Thank you Sandie5 for words that could have been meant for me too - except that some things weren’t out of my control. I was next to my wife’s bed but don’t know exactly when she passed away… I was most likely replying to a text, not holding her hand so feel like I let her down at the moment she needed me most. I know we were together 24/7 for more than 3 years after her cancer diagnosis, and almost every minute since she started to deteriorate in September, that I was so lucky to be able to care for her and that she appreciated it but it doesn’t help. Yes, I realise my raw grief is feeding my guilt ( and vice versa) but I know myself too well - much as I know I’ll try to rationalise and come to terms with what’s happened I also know that the guilt will eventually destroy me.
My heart goes out to all of you feeling this way.
I know exactly what you mean , i keep rehashing everything in my head and the guilt doesnt go away , As you say i know myself and i dont think it ever will.
Snap. Nice to see brutal honesty instead of polite, if even if well-intentioned, positivity.
I understand, I had left the hospital to home to prepare everything & get a full night’s sleep before he came home the next day for however long he had left but he passed away in the night & I wasn’t there, the only thing that has helped me is I wrote down everything when I had been there & the support I gave etc…which was many & on the other side wrote what I felt bad about, the good things far outnumbered the bad so I wrote underneath I’m Human & if I’d known he was going to pass away course I wouldn’t have gone home!! My brother was with my dad, he was replying to a text looked up & dad had gone, he felt bad but you can’t sit there staring at them, I’m sure people have missed the passing by falling asleep, who’s to know if the ill person knows if anyone is there or not, we just have to realise we are human & whatever happened we didn’t go it on purpose.
@berit my husband always said to me that when he dies he did not want me to see him die. He got what he wanted as by the time I got to the hospital he was gone. 
Ann
I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s too hard for people to understand unless they’ve been there. Good luck moving forward
Thank you. It helps a little.
Many people havevsaid to.me that some people wait till loved ones not there as they want to go alone i get it but not sure it helps my Al never actually said that. We didnt really talk about it but i think he just gave up in the end he hated being in the home 
Sadly all so very familiar…