I dont want to play house.

Its now just over 3 years since losing my beloved David and the grief today is overwhelming.
So many doubts and regrets, so many could’ofs ,should’ofs,would ofs,I nursed him for over 6 years.
Looking back through all those years i find myself saying i could have been a better husband as i wasn’t always the perfect guy and so the guilt keeps on coming.
I rarely go far now as i seem to only feel safe at home, and when i do go out with friends, my heart isn’t in it,i enjoy nothing.
Today out shopping i decided to have lunch out in a local restaurant, but all this eating alone is so solitary and upsetting.
I tried joining a few social groups ,but then again i get no enjoyment from it.
Arriving home to an empty house is gut wrenching, although i do have 2 small dogs and its only because of them that i keep on going,they have been my salvation, because in all honesty i dont want to be here.
I find myself going to bed ridiculously early, because i see no point in sitting in an empty room.
Without meaning to sound bragging(because thats the last thing i am),i do live in a beautiful home,and yet all the things around me mean absolutely nothing now.
I used to be so houseproud ,but now not nearly as much, things i enjoyed is now a chore .
I feel i am giving up on life, and i have tried to get out to face the world, but i just feel hopeless and useless.


@Rhody - I am so sorry David died - this is so,so,so hard for you. You and David were together so long and you were his nurse, companion and champion for over six years. That is love, that is real, deep, total love, my friend. I know what you mean about “could of” or "should of ". What I read in your post is how much you loved, how much you cared, how much you gave, how much you served and again, and again and again, how much you loved. My friend, I have a feeling that David would thank you, love you and love you in return. If you see this post, maybe try this tomorrow ( I am in a similar situation and do this, and it helps). Ok, so walk around the house, and talk to David. Do that bit of dusting and straightening and fixing and share with him what you are doing. Open the windows and breathe in the morning air. Watch Mrs Doubtfire and do the vacuuming. Connect with David through the ordinary things and talk to him. Survey of one, I know. but it has helped me. For the record, you are not useless. You are not hopeless. You looked after David for over six years with love. You are here with your friends on this site. You, like me, are coming back to life after years of illness, suffering, caring, death. It isn’t easy, coming back to life in this way. But, my friend, maybe it could be easier to know that you are doing it with friends here and that you are doing it because David wants you to and because it is ok to breathe, to live again, to turn your face to the sun. We have got you, my friend, keep posting, your friends are with you x


Vancouver,thank you so much fr your heartfelt reply, you have lifted me more than you know.x


@Rhody - sending love to you this Sunday. I hope today is a good day for you and for me.

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@Vancouver what a fantastic supportive post, i might take your advice too.
@Rhody i feel your heartache, but we are all here for you. I can feel the love for your david thru your post.
Love to you both x


I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, with a lot of things you said but especially you’re with friend here. It makes such a difference talking to people who understand and know what it’s like. I feel I have received more kind words in the last 12 days I have been on this site than the last 6 months since Mark died. Friends said such things as:
“You’ve got a new life, get on with it!” (Bet they won’t be singing from that hymn sheet when it happens to them!
“I’ll be there for you, until the funeral!” Now wouldn’t that be nice if the pain went away after the funeral!
“You’re still young, you’ll meet someone else, it’s what he would have wanted!” (That was first said 6 weeks after he died!)
Another person likened it to having their cat put to sleep. (I am very much an animal lover but as you all know it’s not on the same scale)
I can’t speak for everyone but knowing there are people here who I can talk to, who understand & care has helped me threw this latest black patch because as you all know, life is now full of up and downs. Big hug xxx