Reading the conversations here,I feel that I’m taking up space from those who need it more.My husband passed away 5 yrs ago next month.I sometimes feel worse now than when he first went.For a while I just felt a relief for both of us.He’d battled with his health probs for so long.Was so strong and refused to give in.Indeed went back to work for 16yrs after the by-pass.The stroke was really the end.He recovered physically but not mentally.Got more and more confused.For the last 18 months he was really just in the house.I felt that we’d been robbed of some good times as the Government changed the rules and I had to work untill I was 62yrs and 7months.The two years before he got really bad.It was hard with him in and out of hospital.I didn’t cry when he passed,or at the funeral or much after that.But now I find I get so sad ,suddenly and without warning.
I’m sorry that it is so hard @Jospage - I have found there is space here for everyone, because even though our experiences of grief are different, and we are all going through it in our ways, nothing takes away from the pain we feel when we are grieving for those we have lost. Please don’t feel like a fraud - no-one can know your personal pain, but I have found so many kind people on here who understand being in pain and suffering with loss.
Take care, and I hope you also find support here x
Thankyou so much
Dear Jospage, Read your post - I am sorry for your loss, but do not feel you are taking space away from any of us – we are all here for each other so please write back again soon and let us know what you are feeling - that’s how I got on this site - I was trying to reach out for a sympathetic ear - needed an outlet as I was not sleeping or eating when I lost my wife. I might still feel that way today, but when someone writes back offering sympathy and understanding - it helps a lot. So join us!
Herb (AKA greencat1950)
Hi jospage
Your never in a million years a fraud I feel for you ,I to thought that after a while I things would be better but over three years down the the line I seem to be back to square one so I totally understand where your coming from I wish I had a answer for it all it’s so cruel what we all have to go through
Take care
Jon
Agree totally.It’s just so surprising because in many ways I actually feel more sadness now than when he passed nearly 5yrs ago.I think I was just relieved the fight and hard living with it all was over.That that was all I could feel.Coupled with a guilt that I felt that way.I think nowadays I almost ALLOW myself to be sad.I seem to cry so easily over the silliest of things.Other people’s sadnesses,tv shows or films,memories brought about by songs etc.But still I didn’t cry for my soulmate’s passing.Whatever is wrong with me? The old adadge of ‘everyone grieves differently’ doesn’t really help…
Not a fraud at all…
I think from my past experience with loss is ;
You’ve possibly got the initial shock of it being a sudden death or sometimes even relief that the person’s suffering is over…
Then you’ve got the funeral to arrange and all the paperwork.
Then trying to stay strong for the family.
Possibly having to go back to work.
Then all the ‘1st’s’…
By now the shock is wearing off and we have a new life - Not the one we chose.
Life goes on - Everyone assumes we’re over it! Telling us how strong we are!
We’re also getting a bit older, maybe the family are leaving home or less dependant on us.
The brick wall we built to protect us and everyone around us is now coming down - This can take years for some people - Or may stay up forever…
Please be kind to yourself.
This might just be your time to grieve - 5 days or 5 years later. We can’t predict when or how long it takes. We are all different…
I have rambled on - Hope even one part of it helps. Xx
Yes I think maybe a kind of numbness comes on you.As if,although your head says that the loved one really is gone.There’s a part that doesn’t really,actually ,believe it.Especially since Richard had been in and out of hospital so many times.In fact was actually in from New Years Eve 2014 untill Feb 2015.Before going back in again March 2015 untill he passed away in the April,the 5th.So I think for a while it almost felt as if he was still in the hospital.I can almost remember thinking about 18months later that it really WAS true ,he was actually gone.I wasn’t going to see him again in this life.That this was IT this was my life now.He was 69.I was 64 when he passed.I told him as he lay in that bed that it was ok to go.That the kids were all grown,even the grandkids were all virtually grown.That his work was done.That I’d be ok.I did believe that.But as I also told him in the Chapel of Rest the day before the funeral.‘What ever are we going to do without each other ?’…I miss his presence in the room.I am sure,although heaven is different to here,that he in a way ,misses me too.It would have been his 70th Birthday that September.Our 30th wedding anniversary in that July ( naughty us,we lived together for nearly 7 yrs before that !) So after all those years it’s natural to miss each other.It’s not that I’m particulary lonely.In non-covid times I live quite a full life.It’s nothing less than he’d expect.But everything since he passed seems to have this bit of sadness about it.Days out,being with family ( when allowed !) Singing in my Rock Choir,my work in my local church.All are tinged with this sadness.Not entirely sure what about but it’s just there.I don’t go around ‘being sad’ as I certainly don’t want to be that person people avoid because they make them feel miserable.I’m probably described as being a jolly,funny sort of person for my sins.But sometimes,even when really laughing about something I find myself almost thinking. ‘What am I laughing about?’ As if I suddenly can’t remember.Does that make sense ??? Wow ! I’m certainly rambling away here.But you know I think that’s what I need .Because I don’t want to bore the arse off of my friends and make them uncomfortable with my ramblings,and weird thoughts.Hope I’m not boring anyone here.But at least I can’t actually see your eyes as they slowly glaze over !! 
@Jospage I think all of us hope to find some help here, or at least the knowledge that our feelings are not madness. Some people on here seem to gel with others and get a sort on online chat relationship going, some post and never get a reply specific to their post, or even sometimes never get a reply at all. I am not sure where I am going with this, apart from perhaps to say the answers aren’t here as far as I can see, but reading other people’s posts and knowing you are not the only one having certain feelings helps. In my own experience bereavement feelings can rise up at any time over the years. Things just trigger the tears, sadness and other feelings, and that can happen at any time, even 10, 20, 30 or 40 etc years later. Recent bereavements can bring back memories etc from past bereavements. Most people get to a state they can function most of the time in public, but it can be a different situation in private, and at the end of the day we have a deep sadness as we cannot spend time and enjoy life with that person that is no longer with us, whether that be a child, parent or partner/spouse etc. Best wishes.
Sorry to hear about your loss @Jospage. It is testament to the great love you shared that you feel this way now. You miss that connection in your life and hasn’t lockdown stirred up feelings of loss and grief for all of us? I know I have personally found that I have been grieving all sorts of things. I find with my grief that I can suddenly feel low and negative and not really know why, but if I think about my mum or dad, the tears are very close to the surface. Your feelings are real - you are not a fraud. I think we have all had this messaging in the past to be “positive” and not “bring others down” which is not healthy. We end up having shallow friendships only based on fun and the good times. Perhaps because we have generally speaking had it too good in our lives with little trouble in our lifetimes (until Covid). I’ve found through my grief that I really struggle with accepting my bad days and feeling sad or angry or down. Made worse with being cooped up in a house with my family where there are few spaces to be on my own. In many ways I know I am very very lucky so i don’t like to moan or feel sorry for myself. But you can’t run from grief forever. It catches up with you if you don’t find time to sit with it, and accept it. I hope you can be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. You are the only person who can know what that is like and it is real. It will pass and you will come out of the other side.
Thankyou.I did wonder myself if the recent restrictions and worries have perhaps given us time to think and reflect.That perhaps it has given us ‘time’ to grieve as we should have done in the first place.Especially if a person lives on their own as I do now.I do have my husbands little dog that I bought for what turned out to be his last birthday.Plus two cats.But conversation is a little onesided and although they are another living creature in my home.It’s really not the same as having someone to discuss a TV programme or just a cup of tea with.I miss looking across the room and seeing him just there.Not even necessarily talking,just his presence.
I think it’s these little interactions I miss the most. Can you call people for a chat on the phone? I’m sure there must be others in a similar position to you, or who would welcome you giving them a call.