Hi I am reading through these threads and my heart is breaking for everyone of you. I wish you all the hugs in the world and hope that you find the strength and answers you are looking for. I have a concern and I can’t really find a thread that fits. Wee bit of a back story to bring you up to speed, I lost my dad on 15th January to cancer. We had 23 days notice (I found out on Boxing Day). I feel nothing… please don’t judge, I’ve tried to get answers on why this is, I don’t know if I’m normal. I loved my dad to the moon and back and I nursed him through this daily. My Mum has her own issues so when my dad died I had to take care of her constantly, still do but she’s much better and we have her in a good place, however I don’t feel sadness, anger, loss I just feel nothing. People keep telling me it will come, like it’s an inevitable, but I don’t see it. Is there anyone else who has experience in this as I feel so alone. When my husband lost his dad he went off the rails for over a year so what’s wrong with me !
Speckles, I’m sorry you lost your Dad. I’m not a professional, so I only guess or put forward my own thoughts regarding why you are feeling nothing.
Perhaps, you are a very resilient person, who feels that you need to stay strong to look after your Mum? You can still grieve without crying. Just missing them is grieving.
I found when my Dad died 20 years ago, I hardly cried ever though I wanted to. I had to hold it together and look after my Mum. I needed to keep her emotionally well.
There is no one way to grieve. You could just be numb from it all. If you are concerned you could always ask your GP.
Hi daffy123, sounds like you had a similar situation to me. It’s hard I’m not sure if I’m worried because of what other people think rather than what I feel. I do feel guilty about not grieving and not feeling emotional when my mum gets upset. I see photos of him and am able to relive his last 23 days regularly as my mum didn’t remember and I had to go through it all daily but she is healthier now so remembers most things now. She has an alcohol dependency and this is what’s kept me busy especially with Covid. I had to shield And work from home, so I could go to her every day And that was hard I still go everyday as I need to give her tablets and also make sure she eats and monitor her alchohol. She is in a really good place now but the only emotion I felt for a short time was anger but that went quickly as I was so busy. I don’t feel I can talk to my family as I think they just assume it’s all done and I’m good as I don’t give them any other impression. I tried to talk to my husband At one point but he always brought it back to his dad and I ended up wanting to scream this is about me not you, but I know he meant well. Thankyou for responding though I really appreciate it. Did it hit you at any point or did it just continue like that?
Hi, I wrote this message to someone before who said she loves her mum but doesn’t really feel much emotions a lot of the time, “what you are experiencing is quite common, and you don’t need to feel guilty about it at all, because it doesn’t mean you do not love and miss your mum - you obviously do, otherwise you wouldn’t be here posting about it and feeling so upset. You might want to read this article, and the comments from others that are in this article, as it deals with emotional numbness.”
Speckles, I grieved by missing him deeply, even though I didn’t cry. I felt often frozen inside in the first year. With my Mum I’ve balled my eyes out daily!
I know some people can grieve suddenly years down the line when they were fine for years.
It sounds like you are holding it together for your Mum.
Hi Speckles-I am sorry for your loss. There is no “right” way to grieve. We all react to loss in our own way . Some people are able to express their pain demonstratively. Others are what is defined as “quiet grievers.” Often the pain is so intense, that to fully experience it, would leave us emotionally depleted. This is referred to as “frozen grief.” There are a myriad of reasons why you might be feeling “nothing.” In the early days of grief, denial can serve as a coping mechanism. For months after my beloved Sister died suddenly, I convinced myself, she was “just away” and would be returning soon. To think anything else, would have destroyed me. I was not prepared to accept that I would not see her again. Later, when the harsh reality hit, the flood gates opened and I began to fully grieve. You mention you looked after your Mum after your Dad passed on. Grief can be interrupted or delayed when we must summon our strength to attend to others, and take on additional tasks. Grief is complicated, as are we as human beings, thus there are so many personal factors that influence how we react. I recall one of my clients telling me she left her therapist (walked out on the session) when the therapist dismissed her grief by saying “You must be better, because you are not crying” Inside she was dying, but the clueless “professional” judged her by her superficial demeanor. She could not cry, for fear if she started she would never stop. Did that mean she loved her husband any less? Of course not.
Your feelings or what you see as lack of, bear no measure on the degree of love you had for your Dad. Try not to judge yourself, there is nothing wrong with you because you are not grieving in the same manner as your husband . We cannot compare something as personal and individual as grief.
Take care, and be patient & gentle with your self.
Hi. Speckles. Welcome. There’s nothing wrong with you. Please try and stop knocking yourself up over this. We all take grief in our own individual way. Some grieve for years after, others seem to recover quicker, if ‘recover’ is ever the right word! You say your heart is breaking for everyone on here. So you do have feelings and respond to other’s pain! The mind has built in mechanisms to prevent the mental pain from making us ill. Children repress unwanted feelings but they can return in later life. Adults who suffer PTSD do also repress emotions. It’s too hard to bear, to take in, and it’s as if the mind shuts down on that pain. There will never ever be any judgement here. We don’t believe in judgement.
What people tell you is true. Grief will out in some way, and emotions may well come. You sound a kind and caring person and that’s important. It’s early days yet, yes eight months is not long in grief.
Take care and be kind to yourself. Blessings. John.