I can’t carry on

I lost my Mom in March 2020. She went to bed and didn’t wake up. She was only 63.
Because of the pandemic, we couldn’t have a funeral for her. I really struggle with this.
I had a complex relationship with her. I put up with a lot from her. I always let things go and never said how I felt. A few months before she died, she said something to my Son which really upset me. For the first time in my life, I fell out with her.
When she died I wasn’t talking to her. She tried to make contact with me. A few weeks before she died, I was rushed to hospital with a heart condition as a side effect of Covid. She found out and tried to contact me whilst I was in hospital. I ignored her.
When I came out of hospital (one and a half weeks before she died) she text my son every day to see how I was. The last text she sent before she died was at 11.13pm. It was to my son telling him how worried she was about me.
I can’t live with guilt anymore. It’s destroying me. I should have made contact with her. Why did I ignore her. I don’t want to be here. I’m so sick of living. I miss her so much. I can’t carry on.

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KelR77,
Your relationship with your Mum is far, far more than a falling out.
I had a bad argument with my Mum in her final week, which has greatly troubled me. I deeply regret it, but we were both 50/50 responsible.
I lost my Mum at the end of 2019, so I do understand how hard and painful it is.

Most families argue or have fall outs. We are human. It’s just unfortunate timing when it happens close to a death of a loved one. If they had survived, an argument/fallout or any loss of temper wouldn’t have been remembered.

It’s clear that you dearly love your Mum and that your Mum loved you. Love is stronger than anything and that love continues to grow even deeper when they are no longer here.
I’ve tried to take a lesson from it all. I’m far less likely to argue.

Your Mum wouldn’t want you to make yourself ill over any of it.
Have you though of holding a ‘celebration of life’ for your Mum? It doesn’t have to be costly. It could be something in the open air.

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Please don’t feel guilty. I don’t think there is anyone going through grief who doesn’t have regrets.

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Hi @KelR77 ,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. I just wanted to echo the words of @SueMa and @Daffy123 - I really hope you can take what they say on board, though I can understand how hard that might be right now.

It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. You mention that you can’t carry on. I just want you to know that you are not alone, and you are not alone in feeling this way. We have a video from our Head of Bereavement which might help:

https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide

There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

  • If these thoughts of not wanting to carry on become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

You deserve care and support, @KelR77. Please do consider exploring some of these options. Keep reaching out here, we are here for you.

Take care
Seaneen

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