I lost the love of my life 16 months ago and what a struggle they have been too. My mum didn’t like my Rob much ( most of the time ) but in all fairness they got on for the sake of me and the kids .
I am kind of getting used to having my own space ( only because I have to) and these last 16 months my mum has been playing me up somewhat.
I really think that since Rob is no longer here she has thoughts or plans to move In With me , as much as I love my mum the thought horrifies me. I live In a house and at the age of 84 she can’t manage my stairs too well so she tends not to drink while she’s here.
To cut a long story short she has now developed these panic attacks which I say come and stay with me for a day or two , now I’m wondering if I’m feeding this game.
I totally understand as we get older we panic about things that never bothered us but as harsh as it sounds I don’t want her staying with me as I wouldn’t get time to myself . Rob had always said she’s not coming to live with us , she’s not the easiest of people to get on with and can be difficult at times so in that respect I feel I am still supporting him even though he’s no longer around .
Thanks for reading take care Karen x
Dear @Kazzer
I am sorry to hear of the loss of your partner. It can be very hard with elderly parents more so if they are on their own. By that I mean they are in need of company and just want someone to talk to.
Have you considered having a chat with your mum about how you feel and how she feels and as to what is causing the panic attacks? For example, does she want to move in with you or just come round and chat or is there an underlying issue that is causing the panic attacks?
Take care.
Pepsi
Oh Karen, such a tough situation for you. Is there any way your mum could maybe move nearer to you (in a bungalow perhaps) where she isn’t actually living with you??
I do think that your life wouldn’t be your own if she moved in with you and you’re just really starting to get used to living with your own grief after losing Rob.
I think you need an honest heart to heart with your mum (not easy, I know) but you have to think of yourself. You sound like a very caring person and I hope you can come to some agreement whereby you’re both happy but you don’t have to sacrifice your own space. It doesn’t sound harsh you saying you don’t want your mum to stay with you, it’s perfectly understandable after you’ve had the trauma of losing Rob.
Take care, Janey xx
Hello Kazzer
Condolences on your loss Kazzer.
What a difficult situation you are in sadly. When I lost my Husband I went back to live in my family home 25 miles away as I had no relatives nor friends where we were. It just my Husband and me. It proved stressful for all concerned. I couldn’t grieve and I felt I shouldn’t have invaded their space somewhat. I know you’ve been bereaved 16months but I found the 2nd year worse. I hadn’t been able to get back to my marital home since as Mum developed Alzheimer’s and sadly passed away 6weeks ago.
The hard part will be making your decision that doesn’t put you in the firing line for any regret further down the road. Obviously you would have no cause to feel regret but that won’t stop the regret-monster from knocking on your door, and you want to keep that door tightly shut.
Things are never black and white are they? I really wish you well in your decision. Sending kindness
It’s so difficult being on your own but I think it’s good as well to have your own space to be able to grieve x
Hi Kazzer
I can totally relate to how you are feeling about your mum. I have similar issues with mine who is 93 & living alone.
The way we are feeling because of our grief makes it very difficult to cope with & try to run our own lives, so to have the responsibility of someone else’s on top of that I am finding to be totally overwhelming.
I find people of this sort of age can be very selfish & I feel that my mother does not take into consideration what has happened to me or how I am feeling or coping. An example of this is 2 days after my husband suddenly & unexpectantly dropped dead in front of me at home she was on the phone demanding I take her shopping, she just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do it, in the end I had to ring round & get a cousin to take her.
I have no other close family only her & feel that rather than getting any sort of support from her when I needed it I was just expected to forget what had happened to me & carry on seeing to her needs.
I tried to bottle all this up for a long time so as not to upset her but it all came to a head at Christmas when she told me I had to cook her a Christmas dinner & have her on Christmas day because people would be asking her if she’d been to her daughters for Christmas, again absolutely no thought whatsoever about how I felt, or how I wanted to spend the first Christmas without my husband. I ended up having a massive row with her & telling her exactly how she was making me feel.
There is no way I could live with her, my life is bad enough without that as well, I also understand what others have said about feeling guilty but I do think she knows she is doing it & sends me on guilt trips, even though she denies it.
Sorry for the long rant, just good to know you are not on your own going through these things, or having these feelings x
Keskai it is good to know I’m not the only one who has a mother who’s see their needs are greater than anyone else . At my Rob funeral she never shed a tear I can’t believe someone could be so hard . Every week Rob welcomed her into his home after my dad had passed away for her Sunday lunch . I’m an only child so it all falls on me . I had a chat and explained how it’s not suitable for her to come and live with me I’m a carer and so I need my space when I get home after long shifts . She will be fine now for a few weeks and it will all start again we keep going up and down this same bit of road .
She doesn’t realise how devastated I was when Rob was taken so suddenly and so quick it has totally shaken my world and it’s been shaking for the past 16 months .
Take care I’m sure we will get through this as best we can x
It’s different for me. My mum and dad have passed away and my husband ten months ago. It’s a daily struggle. I woke up this morning feeling scared and lonely. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to being alone. I feel all my confidence has gone I miss him so much and don’t know how to cope with this x
Nel
I am sorry for your loss I feel the same my husband passed away 17 weeks ago I to have lost my confidence anxious all the time,It’s like living In a nightmare I will never get over 3
I miss Steve so much its painful
Take care
Christine x
How do you cope with the anxiety Christine ?
Nel
Anxiety is an awful thing to go through it gives me palpitations
I didn’t want to have to go on medication but eventually had to because I wasn’t coping after my husband passed awaythe doctor has given me antidepressants but I’m still anxious maybe I haven’t been taking them long enough yet
I feel so lost without Steve very vulnerable now
Take care
Christine x