I don’t get it

Hello all
Ever since I lost my mum I’ve never been able to work out why I’m still here. Most people would have taken their lives without even a thought. I don’t get it
Day my mum went I lost everything and I’m still here. I still think about ending it all. Maybe I’m too much of a coward. The truth is I don’t want to be here no more. There is nothing keeping me from doing what has to be done. Don’t worry I am not going to commit suicide.
I can’t help questioning how I feel. I feel devastated no energy and I’m tired of this grief angry she’s gone and I feel tremendous guilt I wasn’t there by her side. What kind of a son am I. I let myself down and my mum. I don’t know which way to turn all I want is to be with my mum.


If you put yourself in her shoes would she be blaming you for missing her final moment? I doubt it. So many times as a registrar I would hear mothers especially wait until their relatives were not in the room to die. She would want you to carry on

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I wish it was that easy. I was in work day it all happened I would have wanted to at least hold her hand and say goodbye. I was robbed of that.


Hi Steven, I’m sorry for the loss of your mum and that you are feeling the way you are.
I had my youngest son’s funeral 2 days ago. He was 25 years old and when he died I was not there for him. His death was unexpected and I was in shock…unable to process what had happened. I am in pain and heartbroken I will never see him or hug him again. I always thought if something happened to one of my children that I would not want to be here anymore. But I have my oldest son to support and he needs me here. As a mother, I would want my son to be happy and to live his life the best way he can after I’m gone.
It’s going to take time but you will find it easier to live with the grief and you will stop feeling guilty because you are still here and your lovely mum isn’t.
I lost my youngest brother and my dad two years ago only a week apart so I have been through this before. I felt awful guilt and sadness that my brother was not here and I was. It took me a long time to accept my brother was not coming back and nothing I could do would change what has happened.It does get easier and you will always have your precious memories.
Sending strength to you :heart:


I lost my husband 3 months ago & I carry a lot of guilt that I didn’t notice sooner or if I did things differently he would be here. I am just torturing myself & on this forum reading how people feel the same shows I am not alone. To cope I just focus on today & getting through it as best I can. My husband was only 53 when he died which made death very real to me something I’ve known of course but never really thought about. As a mum I would hate for any of our children to be suffering like you are. I know this is a part of grief & the feelings of guilt for me are sometimes extremely overwhelming. You are not alone in how you feel there are quite a lot of us out there xxx Take care. x


Hi there.
I am so sorry to hear you lost your son. I have a daughter aged 30 I could never imagine my life without her though her and I are so estranged after her mum took her away 20 years ago. It’s true when I say this I no Longer love my daughter like I used to it’s hard to explain but fighting for custody of a child aged 9 at the time tore me apart that’s what the family court system does to parents ifs all designed to destroy families it doesn’t help my daughter has cerebral palsy
As for my grief over my mum I’ve lived with it for over 7 years now since my mum went. In all that time I’ve come to realise it’s not just torture it’s the worst kind of torture. How do you live with losing the one person who you know makes your life complete
What doesn’t help me is I do a job where I get loads of abuse. I’m really going through it


I know this feeling all too well! As I also lost my Mum in March last year. Every time I wake up I wonder why I am still here and I really don’t know who I am anymore.

I often say to myself that I want to die but I’m not suicidal, and I figure that there must be a tiny part of me that wants to continue to live and that’s the part that prevents me from doing anything to end it all.

I hold on to that tiny part of me to keep going as it’s what my Mum would have wanted as hard as that is!

We are all so hard on ourselves and most of us think about the what ifs and suffer from guilt thinking we are to blame for them leaving this world when in reality there’s nothing we could have done differently.