I really don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t recognise the person I’ve become since losing my hubby 5 months ago to two rare brain Tumors, . from his diognoises in December to then being told There would be no treatment and he would die in a few months from the two brain Tumors…such a devasting rapid decline from December to his final breath 3rd February 2021 at home with me and our children by his side.
I still haven’t come to terms with how fast we lost him…still trying to figure everything out in my head, everything that happened …the battle to get services on board…some of the cocks up they made…the last days and hours and final moments keep replaying in my head…flashbacks have started.
I feel like everyday is getting harder, the immense sadness of losing my soulmate , the way me and my young adult childrens whole lifes have changed and everything feels like its a huge battle.
The anxiety, the sheer panic he isn’t here, I cant hug him , The Only person I always felt secure and safe with…who I could talk to about anything as gone forever.
Feeling scared about my own health and everything about life just feels so shit.
Keith was so brave…I wished I could be as brave as he was.
2nd bevareavement counselling online session at 9am today…I’m even panicking about that. Who is this person I have become 
Your description is one that I think most of us can identify with. I came to the very swift conclusion that ‘home’ was in my husband’s arms and that I just feel completely lost and vulnerable without him here. I have two young adult children, which is why I have to keep on going but my life as I knew it and loved it has gone. We didn’t even get to say goodbye- he went out, collapsed and died on an ordinary evening. Still can’t get my head round that. Take one day at a time, even one breath at a time when needed. Sending hugs
Dear angiecb
I no longer recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror, I was once a strong and secure person but that person disappeared in an instant the day my husband died. I worry about the slightest thing now. The reassurance that my husband gave is no longer there. How I long to just be held in his arms and made to feel safe again. No one can replace him and I accept that I am on this long journey alone now until we are reunited. I just hope that when that day comes he recognises me again.
I am so sorry that you had to endure additional challenges. Services are meant to help when most needed. My husband died as a result of a bike accident and I know that the emergency services pulled out all the stops to try and save him including calling the air ambulance. But despite this his injuries were so critical he just did not survive. Like yourself I still have flashbacks (although they have lessened over the months)of the police answering his mobile, rushing me to the hospital in the back of a patrol car and the wait in the room at the hospital. I often lie awake in bed wondering about his last moments and it is so heartbreaking. Some days it just feels so surreal and I think I will wake up from this nightmare and he will be by my side.
I am still on the waiting list for counselling. Let me know if you think it is helping.
Hi Shiela26
I lost my wife four weeks ago.
I don’t know where I am in the process of grief and its levels…
Early doors I know that is definitely the case, and I’m finding that really hard to accept/believe/know is still coming.
I believe the best people to talk to are the ones going through the same as you are,
So while your waiting for counselling, stay on this site…relate, feel…good and bad !
It has and really is helping me, I’ve said in many previous posts there is a faceless therapy talking to people on here, like nowhere else in the real world,
But stay here with us, with us all, with one common unity, that others just don’t get.
Foggy
I have just had a memory pop up on Facebook from this time last year. It is a video clip of my husband playing with our little grandson. The love in that man’s eyes and voice for our little grandson and the giggles and laughter back from him. Heartbreaking just heartbreaking. I can’t spend years alone like this without my husband.
I’ve got videos on my phone of my wife and I with grandkids and … … Ohhh…they cut deep.
I’ve also gone through old txt mags to eat h other… .why I punish myself I dont know…but…hey,
Maybe too raw at the mo… but one day I’m sure they will bring joy🤞
Foggy
I have one of his last text messages where he tells me he loves me. And now Landscape Artist of the Year is being repeated on the TV. Location is Gateshead/Newcastle and I can remember me and husband clearly sitting watching this programme together and commenting. Today is just kicking the crap out of me.
Hey Sheila26,
I know what you mean as in kicking the sh!t out of you…ha ha… oh oh the pain…
Tomorrow is a new day…
Ready for another beating…yep if I must…!
Stay on here, and also stay strong as can be…
Foggy
I truly deeply understand this. I lost my partner of 12 years last year and I remember a few months after he passed looking at myself in the mirror crying and I said out loud I do not know this person looking back. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I still 13 months later have no clue who I am. All I know is the person I was before KASE passed away is not the person I am now. I am completely different. Even when you take a picture now and compare it to a pic from before. You can tell in your face, you have been through some s*** for a lack of better words. It’s very normal I think to change after such a traumatic loss and become someone different. At 13 months I’m still navigating through this new person. Everything changes when you lose your human. Thinking of you. 