hi, I’ve never written on anything like this before. so sorry if it makes absolutely zero sense, it’s very much a stream of consciousness thing.
in January, I lost my mum to pancreatic cancer. it was a short, losing battle. what was first just a little back pain became hospital stays. she was diagnosed in December, spent her last Christmas with us, then never came back out of hospital. they really mean it when they say survival rate is brutal. i hate that my last memories of her alive are of her in pain, or not quite fully there (lots of pain meds). i don’t struggle to think of her in any other way, but she deserved so much better than what she got.
now for my actual point — i wish there was more out there for me. i am 23 years old and very aware that what i’ve been through is a rare thing. i struggle to talk about my grief and feelings with my friends because i know they don’t understand (and secretly i fear they wish i wouldn’t talk about it and i don’t blame them, it’s hard to know what to say). i’ve been to grief support groups, but have always been the youngest person in the room. that’s not to say an older person’s experience will be different from mine, and they’ve always been so lovely, but i struggle to relate because of the mindset.
i’ve lost the biggest part of my support network. i have older siblings who i can speak to, and it helps a bit, but i don’t want to dredge up any awful grief feelings in them by wanting to talk about it all the time. i had to move out of the family home because i was the only one left there and everything around me reminded me of her, but now i feel further away from her than ever. seven months has felt like ten years.
i don’t really know what i’m looking for here. i should almost definitely seek grief counselling, but i also really want to hear from others in my position. i need to know that i’m not alone and that other people my age can feel this too.