I lost my husband 3 months ago very suddenly in a train accident. We have 3 young kids and his family is amazing, and it makes me feel terrible on them that I feel this way but I don’t want to be here without him. He was, and still is, my entire world and everything more. I can’t get out of bed on a morning and when I do I’m putting on (or trying to) a front for the kids til they go to school then I occasionally manage to put myself on autopilot and do some bits in the house but most of the time it’s like I’m sitting in the bottom of a black hole. Occasionally I feel almost excited like he’s going to walk back through the door but I know he’s not. Everyday gets harder and I know I can never let him go or accept this reality I’m living in.
I wouldn’t do anything to myself because of the kids or what it would do to my in-laws but it doesn’t take away the constant feeling of wishing I wasn’t here. Im 32 and the idea that i have years left kills me. i feel constant guilt for feeling like this but when he died i feel like i died.
@NG91 I’m so sorry for your loss. I can understand what you are going through. I lost my husband of 40 years unexpectedly 11 weeks on Thursday. He was only in hospital for 4 days. He was the love of my life, my soulmate, my whole world. Like you I feel my life as I knew it stopped the day I lost him. The pain is still very raw for me. I cry every morning since I lost him and find evenings and weekends unbearable as I keep expecting him to walk through the door. I have no children or family near me. I look after my 91 year old mother who has had a stroke as well as mild dementia as well as working full time. I don’t have any solutions to offer you but my support and understanding of what you are going through. I also don’t want to be here. I can only take one day at a time. I can’t think of the future as it’s too painful. It sounds like you have good in-laws. Please lean on them and take all the help they offer. Your children need you. Remember to be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grief. Grief experience is individual to each person. Do whatever feels right for you to bring you comfort
Post on this forum as much and as often as you wish. Someone will reply to you to offer support. Everyone here is going through this awful journey we find ourselves in at varying stages so we understand what you are going through.
Take care of yourself. Sending you love and hugs. x
Yeh thar is so true … feel like youre sotting at the bottom of a black hole - and you feel like you cant get out dont you 
its such a tough thng for us to go through. I havent got an answer only to try and survive this ! I was talking to my mum about the frustration i feel and i have decided that im gonna get in my car - drive up to the countryside bit near where i live and just scream in the car !!! I hope lucy my dog doesnt mind ? !! Maybe i sjould leave her in her cage at home as dont want to traumatise her ! Lol X
Yes, feel like sitting at the bottom of a black hole and can’t get out - so true!
Sending big hugs & strength to everyone x
Im sorry for your loss and i am also struggling with the loss of my partner who has recently passed aged 54.
I try yo keep a busy as i can all day.
There are alot of times through the day i just want to burst out crying but i stop myself untill im alone at night and let it all go.
Your right that your kids need you.
But so does everyone else around you.
You do and say things that help people every day without nowing you helped someone.
I wished i had the answers for all of us but i dont.
I think all we can do is take one day at a time .
And hope the pain will ease.
I feel lost and haven’t been able to talk to anyone about it.
And i found this website last night.
Writing and talking to people on here helps me feel im not alone and hopefully we all can help each other get through the hardest time in our life.
I hope we all can help each other.
@NG91 hi i’m so so sorry for your loss… i lost my husband 3 months ago also after a very short battle with stage 4 cancer, totally out the blue, 6 weeks from being told he passed 
we were together 20 years and he just turned 40 10 days before finding out he had the cancer, on our youngests 9th birthday… we have 3 children also, i turned 35 in november and like you am just stuck in the bottom of that black hole! it’s awful and i don’t want to wake up in the mornings but have to and have to try and keeping going for our children.
always here if you need a chat. sending love x
@ debs that sounds a very good idea . I think that might help as it’s hard to bear this extreme loss
God isnt it just !! Coming up to my year soon and im re- living those last weeks of losing him… wish i could turn the clocks back and keep him with me forever but i cant can i ? God its so hard all this isnt it ? Only people on here really understand how truly awful it is to lose your whole world, your purpose for being on this earth … Xxx
@Deb5 its just over 6 months for me . Just getting the snow off my car had me in bits . He was such a strong character and he adored me . I am truly lost without him .
It’s terrible for us both isn’t it
It is very hard without them isnt it ? They were our right arm doesnt take much to tip us over the edge does it i gotta get some xmas stuff out of the loft tomorrow … oh boy he always did that job so im sure i will be in tears. I sometimes think - when am i gonna feel stronger - cos right now feel very vulnerable and very weak … i hate feeling like this but we have lost a lot havent we ? People dont realise …or if they do they chose to ignore it ! xxx
@ I am so sorry for you too . I am only having a little display on fireplace . He used to trim up all the house and both gardens . Even my neighbour commented about our missing light show . I hope it will get easier for us all xxx love Julia
My partner also did all of the Christmas decorations.
She would have it all done ehen i come from work.
I was torn about putting up my decorations.
It just doesn’t feel right doing it without her or even going to my works Christmas party i felt guilty.
But i need to bring some joy into my dauters and grandsons life.
They deserve to have good memories of their childhood.
And need some normality in there life.
They to are are suffering and need my guidance .
Yeh im just putting tree up thats all - maybe a wreath on door as i saw a nice one at flower shop xx
Hello everybody .I have just been reading all your messages and everything I feel is there said by those that understand.I lost my hubby 12 years ago now got through it with the help of our son our only child
He too passed last year.The emptyiness and loss I feel each day is beyond words.I carry on I go out try my best but at the end of the day the 2 people that I loved most and loved me most are no longer here.My love hugs to you all xxx
@Marg1 i can’t imagine the heartache you are going through. My heart goes out to you . I hope you have some support to get you through . My sympathies love
Hi Jol many thanks for your reply.I do have wonderful siblings who have children and grandchildren they love me to bits and I appreciate it.I try not to bring them down but I know they understand how I feel.Love to you xx