i feel so guilty to be alive when my partner is dead.

My Dionne died on the 13th of December 2016 of sepsis. my grief is compounded by the fact that if it were not for clinical negligence she would not have died.
we were together for fifteen years, we had no secrets we shared our most inner thoughts. DD always trusted me to protect her. she was taken to A&E in an ambulance but her condition was left undiagnosed for over 12 hours she then suffered a major heart attack and was put into an induced coma. I stayed at her bedside for four days and nights I didn’t eat I didn’t wash I didn’t change my clothes I would fall off to sleep in the chair by her bedside. she died whilst I was holding her.
when DD was in A&E the last thing she said to me was help me. our close friends have told me that I should not feel guilty because i’m not a doctor but I do feel guilty because for fifteen years DD trusted me to always protect her and when she needed me the most I failed her. I failed to save her life. I would have sold my soul to the devil for her. every night I fall asleep I hope I will not wake up and have to face another day without my DD. I feel so very lonely despite support from our close friends. I just can’t accept that my DD is gone from my life I feel I have no future I hope tonight I die in my sleep so I can be with my DD.

Hi Christopher im very sorry for your loss .I truly understand your situation with regards to an induced coma (my wife was in 1 for 12 weeks ) My suggestion is to phone the Samaritains (i do frequently ) and at the first oppurtunity visit your gp and tell he or she how you feel .Ive been where your at now wanting to be with my Denise .But i know she wants me to live .She died last year 04032016 on her birthday she was 41 .Offload on here this special club has people that understand your nightmare Colin 57)

Hello,
Christopher I hope you find some solace/comfort from the forums.
I lost my wife Balbir from sepsis in November she had emergency life saving surgery but never woke up, they kept taking blood from her trying to find a effective treatment for sepsis, but ten days later she passed away . Her operation was OK and would have taken my beloved wife time to recover as the doctors advised us.

Unfortunately the one thing I never heard about or come across somehow affected my wife and took her away from me,three kids.
Our lives have been devastated and our house is empty, cold without her presence.
She was 49 years old, always smiling, happy and kind to others.
I know your pain Christopher.
Take care.

Ravinder

Thank you for taking the trouble to reply.
I have visited my gp several times because you only get ten minutes, given anti-depressants which take two weeks to have any effect; really not very helpful.
I know my DD would want be to be happy, at least we all tell ourselves that, but once their dead they no longer want anything. I just can’t be happy the future that we had planned is gone. i’m truly sorry for your loss Denise was so young.

Thank you for your reply Ravinder, so very sorry for your loss.
My DD was in hospital in November and while there caught the c dif virus, which is very common in hospitals, it turned into sepsis because she had a weakened immune system, that is how it normally happens. she was discharged as allegedly having been treated. five days later she is rushed back into hospital. the delay in treating her caused the sepsis to spread and attack her organs. the doctors did too little too late so I contacted the coroner and requested DD’s death be investigated.
Sepsis is treatable if diagnosed promptly. I’m not being emotional and looking for someone to blame the facts speak for themselves she was in A&E for over 12 hours without diagnosis or treatment. in that time sepsis which put simply is poisoning in the blood spread and started to attack the tissues of her liver and kidney stopping them from functioning. finally her lungs and heart. It is so very hard to move on when I have so much anger and bitterness. DD’s death has devastated my life. sorry to be such a misery.

Thanks for trying to explain what sepsis is, but in my wife’s case she did not contact c-diff, she fell in the bathroom at home rupturing her aortic root.
I wish I could change things and have her back, perhaps I will contact her surgeon and try to learn more about what occurred in the near future, now I’m greiving like only those of have done on these forums can’t eat, lost 20kg in weight , sleep nor function like before.
I’ve even had counselling and treatment at present with medication but I walk around at night crying, talking to my alone that hurts, heavy feeling on my heart like a weight.
Nobodys bothering or helping I’m alone and trying to cope is ?.
Wish I could end it all as I’ve thought about it recently hence im under the mental health people,dauly visits at home.
My life changed that day I don’t know or understand why it was so sudden, never had chance to come to terms with my loss other way it took place.
Ravinder.

Dear Ravinder, I truly know what you are feeling. I didn’t eat for weeks and also lost weight its because I feel guilty that DD can’t eat or drink or enjoy anything so I think why should I.
I also am alone and trying to cope.
I started drinking a lot and didn’t bother washing.
My doctor as nice and carrying as she is prescribed me medication, I put it in the bin the next day because I believe medication is a drug like alcohol in some respects worse because alcohol wears off but medication can have long lasting side effects.
My doctor wanted me to have some therapy it annoyed me because as I told her i’m not crazy i’m grieving.
Grief is not a mental disorder it is a normal reaction to loss, and it is relative the more you love someone the greater your sadness the greater you grief.
Feeling the way you do is a testament to the love you have for Balbir.
I have found watching stand-up comedians on You Tube takes my mind of depressing thoughts and listening to poetry at least for a little while.
I live on my own so feel very lonely especially at night like you so I put LBC radio on so it feels like I have company.
I could go on for hours just know your not alone we are not the first to feel are lives are devastated and we won’t be the last.
My friend you like me are grieving you have a right to grieve.
I have photos of my DD in the bedroom the hall and front room and every time I pass them I stop and say something to her, it has really helped me because I feel she lives on in my heart and I can still communicate with her; its not crazy its my way of coping because I realised that one of the worse feelings is that you can not speak to your love one ever again but you even if they can’t reply.

Christopher.

Yes Christopher I can relate your feelings regarding DD, I to talk to her picture in our bedroom and seek help,advice from her on a daily basis as i know her spirit is still with me.
In times of difficulty she has helped me and showed me the way to deal with situations that I’ve had to deal with regarding her circumstances currently.

As for the loneliness it’s heart wrenching not being able to hug, kiss her and talk to her etc.

Although we have three teenagers my relationship with them has drifted apart because as a father I cannot offer the love of a mother.
So my loneliness is even more harrowing it’s broken my familly,no one visits nor phones me.
Like a anathema or illness in a lepur colony where everyone tries to avoid me.
I haven’t watched TV or bought a newspaper since my wife’s passing the only thing I do have like you is listening to LBC even though i reside in the West Midlands.
Likewise I would come off the medication if the mental health people access me as not being suicidal.
It calms me down at times and I do not want to get hooked on them.
I wish you well and please take comfort that we share this misfortune with too many others.
Keep in touch mate believe me it does help at times.
Ravinder.

Ravinder I wondering if you are still awake, I missed your message because I was watching You Yube. its funny I haven’t turned TV on since DD died either. It just goes over in my mind all the things we will never do together again.
The day of DD’s funeral I said to a friend I wonder how long it will be before people stop calling around and stop even phoning sure enough it wasn’t very long.
So you listen to LBC as well what a coincidence.
I don’t think i’m going to sleep tonight.
Did Balbir work? how old are your children?

Christopher.

Hi Christopher,

I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your Dionne. It sounds as though it makes it even harder to know that it might have been prevented with the right treatment.

You didn’t fail her - you were there by her side the whole time, and sadly there was nothing more you could have done. However, guilt is a very common part of grief and I know there will be many others on this site who understand what it is like to feel that you should have done more. I’m glad to see you have had so many supportive replies, and I hope it helps a tiny bit to be able to talk to others here.

You say that you hope to die so that you can be with her. This is also a very common thought for someone who has lost a partner, but it is really important to get some support. Have you had suicidal thoughts?

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

As Colin has suggested, the Samaritans are there 24/7 on 116 123 for you to talk about anything that is bothering you - you do not have to be having suicidal thoughts to call them.

Bereavement counselling is not for everyone, but a lot of people on this site have found it helpful, and it does not mean that you are crazy. As you say, grief is normal and natural, but it is also extremely difficult, so there is nothing wrong with getting some support to help learn to manage it so it is a little less overwhelming.

I have found a couple of conversations on this site where people have shared their experiences of counselling - you may find it helpful to have a read of these:
https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/counselling
https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/grief-counselling

Another good place to get support is through Cruse Bereavement, who offer a telephone helpline, one-to-one support with trained bereavement volunteers, and local support groups.(0808 808 1677​, helpline@cruse.org.uk, http://www.cruse.org.uk)

Dear Priscilla, thank you for your response. It wasn’t that Dionne didn’t get the right treatment she was treated for sepsis in hospital and discharged as medically fit, four days later she has low pressure and severe pains in her stomach and sides and I called for an ambulance and initially was told it wasn’t an emergency to phone 111. As her condition deteriorated I called 111 again and was told to call 999. from my first call to the ambulance being despatched three hours had elapsed. Being admitted as an emergency she was left in a side room in A&E for 12 hours without any diagnoses being made; every hour sepsis remains untreated the mortality rate increases by 8% so after 15 hours there is little if any chance of surviving sepsis which is treatable.
Whilst I am not a doctor I do blame myself and always will because it is obvious now that when she was discharged and with no antibiotics she in fact was not completely clear of sepsis and the hospital should have suspected that when she was readmitted.
I held her hand when she was in the side room to comfort her and when the pain got worse My Dionne looked straight at me and said “help me” I ran into the corroder and found a doctor For the fifteen years we were together she always trusted that I would protect her but I failed her.
Friends say I should remember the happy times but the images of her asking me to help her, of her being in a coma, of her being in the mortuary and finally in the coffin haunt me. when I went to see DD in the mortuary her face was so very cold I held her face in my hands and tried desperately to give her my body warmth. when I kissed my DD her lips were cold; I left one of her favourite stuffed toys and told the mortician I didn’t want her to be alone.
I am not suicidal I just don’t care if I don’t wake up every time I manage to fall asleep; I have lost my fear of death.
I get annoyed when people say things like “at least she’s not suffering anymore” no she’s not suffering because she is dead if she was suffering AT LEAST she would still be alive.
The worse thing is when people have the temerity to impose their religious beliefs on you by saying things like “you must have faith in God” why must I is God going to bring her back to life.
DD was my life my future, she was my best friend my soul mate my partner my lover and now its all gone.
I don’t have any faith in counselling only those who have suffered a similar loss can truly understand how you feel; grief is not a mental disorder its a human emotion so it can’t be treated. but talking to others like Ravinder and Colin reminds you that your not alone, and so you should not allow yourself to become selfish to others sufferings which then distracts you if only briefly from your own.
I was hoping to fine a sort of group that meets once a week because even with support from friends your still alone in your grief because they haven’t suffered a similar loss.
I wonder if any of what I have said makes sense.
I always promised my DD that I would be faithful to her and I will honour her memory by keeping that promise; no one could ever take her place.

Christopher.

Your loss is still very recent and raw, so it is normal for the bad memories to feel overwhelming. People say that it takes time for the good memories to return.

Cruse do offer support groups, so it may be worth getting in touch with your nearest branch to see what they offer: http://www.cruse.org.uk/cruse-areas-and-branches There may be other support groups in your local area - you might be able to find them through your GP or hospital.

I’m glad that this site has helped you feel less alone - please do keep posting.

Dear Priscilla, thank you for your response. I think a support group may be a good idea.
I am sure you appreciate that because of the circumstances I don’t want much if any contact with doctors or hospitals.
I know their not all the same and I know I shouldn’t feel bitterness towards them all but I do. the bad memories are very overwhelming.
I often think to myself did I always show My DD as much love as I should have, did I always care for her as much as I should have?
I know I wasn’t perfect I regret every moment wasted on being annoyed over something petty instead of showing love.
If only I could go back and have those fifteen years again I would get it right I would be perfect.
My DD never once in fifteen years said a bad thing to me, even when we had an argument, she truly was unbelievably loving and kind totally selfless; I didn’t deserve her love.
DD died on the 13th of December and her funeral service was on the 10th of January. I went back to work on the 30th of January because I felt pressurised by the company as I had been taken a lot of time off to care for my DD.
The first day back I had an accident and then the following week I assaulted a supervisor.
So I was suspended but they can’t have a disciplinary hearing yet because my doctor signed me off.
I know the manager is looking to dismiss me.
I have thought of selling everything DD and I have and just taking to the road.
Its funny but DD had some ornaments and pictures and things that I didn’t like now I treasure them so much.
It wasn’t suppose to end like this I was supposed to go first; my DD would have coped far better than I am.

Christopher.

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