Shes been gone eighteen months. Twelve of those I’ve been living on my own. Friends and relatives see me regularly . They think Ive moved on and am ok and I thought I had but I havent and Im not. She died of throat cancer , almost certainly caused by smoking . Im having yet another go at giving it up. This bout of loss ,pain and grieving seems to have started again about the time I stopped smoking again but I really can’t see the connection. I hate life. Don’t panic I would never harm myself but I go to bed at night, when I can get to sleep, hoping that I dont wake up. This is no way to live and Im fed up with it.
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Oh that’s so sad it’s a horrible way to live. I hope you find some peace soon.
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Peterj,
I don’t normally reply on the losing a partner thread, as I didn’t lose a partner. I lost my Mum a few years ago. People hate the word lost but I still use it. I certainly found the second year very tough and raw.
I’m a former smoker. One of the reasons, I’m replying is that I found niquitin lozengers brilliant. The patches too are highly recommended. If you haven’t tried a replacement tobacco, in particular Niquitin, then give it a go. I haven’t smoked in over 17 years. It worked for me.
Take care
I can relate. I often think i’m ok but today, for example, when walking in the park and with nobody around I felt the need to call her and shout her name out to the world and the sky. I often do that. My brain just will not accept the idea that she is gone forever. I sometimes speak to the box holding her ashes, Do cut out the smoking peterj, you know what a horrible disease cancer is, I stopped as soon as my wife was diagnosed, now I can’t bear to be even near cigarette smoke.