Hello I’m Jenna. I lost my grandmother on 8th January to Alzheimer’s. My grandparents raised me from the age of 3 and were more like my mum and dad than my actual parents.
I lost my grandad in 2006 and that was a huge blow too but I was younger. I don’t know if that’s the reason but I just feel so lost now my grandmother had passed too. Like she had my inner compass and took it with her.
She was such a wonderful grandmother and even though the past 12-18 months she didn’t really remember me, I knew her. Before she had to go into a Care Home my aunt and I looked after her. My aunt more so since she lived with her and I was 30 miles away but I’d visit 1-2 a month and would be there at any time if my aunt needed me.
I don’t feel I helped or did enough. And I hadn’t gone to see my grandmother in her Care Home the last month & half of her life due to work and train strikes. I was going to visit her the week before she died but I got Covid and couldn’t go so I’d planned to go the weekend after when Covid would be gone.
But then it happened all so fast. She took a turn for the worst on 5th Jan, my aunt told me on 7th that she was bad now and I should come. I made plans to visit her the next day. But she passed away during the early hours.
As well as being my last grandparent, she was a mum to me and I feel like I’ve lost my mum. I’ve never been particularly close to my actual mum.
To think I won’t talk to her again. Hear her voice or see her laugh feels like something is squeezing my heart and I can’t breathe properly
It’s been so hard the past couple of years watching her deteriorate and not being able to stop it. I had a sense of relief when she passed, that she’d be free again from its clutches. But it also made me feel awful to think that.
Funeral was on 1st, a burial. I do feel she’s at peace and finally free. But I also can’t get my head around her not breathing, not being here anymore. Not just a train ride away or her voice a call away. It hurts so much.
I’m having good and bad days. Good is good I can function, do what I have to do. Bad days I just don’t care about anything, I want to hide. Be invisible. Cry. Wish for her back.