My dear, loving wonderful husband died at the end of September. I miss him so much but I also feel terrible guilt, that I should have realised how ill he was, that maybe I caused the infection (he died of sepsis) by overuse of strong creams on his exzema, all the things I didn’t do for him when he was alive. I know I did a lot and I was happy to be able to care for him. No part of caring ever bothered me. But the night he died I refused to believe he might die that night and when I had to leave him in intensive care - I was not allowed to stay or to come back until the next day at midday, I tried to find a hotel but they were full as it was a saturday night in a resort. I thought about sleeping in the car but then thought I would be no use to him tomorrow if I didnt sleep. So I went home, and did not get back in time when the doctor called. I did see a hotel on the way home but I did not feel safe staying there because it was like a motel with the rooms opening onto shared exterior walkways. I let him die alone and I am so sorry and ashamed. I cannot believe I let him down in that way. I loved him so much but failed him. I feel stabs of pain many times a day. I go out and act like Im OK but Im not. Does anyone have a way of coping with guilt?
Alice you mustn’t feel guilty. All of these things were out of your control. It is all too easy to look back and think I should have done this and I should have done that. Grief feeds the guilt as it is so strong but hold on to all of the amazing things you did do for your partner rather than thinking about what you could or should have done. Try and think further back to happier memories than focusing on the last days and take care xx
Thank you so much, Sandie5, you are right. We had so much happiness and such full lives, I should focus on that. I am still so sad, of course - that is inevitable.
Hi Alice. I lost my husband to sepsis the beginning of October. He was taken into hospital about 2am. I stayed with him all night, like you it didn’t occur to me he might die. The next morning I was waiting for him to be given a bed so I could go home and get a nap and something to eat. I called my son and asked him to relieve me but then the doctors seem to be doing a lot more he wasn’t improving in fact he was getting worse but again it didn’t sink in that his life was in danger. I decided at 1pm to pop home for a couple of hours so I could spend the evening with him. In that time they decided to ventilate him. He then went into cardiac arrest. They resuscitated him and I got back up the hospital but only to say goodbye. The guilt of not being there when they took him to be ventilated, to not reassure him or hug him properly. All those hours with him I was mainly in a corner keeping out of the way. But here is the thing. Do I feel bad, yes. It was the wrong decision but it isn’t what killed him. I know his biggest distress wasn’t trying to breathe but seeing me worrying. If he knew he was dying, and I think he did, his main worry would have been me. He didn’t need me to say I love him. He knew. That last 24 hours should not be what I remember, the happy 45 years outweighs that. I did request a call with the doctor who admitted they knew he might die at 10am. She said that they kept me informed all the way but I said at no point did they make it clear just how poorly he was. No one suggested that maybe I should stay a bit longer. I am not a doctor, neither are you. I know my husband would not blame me at all. In fact he told me to go home several times. I am sure yours wouldn’t either. There is nothing we can do to change our decisions so forgive yourself for not knowing. You saved him the pain of seeing your tears. It is still something I regret, but I cannot change anything so I just have to accept that I am rubbish at reading the room. I’ll forgive me, but not the doctors who for them it was just another day and another death.
I too feel guilt about what I should have or should not have done.
Although I did my best ( I think) throughout the years of dementia, visiting constantly when she was in hospital, fighting her corner for the best treatment, in the end I let her down by staying only 10 minutes when she died in hospital. They called me at home to tell me the news and I rushed to her side. Why oh why didn’t I stay longer? I always regret it as there’s nothing I can do about it.
I try to excuse myself by saying it was stress, shock, being on my own, but I did it all wrong. I wish she could forgive me.
I totally get what you are saying my beloved partner passed on xmas morning. I saw him xmas eve but didnt realisehe was so close to passing and am so upset i wasn’t with him . He was in a care home and they tell me he wasnt alone but i cant be sure. It hurts so.much and i feel so guilty.
I’m so sorry, Pinkstuff57. Logically we know we just had too much faith that they would survive the night, in my case a faith in both his toughness and in the hospital that had cured him before, so we were NOT to blame, but logic doesnt always help. My counsellor said that he would not wish me to suffer and feel guilty, and I try to hang onto that, but am sometimes overwhelmed. I’m thinking of you, and we must hang on to the happy memories. I am trying to do that by looking at pictures of holidays, of when he was young and incredibly handsome - no wonder I fell for him!
it has been said people pass alone not wanting loved ones to see it.
if someone purposely was not there, only then is guilt in order.
I have heard that too …which is fine but doesnt help me deal with it x
I feel guilty all the time. I cared for Bridget for almost 9 years, at home, in a care home and in hospital. She had dementia.
Guilty for not doing enough, being mean and uncaring, shouting at her in times of frustration, not spending enough time during a home visit, not spending enough time at her bedside when she died, and the list goes on.
I want resolution but realistically I know I’ll never get it.
I try to imagine what she’d say if we spoke now.
Would she forgive me, understand, say I still love you no matter what, that you did your best in the circumstances, I was ill and didn’t know you so how could we continue as man and wife. All these things I think and it gets me nowhere.
Dear Debsie, I am so sorry. In my case the doctors gave me the idea he would still be there in the morning. You are right, we both had so many happy years to concentrate on. And maybe in my case Alan decided to go so as not to upset me more. My counsellor pointed out that some people do hang on for ages, waiting. But it is hard. I concentrate on knowing it would upset me to see me feeling guilty. That does help, hope it helps you. Really thinking of you
Dear Peter, would she want you to beat yourself up? I know my husband wouldn’t. It doesn’t always stop me, but I hang onto that when I can. You must have gone through hell watching her decline. I hope you can stop putting yourself through more hell, even if that takes time.
Peter it is normal to feel guilty. You just need to push through those emotions and try to focus on, as Alice said, what your wife would want you to be feeling. Give yourself time and don’t be too hard on yourself
Totally get it Peter i feel so guilty for all the things you have said . I put partner in a care home for 2 weeks respite for me as i was his carer he had parkinsons and dementia bit they kept him in and i think he gave up. All my fault .
Dear Pinkstuff, Surely it was the care home’s fault? Please don’t beat yourself up. I am sure you had shown him great love and care. Would he want you to feel so guilty? I know how hard it is not to feel guilt, hope that helps, though. Thinking of you.
I just had to reply to your post
I’ve gone round and round in circles over this, investigated all I could, spoke to doctors, and they all say you just cannot cause someones dementia/ Parkinson’s, it’s just not possible clinically.
It’s all about factors outside anyone’s control. And randomness unfortunately. People get cancer who have looked after themselves all their lives. Of course anyone can increase their chance of developing any illness through neglect.
I realise now that placing my wife into care was a kindness and unselfish as looking after her on my own would have been a disaster ( and selfish because I was lonely)
Please give yourself some kindness and remember we are all flawed humans who just try to do our best with what we are given. We get it wrong and feel guilty, of course we do. But if we didn’t feel guilty we haven’t loved
I know how you feel. My husband died of sepsis in intensive care
In October. I feel guilty because I wasn’t with him when he died at
1am. I had gone home to get some sleep having been there all day.
I wish I had stayed with him longer
Guilt is a terrible thing and part of grief. I felt so guilty that I changed my husband’s CT scan appointment by 3 days because he had started a new job and I didn’t realise it was a urgent referral. I feel guilty for interfering. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly the day of the CT scan. He died from a large saddle pulmonary embolism and kidney cancer in both kidneys which he never knew he had. I keep thinking what if I didn’t change the CT scan would they have seen the blood clot and my husband still be here now having treatment for cancer. He was only 53 years old and this guilt comes and goes. I find talking about it and reaching out to people helps. X
Bumblebee. It was a similar thing for me. We got at the hospital by ambulance at 2am. I was with him all night. At 1pm I went home for a nap so I could spend the evening with him. Planned to be back by 4pm. Just 90 mins after leaving they decided to ventilate him. He had a cardiac arrest. The got him back and I was there when he died but wasn’t there to give him comfort before they put him under. I didn’t realise how close he was to dying because no one made it clear. However my husband was great at reading the room and I think he knew he was dying. That is what haunts me. It took 26 hours from feeling a little unwell to dying of sepsis. I never knew it could strike so quickly. We have to forgive ourselves as I’m sure our partners would forgive us. It wasn’t because we didn’t care.