I don’t know where to start…

My husband died 2 weeks ago. He was recovering from throat cancer which started last year but his swallow was still affected. He was improving though, so we moved house in February & had the full move and packing etc so he wouldn’t feel he had to do too much-we’d put it off during Covid and his cancer treatment and he wanted to move so his family could visit from the USA and stay with us.

3 weeks after we moved he was still feeling exhausted (we had both been so tired from the move, we put it down to that), he went to the GP who thought he had an infection. No meds worked so he went back for a blood test and was rushed to hospital on March 2nd when the results showed all his blood cells were dangerously low. They thought it was sepsis but a biopsy showed Acute Myeloid Leukaemia. It took about 5-6 weeks for all the results to come in. He had chemotherapy but a second biopsy showed it hadn’t worked. He died on 18th May, 5 days after coming home.

I am devastated! I’m trying to do all the things I’m supposed to, inform the right people etc. I fluctuate a lot at the moment, sometimes feeling on top of things, then, like today, just crying all the time. I cannot get used to my amazing husband bring reduced to a series of administrative tasks to erase him from everything! Everything I do feels wrong.

The funeral is next week as I had to wait for his family to arrive from Texas. I will miss him forever. We were so compatible and I had never felt that before. I love him so much and can’t believe he’s not here with me.


Hello @Spiral, welcome to the community. I’m glad you have found us and hope you find it a support, but so sorry for the loss of your husband that brings you here.

I’m sure others will be along to offer their support soon. I think many of us can identify with what you’re feeling- there is so much to organise in the immediate aftermath of losing loved ones that feels wrong and surreal.

You’ve mentioned not knowing where to start, so I wanted to share our grief self help platform with you: https://selfhelp.sueryder.org/ Some have said that reading others’ experiences have been helpful. Or you might find that journalling can help you to make sense of what is happening and how you’re feeling.

We will be thinking of you next week. Please do keep reaching out - you are not alone.


My husband died in sept also of cancer. It’s awful seeing someone you love go through the suffering. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed as there is so much to do on top of dealing with your grief. You just have to take one day at a time and get through them. It’s a long process, it’s been 8 months for me but sometimes it just feels like yesterday.
Take care of your self xx