I can’t do this without him

on 23rd February, 5.19am my brother called me; he told me i had to get to the hospital, my dad i collapsed and stopped breathing. When i was there, me, mum and my brother sat in this small white room, 4 walls with 2 green sofa; it had a big photo of two daisies; i can remember this so clearly because i couldn’t look anywhere else, my eyes fixated to them. The duty doctor who was looking after my dad came into the room around 8.46am; he told us that it wasn’t looking good; he was going to die that day; if his heart could beat on his own; he would have been brain damaged. Me and mum were allowed to see dad in the downstairs ICU for just a couple of minutes; he looked terrible. At 11.41 The doctor had told us to go home, they would call us when they had more information; at 12.56 we had that call; we had to go back to the hospital, dad didn’t have a lot of time… We got to the hospital 1.45ish and was taken straight into the ICU; i begged him to be okay, i begged him to stay, i promised him i would be good… at 3:00 the hospital look him off life support; he looked amazing, he looked so healthy and peaceful; snoring away; it was the best sleep he had since his stroke 5 years ago! - 3.10 he took his last breath; with the wife; best friend and soul mate he had been with since he was 12 and married to for 35 years; along with me and my brother that he adored and cherished for 28/30 years; he was my absolute hero, my first love! whenever i needed him (which was a lot) he was there for me, night or day!! i haven’t had time to greave, i’m the strong one out of my mum and brother; i’ve dealt with all the finances and funeral preparations… i’m not ready to say goodbye yet! it doesn’t feel real! i don’t wanna go on without my dad; i’m absolutely heart broken!!

Dear Chelseannx,

From the way you are writing about your dad I can see how much you loved him and what he meant to me. To have a relationship like that is so special and makes the loss so incredibly painful. The last moments with him much have been so difficult for you, your mum and your brother, but it mus have been a great comfort for your dad to have you there, even if he was not able to respond. They say that even when people are unconscious, they can can hear what people say and sense the presence of their loved ones.

I think your dad would have been so proud of you for dealing with all the practical hings that need to be done. I remember so well those first weeks after my dad died. He, like your dad, was my rock and always there for me. My mum was so grief stricken that it was down to us to make all the arrangements and it was only much later that we had a chance to grieve.

Try to take one day at a time and think not too far ahead. The pain will gradually get less. Your dad and your memories of him will always be in your heart. I often think: what would my dad have said to me? and I think that in my heart I know what he would have said.

Sending a big virtual hug to you and wishing you the strength to face each day.


1 Like

Hi chelseannx
So sorry for you losing your Dad. It is good you are sharing, i hope you find comfort when you read some posted.
It was quick the way thing happened on the 23 February but think that you were with you family showing him all the love all of you have for him.
It maybe he felt you and heard your voice that coild have helped him in the last minute .
Sorry i cannot tell you something that make the pain to go, unfortunately all your life has change but recalled the voice of your Dad what he told you when there was a trouble thoses moments of wisdom. He love you and gave you the best advise to prepare you for hard times.

Don’t be scary of the future , your mum, brother and you seem to be close so stay close and be brave to express your feeling don’t hide or pretent to be strong as normally mums dont say anything because worry for their son or dauthers, and dauthers dont say anything because her mum.
All your feelings are raw, you have been brave dealing with all paper work now give time to yoursel to prepare for funeral.
As people say take one day at a time, be patient, try not to plan ahead to much, take your time.
When your feel the pain is too much hug your family,
Stay in touch with this community.

Hugs xx

1 Like