It started with my gran in 2012 then my dad’s other half was diagnosed with cancer and died on christmas day 2014…My dad was her carer and i tried everything to help him with his grief, he started drinking, eating and not sleeping to the point he fell out with me because i kept asking him how he was, what he was doing,if he was drinking.
Luckily we made up but i was getting trouble in my work in september 2015 so i phoned him & got no answer…then phoned him again, again & again…i spoke to my brother and sister, they hadn’t heard from him…it’s the first and only time he never answered or phoned back, so we went down to his house and he was gone…we found him in his bed, with the dog next to him…i can’t stop seeing it
I took the dog and managed to keep her a few days, then she had to get put down because she had cancer & one of the tumors burst…i didn’t know she had cancer so i had to take her and see her go
As we were organising everything we’d literally just stepped out the door of the funeral directors and got a phone call to say one of our friends had gone
that isn’t everything but it’s the main three…then this year i was in a car accident i hit a lamp post head on, i was lucky to walk away from that, my brother who was suppose to be watching out for us, he took control of my dad’s estate and spent all his money, i don’t care about the money it wont bring my dad back but i care that he didn’t have the decency to keep some so my dad has his place, his headstone, that’s all he had to keep and he’s been lying to me and my sister for months! i’ve had to work every extra shift so i can pay for it and he just doesn’t care that he’s put me in debt because of his greed…my sister and i have got nothing moneywise from my dad because of him.
i’m not sleeping and haven’t properly since september last year, i feel completely drained and i’ve just had enough
i’ve been on auto pilot for most of this time, normally i would have been all over that and i’m kicking myself for not seeing what i normally would…i don’t feel like i can ask anyone for support because they don’t understand, none of my friends have lost their parent or close friends and the only family i have left are hurting me and my sister and going through the same thing…my mother takes every opportunity to hurt me, my brother and sister and the only person that stopped her has gone, friends i thought would be there for me have disappeared, i’ve never asked them for anything and the one time i need them they aren’t there…i’m scared i’m going to explode with anger and i know i’m hurting deeply but i’m worried it’s something else
I haven’t coped very well in a while i lost half of my family and the only person that really had my back…i miss my dad so much, i feel like my safe place has gone, he was the only person i’d speak to about anything and i just can’t deal with anymore heartache etc… i am/ i was an upbeat person and i feel like i’ve lost my personality and emotions and i’m constantly fighting to get up and keep it going
Sorry for rambling on…i just don’t know what to do anymore
Hi Lea,
I am so sorry to hear about all of your losses - you have certainly had an awful time of it in the last few years. It sounds as though you are feeling overwhelmed and very alone. I hope that it helps even a tiny bit to be able to write it all down here - you never need apologise for “rambling on” on this site.
There are many other people here who have experienced loss and who will relate to some what you are going through. For example, I thought you may be interested to talk to Lou25, who has also just joined. Although her situation isn’t exactly the same as yours, she is also having some problems with her brother after the death of her mum.
You can read and reply to what she wrote here: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/pregnant-and-lost-my-wonderful-mum
You say you don’t have anyone to talk to, so I wonder if you would also consider some counselling? A good first step would be to make an appointment with your GP, who can refer you to support in your area.
Was the money that your brother spent left to you and your sister as well? I would have thought you could take legal action against him for that, although I understand that might feel like more than you can face at this point.
Do you know something…seeing most of it written down has helped because i can look at it and actually see how bad it is, i don’t think i realised how much everything has been getting to me, until i read it back
I do feel like that…i’ve never felt more alone, i think councilling is a good idea, i never went when i should have a few years ago because i find it hard to open up sometimes but i will ask
My dad treated us all the same so everything should have been split 3 ways…i feel like i let my dad down but i trusted my brother, i don’t know if i can handle it at the moment
I’m glad i found this site because it’s the first time i’ve spoken/written about anything that’s been going on
I’ll send lou25 a message and see if she would like to talk to me
Thank you
It’s good that writing it down has helped you to process everything - acknowledging those feelings and giving yourself a chance to feel them can really make a difference.
I’m glad to see that you’ve replied to Lou25, too - keep posting if you find that it helps.
Hi Lea
Have just been reading your posts and wanted to say how sorry I am you are being put through this by relatives.
I have the same with a someone who has no social boundaries. Arrives and stays with me for days on end, is joint executor with me of my Mum’s estate and is only interested in the value of items and what they will sell for. It is so painful when you see sentimental possessions rejected as clutter and rubbish.
The situation with your Dad’s dog is so sad. I empathise with that so much having just had a much loved pet put to sleep due to illness and feel i have lost another link with my Mum.
I have no real advice except to say keep on taking each day as it comes and I hope you (and I) will feel more positive about things soon.
Mel.
Hi mel
How are you?
It’s just got progressively worse over the last wee while and it’s family
how have you dealt with this person? I don’t think i could keep calm having someone invade my grief like that and acting the way they are
I’m so sorry to hear that someone is being that way with you, telling someone like that how you feel is really hard and it’s really hurtful that they are putting pound signs before your feelings… my brother has done the same thing with my dad’s possessions and clothes and watching it is horrible…i had to pick stuff out that he’d just chucked away like it was nothing!! I think the hardest bit is constantly asking yourself why or trying to understand how they could be like that,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had to put a pet down aswell as everything else your going through, it is like losing a link and going through that is so sad, i like to think my dad’s dog is with him and i hope you can feel that about your pet and mum
I think that’s some good advice because trying to deal with the future without the people i’ve lost is sometimes really hard to see but in saying that my dad’s words keep coming back to me
Stay strong, tomorrow will be better
I hope you are okay and a wee bit of positivity wont go amiss
Sorry everytime i talk about it i feel like i’m rambling
I hope your well
Lea xxx
Hi Lea
It is a difficult one knowing how to deal with problem relatives and one I have not yet solved. I work on the basis that it will be all be over at some stage with the sorting out, to salvage what I can of sentimental value and that I will one day make a life of my own. Whether that life will include my difficult relative is something I have to decide in the future - is very unlikely I will maintain much contact however.
I am lucky in that a friend of my Mums has been extremely supportive of me and has told me to just call in on her and her husband anytime I need to. I don’t abuse this, just knowing I can is enough. It was interesting to me they had noticed the problem without me saying anything.
I hope your week has improved. As you rightly say, stay strong.
Mel
Xx
Hi Lea
Priscilla pointed me in your direction.
I’m sorry you have been through so much, truly awful and heartbreaking.
I don’t know how your brother could be so unthoughtful and lie to you both about this.
I have lost 3 family members this year and almost lost my dog. I was particularly close to Nan though as she brought me up and was a Mum to me.
I know how you feel on lots of levels, unless they’ve lost someone they loved unconditionally, other people rarely understand, although they are sympathetic.
I too am struggling day-to-day and on autopilot, there, but not there. I don’t sleep soundly at night, but could happily sleep during the day.
I’m hanging on to “normality”, but it’s not normal and will never be normal again. I cry randomly and at things which remind me of those I’ve lost.
There’s underlying family issues too, money was released from Nan’s estate early to cover funeral costs of my Aunt and her two split it and spent it, also jewellery went missing while Nan was dying, others have said it’s one of them, nobody wants to say anything though as it will rip the family apart, what can you do, I don’t feel the same about them, but I still love them and it’s only possessions and money, it just irks me that people behave so appallingly.
Are you going to counseling? I think you should try it.
If you want a chat feel free to contact me.
Warm wishes
Gemma
Hi Lea, just been catching up with the posts and read yours. Please know that my heart goes out to you. I lost my husband in May and have good and bad periods, so things will feel better at sometime. My parents died within 6 weeks of each other and my brother went away and left me to deal with everything but he soon appeared for the divi ! His wife thought she should have everything, my brother being the eldest so instead of support I got greed. It is always surprising when family don’t pull together and it is like having extra loss. If it is any consulation , everything in my life has broken since Paul died ; even my dog needed an operation within days of him dying, and it is really really difficult to get up each day and cope, always feel tired but there are so many good caring people out there and I am sure you will find them. People on this site are so very supportive, always ready to listen and I think that goes a long way, so although you will have to find what works for you , remember we are hear for you, sending all our best wishes.