only just graduated and desperately need her especially as she was always the moral compass. I just want her back, I need her… the pain is so intense and the knowledge that for once I can’t do a thing about this is awful
I feel so guilty over her business, guilty she wasn’t laid to rest the way I know she wanted, guilty for crying in front of my baby and him getting distraught, guilty that I had to leave and couldn’t stay with myittlw brother and sister and SO ANGRY I just want the pain to stop and Thebes anger to subside …

Hello Jadaxx,

I’m very sorry to hear that you lost your mother 4 weeks ago. You mention that it was unexpected, which must be extremely difficult for you. It sounds as though there is a lot going on for you at the moment, and it’s understandable that you’re exhausted and feeling overwhelmed.

Are you getting any support at the moment? You mention your family, but are you also being supported by your GP or perhaps a counsellor?

A number of the emotions you talk about in your message are often talked about by community members here. We have an article on our website that might be worth a read through. It’s about coping with bereavement and looks at some of the emotions you’ve mentioned and how to cope with them:https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/someone-close-to-me-has-died/advice-and-support/how-can-i-cope-with-bereavement

Take care and let me know if there’s anything I can do to support you.

Best wishes,