I feel so lost

Hello I’m Jenna. I lost my grandmother on 8th January to Alzheimer’s. My grandparents raised me from the age of 3 and were more like my mum and dad than my actual parents.

I lost my grandad in 2006 and that was a huge blow too but I was younger. I don’t know if that’s the reason but I just feel so lost now my grandmother had passed too. Like she had my inner compass and took it with her.

She was such a wonderful grandmother and even though the past 12-18 months she didn’t really remember me, I knew her. Before she had to go into a Care Home my aunt and I looked after her. My aunt more so since she lived with her and I was 30 miles away but I’d visit 1-2 a month and would be there at any time if my aunt needed me.

I don’t feel I helped or did enough. And I hadn’t gone to see my grandmother in her Care Home the last month & half of her life due to work and train strikes. I was going to visit her the week before she died but I got Covid and couldn’t go so I’d planned to go the weekend after when Covid would be gone.

But then it happened all so fast. She took a turn for the worst on 5th Jan, my aunt told me on 7th that she was bad now and I should come. I made plans to visit her the next day. But she passed away during the early hours.

As well as being my last grandparent, she was a mum to me and I feel like I’ve lost my mum. I’ve never been particularly close to my actual mum.

To think I won’t talk to her again. Hear her voice or see her laugh feels like something is squeezing my heart and I can’t breathe properly :frowning_face:

It’s been so hard the past couple of years watching her deteriorate and not being able to stop it. I had a sense of relief when she passed, that she’d be free again from its clutches. But it also made me feel awful to think that.

Funeral was on 1st, a burial. I do feel she’s at peace and finally free. But I also can’t get my head around her not breathing, not being here anymore. Not just a train ride away or her voice a call away. It hurts so much.

I’m having good and bad days. Good is good I can function, do what I have to do. Bad days I just don’t care about anything, I want to hide. Be invisible. Cry. Wish for her back.


1 Like

Hello @Jenzy,

I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother. It sounds as though you had such a special relationship. It’s understandable that you are feeling so lost right now without your inner compass there to guide you.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.

Take care - keep reaching out,