I feel lost

Hi everyone. I am so very sorry for the loss of your loved one. Martin died nearly 14 months after a,short battle with cancer which was only diagnosed 7 weeks before he died. As time goes on, I actually feel worse. I can relate to all of you when you say tge first year is taken up with paperwork, pensions etc. After that comes the reality that you will never see your loved one again. Everyone outside this “club” talk about how wonderful it will be to cone out of lockdown but the reality for us is life will never ever be the same again. The prospect of never seeing my Martin is heart wrenching. I feel numb, sad, frightened and the future seems so breaking pointless. I’ve got grown up kids like a lot of people on this site but, as you say although they are grieving, they have their lives to lead and that’s how it should be. Thank god for our dog because I can imagine me spending most days in bed. Time weighs to heavy without him. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Sorry if I rambled and love and virtual hugs to you all.


Lighthouse, I am sorry for your loss and as you say we are all members of a club we wish we didn’t belong too.
It is so utterly heartbreaking and from everyone’s stories, I don’t think any of us can see a future without our loved ones.
My husband passed away last February and in some way I feel worse now, maybe because reality has set in and I know I get be with him and he isn’t coming home.
I have his ashes in a casket and for a time they were on his place on the bed but now I have them at the window overlooking the garden. They will wait to be interred when I pass and we will still be together.
Life will never be normal again and I don’t think the pain will ever go away.
We met at 18 and were married for 36 years, very happily married always and I feel robbed of our hopes and dreams that we had spoken of for our retirement. Not only that he deserved to enjoy that new chapter after working hard for all these years.
Thankfully you do have your dog who needs to be walked, fed and loved.
Today I have not left the house at all. I used to live reading but I have no concentration.
I had to change energy suppliers last week and it is all just so stressful, anyway I done it and that’s another task done.
Take care and it is good to talk, even in this form.


Dear Hulia19

I am so sorry for your loss.

Your words echo exactly the way I feel. We met when I was 18 and my husband 17, married four years later and today would have been our 39th wedding anniversary. Could not get out of bed until after 2pm then just sat and cried as I looked at our wedding photo. We had worked so hard and were making our retirement plans during first lockdown. I have still retired but now have nothing and never will without my wonderful husband. We do have kids and a little grandson, they will always bring me pleasure. But I am heartbroken that my husband is not here to share and continue to make wonderful memories with our family.

Take care.

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Sorry for what you are all suffering and that we are in the same boat that appears to be some kind of colander instead of the sturdy vessel we thought we were in.

Some days the pictures are just slowly turning in my mind. A kaleidoscope of happiness and torment, love and anger. Whatever happens now it was worth it to know him for the time we had but that is little comfort now.

I understand the lost feeling. No hero to save us and I can’t seem to save myself. Others who may have helped recoil from us too as our experiences reveal the chaos of real life underneath what they think is solid and they rather not see that, why would they. I wouldn’t either if I had my lovely veneer of life back. God it was good.

I spent 12 hrs or so sitting under a blanket in the gazebo he made me today whilst the wind howled and for once I didnt. I like the storms and lockdown too. They all have so much to say when they know nothing and they think they’d handle it better than me, I’d really like to see them try. I’d like to be a good griever wishing peace on my fellow man but I’m bitter. I try but he was all I wanted and he’s gone forever for no reason. I’m just a speck on a rock floating in space and the universe doesn’t care but I do.

We are the descendants of thousands and thousands of people who have been through this. If they hadn’t we wouldn’t be here. i don’t know if it helps or not to think of all those people going through what they did to result in us going through this.

I’m feeling more peaceful now than I did when I woke. Hope you all can get some sleep and some peace from this.


Hi Lighthouse. It is 2 yrs 6 months since my Ron died and I have recently been posting to say it does get easier but today I cried properly for the first time in about a year. It comes in waves that’s for sure. I just feel today that I can’t cope again. The weather is bleak and the town is empty and it all hit me again. I miss my husband so much but thought I was doing so well recently. You are a way behind me so I am sure in the days to come you will get happier days but I don’t think this awful empty void in my life will ever go. I went shopping today at the supermarket I visited every Sat when Ron was still here. I used to phone him as soon as I had finished shopping and we would have a drink in our local. I think I was re living all that. I think the bad times will keep re surfing but I can accept that. I send you love and hugs.


Yes, I know the triggers are songs we listened to, places we enjoyed visiting. It is a real ache that never goes away. I feel totally exhausted with grief. I find comfort knowing I am not alone going through this dramatic part of life, that we never ever think will affect us like it does. We mourn in different ways, but the utter feeling of loss and a void that can’t be filled is something we all relate to. God Bless anyone who is having a really bad time, like I am at this moment.


It will be three years for me on St Patrick’s Day. We had 46 years together. Yes, it does get easier in the sense of getting more used to living my life alone - and thank heavens for my dog and my cat - but the loneliness itself doesn’t fade. Feeling lost without the one I built my life with and loved so very much. I look back at the first year and it’s a blur of pain I couldn’t ever have imagined so I’m grateful to have moved beyond that. But it’s hard work, emotionally and sometimes practically, to keep on keeping on, even though I have adult children and grandchildren, parents and good friends nearby. Nothing fills the void.