Hi, I’m finding myself struggling more recently and looking for support. My mother died of cancer year and 7 months ago. I cared for her intensley for 5 months untill her last breathe at home. Cooking, cleaning, lifting, not sleeping, recieving abuse, witnessing her decline.
During that time I think I numbed out to cope and after I was strong. But built up resilience. As times gone past I’ve noticed I can’t handle much. And I’ve introverted, sucked into my phone, and feel lazy unmotivated.
I feel lost in who I am and hard to step forward. Alot of insecurity about moving out of child hood home, being in world on my own.
I had several breaks ups, lock down, and stuck in home with my sister and her partner. I do stuff but with a foggy head and heavy heart.
I want to know if others experience this feeling of total unclarity, but also physical numbness anytime I have to decide stuff. Like I literally go blank. I’m noticing I’ve become very grumpy and anxious about moving out. Especially going through break up recently that was damaging. I couldn’t handle anything. Is this post traumatic stress? Any ideas how to shift through this. I’ve always had a fear of failing as human, I’m very sensitive and empathic.
Joke, what a lot going on in your life it is not surprising that you lost and totally of of sorts. Having lost your mum is bad and having looked after that on its own will take time to come to terms with. I have gone through that and like you I was ok and then left that someone had knocked the stuffing out of me and that was around the 6 months time. I was also going through the menopause, got that sorted and I started to manage.
They do say don’t change big things like homes until you around the 2 years after the loved one as left but for so many this is not possible.
Honestly it is not surprising that you feel stressed, I just re-read your post and my heart goes out to. I think the only thing to say is “stop the world, I want to get off” I am sorry I can’t but you should try to unload some of your stress. Big hugs being sent. S xxx
Hi Joie, I think we can only take so much before our brains just need to retreat and seek safety. Of course that feels like a problem when we have decisions to make and big things to do. But it sounds like you’re totally overwhelmed by everything that’s happened, how could you not be. But try and have faith that even when it feels like ‘laziness’ or just feeling introverted, it’s just your brain and body doing its best to try and recover some feeling of stability.
I totally, totally get it. Lost my Mum nearly a year ago, fairly suddenly but she had been frail for a while and I cared for her a lot. I’ve struggled with everyday life since she died and often feel like I have no sense of myself anymore, let alone any good ideas about my future. I too have big life-decisions to make soon and we are trying to sell Mum’s house, so it’s all a bit much. It’s like I’m clutching at straws to try and find a way to live.
So I know it’s easier said than done but if you’re sensitive, try and use that sensitivity towards yourself, tending to small needs, even if they seem silly at the time. Doesn’t stop life demanding a lot of you but you’ve looked after your Mum so look after you now. Hugs x
I also feeling numb & lost. 17 months on from losing my lovely Dad. Like yourselves had looked after him, he was my purpose & my world. I am 56 Yr old female, no partner for 20 yrs, no children. My friends are kind & caring, but they have partners, some have children and at least 1 parent. So I feel very isolated until I read posts on here of people who going through similar. I now feel so unmotivated & I’ve always been shy, I feel even more so introverted. Most days are very difficult to face, I feel so empty & fearful of my future, I do not know what to do with myself. I took ownership of my Dads elderly dogs, one passed away last Nov & the other dog in Feb, & I was heartbroken I have another dog now, & she gives me structure. She has lovely nature & I get talking to people, but they all seem happy in their lives, they have partners, children, or grandchildren. My brother says I should be happy for people. I am in a way, but it highlights that’s I have no parent, partner, child, no one needs me. I miss my Dad so much. It is painful. People here know how it feels and I feel for them, a lot people having to cope with heartbreak & loneliness.
Hi ,so sorry to hear your still struggling with things, people I’ve spoken to say there’s no time on when the pain,heartache & grieving will end, we all deal with it in different ways & for different times, I lost my mum nearly 3weeks ago , I gave my job up to look after her at home so she could be with my dad & her family, I miss her so much it’s so painful, there isn’t a day gone by that I haven’t cried at least once, I feel guilt shes not here, lost cos I’ve lost my mum, the one person all of us could turn too, the home is empty without her nothing is the same, I feel a part of me has definitely gone with her & I know I’ll never be the same person as I was, I have two supportive daughters but at times still feel lost & empty, you are in my thoughts, keep messaging on here it is a good forum & people understand what your going through, keep in touch take care
Lynn x
Hi Lynn, Thank you so much for your kind and understanding words. I feel same as you, that I lost part of myself, when lost my Dad and I won’t be the same again. People have implied, now my Dad not here, I can live my life how I want to. I do not feel like that, I hate the term moving on. I feel so unconfident without Dad. I cry often & weekends are so lonely, as would be with my Dad. I know I will never stop missing him, I don’t expect or want to, but I hope somehow I can find happiness in some way & wish the same for everyone who is trying to cope with bereavement. Thanks again Lynn, I will visit the site regularly. Kindest wishes Sara
Hi Greenfields, you don’t have to be happy for people. I’m sure you feel happiness when you feel it, not when you or others think you ‘should’. I’m a shy person too and get quite caught up in feelings of loneliness and introversion, especially since losing Mum, far worse than ever before. But it sounds like you’re trying to deal with immense loss and being resourceful. It’s fantastic that you’re connecting with people through having a dog even while you’re grieving. Well done for the care you gave your Dad, that’s truly the greatest gift one person can give another. Caring is not recognised like it should be and I think that can make it harder to move on because it’s so isolating and exhausting at times. But I keep telling myself that I adapted to the years of looking after my parents and so I can adapt again if I give myself a chance. I know how bleak the future looks though, like it’s too late for me. Just have to believe. It is amazing to find understanding from others on here, definitely helps with the feelings of isolation. Sending hugs x
Hi treehugger, thank you so much, for your response to my post. It does mean such a lot, that you empathise and sympathise so much as you have felt/feel the same and therefore we both do not feel quite so alone in our situations/lives. To have another recognise the difficulties and hurt and emotions is of comfort to me. Thank you again
Hello every one, im so sorry i didnt reply to anyone here. I lost my sign in details.
5 years 9n and its so much better.
Actually been good reading this pist and your replies now.
At the time my gosh huge challenges. And i totally empathisise. Its so consuming , dark, hard times. Stre gthens you though.
Upon reflection of this 5 years wow, what got me through is time, patcience and opening to older women or people who have gone through it.
The biggest challenge i found was the impact it has on self identity and motivation.
Now i see grief is a huge gift in disguise. It stops, tears you apart and you get to rebuild yourself. In the moment its so intense you cant see past the fog. And i dont think we are meant too.
I feel grief needs more awareness around it. As a rites of passage.
In essence your getting a carpet pulled from you, your parent, and then you have to somehow conjure up stregth, self compassion to find out how to be on the earth again in a new way.
You have to restore trust in life. It pushes you to care for yourself. It strips away toxic friendships. And gives you unfiltered clarity.
The big turning point was realising my mum was more powerful for me on the other side as a guiding support. I began a journal and use to write to her. Now i talk to her all the time quietly ofcourse. I ask her how she is, ask for guidance. I reflect on her wisdom and bring her spirit alive in that way. Then i realise that now i am here on this earth. She is not. So i must live. Show my love to her birthing me here by living and intergratung her spirit.
Sure i have waves of sadness but irs got less and less.
More i learn respect that mothers and patents go through. She didnt go through all 9f that so i am depressed on the earth.
There are so many stages to grief and one of them i remember is pain of numbness, isolation, anger at universe for being part of this cruel reality we live and die.
In that i began to finally accept this and just live more in the moment.
Life really is short. Live it. Carry your loved ones with you and embrace all the stages, dont block it. Honor it as a huge rites of passage of life. Learning to reparent yourself. X much love.