I don’t want the memories

Hi there
I lost my Dad in May this year , it still feels so surreal .
People keep telling me , ‘hold onto the memories’ , he ll always been in your heart or he ll always be with you .

Why does this make me feel
So angry ? , I don’t want to remember the memories, I don’t want him in my heart, I want him here with me now, making more memories, laughing , cuddles , special moments.
Memories won’t do , it’s impossible to accept now he doesnt exist, he is just a memory , of a life , a husband , a Dad, Bampy, who was only 2 months ago with us and so so special .
People will forget him , what if I forget him?
I try every day to remember the little intricacies of his face, his voice, his laugh , but I can’t . Is his existence fading away already ?
I’m bereft with grief and sadness but I feel so angry , I need him here, to
Walk back through my door and for everything to be back to normal , life as it was and always has been .
I hate this new life

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People used to say that to me in the beginning and i too remember feeling so angry at them.
Then they stop talking about the person and that is another upsetting step in this whole process
You just have to go through all the emotions thrown at you. And there are and will be so many.
Keep taking very small steps every day . Its all you can do now
Thinking of you
Deborah x

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You have every right to be angry.
Your dad is not fading.
You’ll never forget him because, in so many ways, you are part of him.

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@PaulK

Love that! X

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Sorry for your loss. :heart: I’ve always hated when people say that too. I suppose it’s meant to be a comfort, but it isn’t the memories we want, it’s the person. Memories are a poor substitute. I know I get angry because it feels like you’re expected to be content with that, having the good memories and hearing that they always will be with us. But I will never be content with it, it will never be enough, even if it is what I have to make do with now. Which I hate as well, the lack of choice.

It’s just plain awful, losing a loved one, and nothing about it is ok. You won’t forget him, I can promise you that, but I know the fear of losing details and it’s a real one, because our minds try to protect us from the pain. I’ve written things down, all the stuff I remember and worry I will forget, like favourite foods and quirks. It helps a little. Sending lots of hugs. :people_hugging:

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I went to see mum today and broke down with my hands on Dads Urn . How can he be in it , his whole being ??
His face , his heart ? And then I look at his picture on the side , the handsome , loving , warm Dad, and there he is , in a black and gold Urn , sat on a shelf , ashes just abundant .
It’s my Dad , he had a life , he had a soul , he had so much love , why is it like this ?
It feels so cruel .
Mum was talking about sorting out Dads clothes ! … No way !
Getting rid of his things is getting rid of him , his existence , and I’ll never be happy for him to disappear .
I feel like I’m going crazy with all of these irrational thoughts . I can’t talk to anyone so I’m finding this platform really helpful . I’m actually very normal ! I’m a specialist nurse and fitness instructor

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You are normal. On this platform, we know that.
Everything you’re going through is a normal reaction and also, the way your mum is reacting is normal for her.
You’ve both had such a huge loss.
I really struggled talking to my mum after my partner passed away, it took weeks before I could talk properly to her. She and my partner were such good friends, she was like his ‘other mum’
Could you ask your mum to wait a couple of weeks? Maybe write her a letter? Or ask if you can keep some of your dad’s things?

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Mum feels alone and isolated , her and dad were together for 57 years , they were inseparable, joined at the hip , went everywhere and did everything together.

The house is so empty and she feels so alone. Looking through his things I guess is just passing the time .

I’m trying to spend as much time as I can with her , but I work full time and have a partner and 2 dogs that also need my attention , so I’m trying to juggle my life to keep every one happy , meanwhile I’m a wreck !

I have a brother and a sister in law who seems very on board with supporting mum , but as expected they’ve gone off the boil . I made a promise to Dad that I would always look after Mum and I will until the days she dies x

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Please remember though, in order to look after your mum, you need to look after yourself :purple_heart:

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In the very early days of my grief over losing my mum I found that memories were something that made me angry. People who says hold onto them is all I have and I’d tell them until you lose your mum you don’t have the first clue how I’m feeling and how that makes me angry. It felt so raw for me. Even my partner who lost her mum 5 months after my mum kept coming out with stupid remarks. All I wanted was to be comforted by her she still doesn’t do it today. That angers me. She should understand after losing her mum. She kept saying her grief isn’t the same aa my grief apparently I wasn’t that close to my mum so my partner says. She doesn’t understand that she was still my mum. only she was close to her mum. That’s true.
Surely grief is the same when anyone loses their mum unless there are certain circumstances? Maybe someone can enlighten me?
The thing with memories of your mum catch up eventually
I’d love an answer to what I’ve asked

No ones grief is the same as anyone elses, its personal to you and you alone. No one can tell how close you were to your mum or what feeling are going round in your head. Anger is an emotion found often when people are grieving.
You say you weren’t that close to your mum? Could your anger be because of that? You say your partner was close to her mum, is that causing resentment? Do you feel anger because you missed out on things with your mum? Do the memories bring back the feelings of not being close?
I lost my mum and I was very close to her, so were my brothers, but their grief was not the same as mine.
Try not to be too hard on yourself or your partner, try to understand why you feel anger when you think of those memories. The answer might help unlock some grief. Hope that helps a little.

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The answer to your question is grief is personal and individual to everyone. It’s not comparable, it’s based on the love and relationship you had with that person. Only you and you alone can feel your own feelings, nobody can feel them for you, this is why grief is such a lonely journey

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Hi paulk
Yeah I spent way too long with my partner when we first met so going to spend time with my mum got less and less. I feel as though I should have spent time with my mum. All the time my mum was drinking heavily. My dad was the one who was there for her. I suppose I didn’t want to deal with it. I have kept telling myself if I had supported my dad we could have helped my mum come of the alcohol even though she did it by herself eventually. The damage was done. My mum was getting worse in her health. I really do blame myself that I wasn’t there for her. That makes me a terrible son I feel tremendous guilt. She could still be here. Instead I put my partner first. Love was certainly blind.
It’s true my partner did say to me I wasn’t that close to my mum. I disagree she was my mum. I lost her through very tragic circumstances and to this day my annoyance with my partner saying her grief is different to mine is unacceptable

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Well I don’t think my partner understands how I feel that I’m suffering more than her in her grief for her mum.