I have tried so hard to move forward from my husband Peters death which will be 4years next April have gone to various events and done lots of things with my 3 sons and 1 daughter have made new friends after losing a lot of the old ones go out walking my dog every day and talk to people. We had to sell our family home in march 2020 which was stressful for me as had lived there for 33 yrs we had to sell as my husband had accrued a lot of debts and this caused confrontation between us i had to look after him in his family bungalow because he had parkinsons come 24th April 2020 he was taken very ill on the Thursday morning at 3am by the friday at 7.45 he died i wasnt able to see him and be with him because of Covid rules nor our sons. I wasnt able to say to him i am sorry for my behaviour towards him and that i forgave him for the trouble that was caused because of his debts. The funeral was small only 7 family members were allowed which upset us all as he was very highly thought of where he worked at a large car company. How am i going to work my way through this if i havent done so after all this time. We had our bad times but we loved each other and i miss him so badly i cry a lot especially today after hearing about Shane Mc Gowan who we both enjoyed listening too i have health issues as well and cant walk properly and in pain a lot of the time. I feel so lost and lonely without him. I have needed to get this off my chest for a long time thank you anyone who happens to read this . Love to everyone on this wonderful forum. Jenny. Xx
Jenny, bless you i do feel for you. Life is so difficult, sounds like youve had so much to deal with.
Illness and the stress of moving. Financial problems. Dealing with your grief during covid and lockdown. I think it seems like there is no normality. So surreal, you lost your husband your home and everything upside down. No dipping in with everyone living their lives. Almost like our lives have been paused and the play button hasnt been pressed…not yet
I lost Elliott my son suddenly in Feb 2020, but then had to grieve isolated from friends etc. Who knows if it made a difference. But i feel stuck. Im also selling the house and will downsize. I am seperating from my partner who has not been very supportive or kind.
I feel like im lost and alone. But not always. I am lucky to have an amazing son and friends. They keep me going. I think though its baby steps. Maybe when i look back i am functioning better. We have to keep going. We are adaptable and can keep trying and hoping that we find stability in life and some joy. Keep going, i think im talking to myself as well. We need to keep going and find strength to strive for better times. Xxx Lynne xx
Dear Lynne. 1 Thank you for your lovely reply my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your son in 2020 it was such a hard time then for so many bereaved people that i think it made everything feel worse that we couldnt be with our loved ones everyone i know gets on with their lives as it should be but it does make us feel so lonely i feel like you that i am still stuck in 2020 but we are adaptable and can carry on trying i donpost very often on here as i dont want the newley bereaved to think it wont get better everyone is different in how they grieve i will carry on trying and hoping i will find some happiness and joy in life. Jenny. Xx
Aw … you been through it haven’t you ? Bless … we all have on here one way or another ! Such a terrible thing to lose a partner … makes you feel so lost doesnt it 
have you had any bereavment counselling ? You know sue ryder do online bereavment counselling ? Maybe think about it. It does help. Ive had it , but its not a magic wand just gets your main issues out into the open. Take care xx
Hi Jenny, wow that’s a lot to get through, illness, debt, covid and all the rules covid brought in.
I’m not surprised that you are still struggling with your grief. There are many stories on this forum and they are all heartbreaking and devastating, i know I am grieving since my husband’s death this September (very early days for me) and I can’t see an end to it, I miss our life so much and I’ve not had all your trauma. This forum helps as you are able to get your story out there amongst others who understand grief. Keep strong, you have been through a lot, sending hugs x
Sounds like u have been through do much. Have u done bereavement counselling? If not i think that might help you. Xx so many ofbus on here have different stories xx good luck!!
Thank you Deb5. Kathy6. Julie bobs for your lovely replys to my post i will try to keep plodding on and see the best in my life with my children and grandchildren but will miss my peter until i will be with him again. Much love to you all. X
We can only do what we can do, take care x
@Jen153
That’s sad to hear and does resonate with me as my beautiful wife was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in 2019 and lockdown was not easy. Her health deteriorated and her diagnosis was changed to MSA (Parkinson’s type) . She couldn’t get upstairs in our house but thankfully we managed to sell and move to a bungalow which we adapted for her and she loved her new home.
Only 2 1/2 weeks since I lost her so still very raw but I feel she’s around me and she’s in eternal peace and pain free now which gives me some solace. Sammy (our cat) and I miss her !
She adored Christmas and family time so my daughter and I are going to do the house as she would like once the funeral is over
@Jen153 I would strongly urge you to seek out grief counselling to help you through this and help you to organise your thoughts and feelings. Your GP may help but also Cruse provide this.
It sounds from your message as though you are holding on to a lot of guilt - guilt about comments you may have made to him or feelings you may have had towards him, guilt about a small funeral, etc. Guilt is a phase that we can pass through n the bereavement process and I’m hoping you’re not stuck in it 
We all may say, think or feel things that we now regret. My husband and I had a very easygoing, placid relationship but in his final 2 days (his was a sudden & unexpected death) we had tiff on both days. Although I sincerely wish this hadn’t happened over trivial things I sincerely don’t think it matters. I know that he loves me and I love him and any tiff, comment, etc is not going to change that. He is reunited with his family members now and having an amazing time and all he knows is love. He would most definitely not want me to be cutting myself up about a few minor tiffs, especially when compared to the many, many happy years we shared.
It also sounds like you may feel guilt over the funeral but this is something that was entirely out of your hands so you have no reason to. The people who mattered the most were there and I’m sure that’s what he really cared about.
I feel you need to be a lot more gentle on yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about, so please stop punishing yourself. I sincerely doubt that this is how he would like to see you 
@Reality
Sound advice
Dear Cat _fan. My sincerest condolences to you for the loss of your dear wife. Parkinsons is a horrible thing to see our loved one suffer with. I live on my own so dont think i will do christmas here just go to my daughter.
Dear Reality thank you for your very sound advice i have thought about getting counselling because of the guilt i feel and yes i do think i am stuck in it and cant move forward. My sincerest condolences to you for the loss of your husband it sounds as though you had a very good marriage. Which wasnt always the case for me but i know i cant carry on with the feelings of guilt that i have as it will eat me up eventually. Take care and look after yourself. X
@Jen153
Hi Jen,
I really feel for you after reading your post. Having to deal with all you have gone through Bereavement, Debt, Loss of home & all through Covid as well as your own health issues is as devastating as it gets i believe.
I’m only new to this forum as i only lost my Wife of 31 years Anna 3 weeks ago to Cancer after a 16 month battle.
Her Funeral was only on Wednesday gone & I’m still struggling badly to come to terms with any of it.
I can only sympathise with the situation surrounding your Husband’s Funeral as Covid protocols in place back then were so hard to deal with for families who had lost loved ones. I’m certainly no expert but you probably haven’t grieved fully for the loss of Peter & this may be why you feel the way you do.
As i said I’m only 3 weeks in & still it doesn’t seem real to me, my Anna was my whole world & i feel so angry & cheated by life, i dread to look forward to 4 years from now & believe that i will still be feeling the same as i do now.
I have been contacted by a grief counsellor from the Hospice that was taking care of my Wife at home to assess my situation & they feel that i would benefit from some counselling sessions which i plan to attend.
I would urge you to look down this route yourself to see if there is anything you could gain from it, i believe it could potentially help someone at your stage of the grief process. I too was always a fan of Shane McGowan & the Pogues being from an Irish background & it was sad to hear of his passing also.
Hopefully you can seek some help that can help you come to terms with the loss of Peter after all this time.
My Thoughts and prayers are with you & your children xx
Sending peace & Love to you all xx 
Hi VillaBoy My sincerest condolences to you for the loss of your dear wife it is very early days for you. it is good that you are going to have counselling i feel like you say i didnt have any because of the way everything was back then and i havent been able to let my feelings out i couldnt have done so to my kids it was a terribly difficult time then. It has been quite helpful to post on here and let my feelings out but do realise that i need some professional help. I would hope for you in 4 yrs time that life will be more kind and joyful than it is now we never get over our grief we learn to live alongside it. Shane McGowan and the Pouges were brilliant i am also from an Irish background i do hope that Fairytale of New York gets to no1 it would be a fitting tribute to him and Kirsty McColl. Thank you so much for your kind and helpful reply my thoughts also to you and your family. Love to you. Jenny. Xx
We are all on dif
Don’t worry about not
Getting over your grief
Can I tell you it took me eight years to come to terms with my grief
No one are all the same
And it’s worse if you were close to them
So don’t beat yourself up
It’s a normal thing you’re going through
Dear Jenny, I have just read your post and some of the replies. There is not much more I can add except that my heart goes out to you and I am sending you love. Thank you for having the courage to post here and share what you have been through and how you are feeling. I have found that just saying it and sharing your thoughts here or with a counsellor can help. I wish you strength and less difficult days.
With love.
Dear Candy. Thank you so much for your lovely words. i am sorry to see you lost your husband a year ago i hope things are a little easier for you now we all have to try to live our lives for our partners i will always miss Peter and the life we shared i have decided to go for councilling as a lot of people who replied to my post have suggested i do . I definatly i need to get out all the hurt i feel. Love to you. Jenny. X
@Jen153
Im so pleased to hear you’re getting help, some things run deep like hurt and we need help to put those unhelpful feelings aside so we can deal with our grief. I hope that all works well for you.
My wife’s journey took some considerable time so we had no such issues as we addressed some time ago, just the pain of her passing that I have to deal with but knowing that she’s resting in eternal peace and free of pain gives me that comfort.