To everyone of you who has replied i take every thing you say on board and thankyou .But unfortunately for me im totally alone Beleve me when i say i have one friend and i can ring her for a chat .But her life is her family .He was my complete life .im 71 dont drive dont work .my family live abroad and ye i can spend a week with them now and again .But still have to come bk to this lonley existance .im just tired of life and all its thrown at me .probley sounds like im feeling sorry for myself .But just tired of struggling through each day for nothing xxx
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My dear @Hope5 - you have all of us on here. We are right here for you. I have never known such a kind, loyal, understanding group of people than our squad here, those who have lost the love of their life and who are battling through each day. You are not struggling through for nothing, my friend. You are here, you are with us and we are with you. You bring so much to this family here. You are sort of stuck with us! Loads of love, keep going, keep posting, we are with you x
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@Rammie - I know, I know. We are with you, your friends on here. We understand. For you, Simon. For me, Tom. For others, different names, same love, same connection. My life was Tom, 100%. And that love, that connection, has seen me through it. Keep posting, stay close to us. We are with you.
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Sorry all. Thanks for all the replies and support. Just feeling sorry for myself. Need to pull my socks up and get on with it. 
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@Rammie -take your time, hold tight. You are grieving, not feeling sorry for yourself - there is a massive difference. There is no must or have to, there is only taking little steps, each day. We are with you, and you are with us. We go together, my friend. x
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@Rammie . Vancouver is right. Every day, every hour is different. I am trying not to drown but we need to swim for our loved ones. They had no choice which makes me sad and heart broken, but we do for now. Dont look ahead. Sending love to everyone in this terrible grief.
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Thank you @Vancouver
Just wise, heartfelt kind and true words.
Perfect advice for us all
Thank you 
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@Cathphil - thank you, we are all together on here, working our way through this as a team x
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You are right Vancouver we have this website and support on s daily bases id be lost without you all.I just carnt see a happy future with no days out and no holidays i wouldnt go out on my own not confident enough .we are all on this horrible journey some people have more family and friends thats all .But there is still some of us who havnt and that on top of the griefing is un bearable .Just wish i could see just a tiny bit of hope but right now i carnt just realy down .Hope other people are ok love to you all hope 5 xxx
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Still hate every minute. Every night when I go to bed Iâm just glad itâs one more day of this crap life out the way and I am one step closer my own death.
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Thatâs exactly the way my life is now I think the day I awoke from a few hours sleep and realised Ann was gone that in the early hours I had sat and watched her last breath and here I was thinking what I needed too do should I wake her,or if she is already awake does she need help to rise up out of bed and then help with her toilet All the normal everyday care I helped Ann with and then reality stuck I have no need too go and find out what I should do thereâs nothing too be done ever again and so each and every day is now a pretence trying too make the day go by finding some kind of task that keeps my mind off reality Washing Cleaning Gardening anything but I all comes back too the same fact Ann is gone and so his my life Oh yes I have family nearby but they all have lives of their own and itâs hard enough today without the need for them to care for me they visit but I know they will soon be gone and the emptyness returns I have tried going out for a walk or too the pub but the dread of knowing Ann will not be there Well we all know that feeling of despair
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My dear @Annsboy - I am so very sorry that Ann has died. I watched my husbandâs last breath and he and I went together through is cancer - it was awful. I thought my life was over, too. I even posted here on that feeling - that we both had died, when he died. All I can say is, 17 months on, is that it is getting better, easier to bear. I am making a life for myself now, and you know, it is ok and I know that Tom, my husband, would be cheering me on. My love for him is not diminished by this, only strengthened. The bond we share remains intact, even though he is not visible to me anymore. Hold tight, my friend, this experience is the hardest we ever have to face and we have no choice but to go through it. A day at a time. Keep going, you are stronger than you may think and you have friends here who understand the pain, the sadness, the void, the silence and all that grief and separation brings with it. We have got you, keep going.
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@Annsboy i was with Simon when he suddenly said I feel sick and before he hit the bed he was dead. I looked after him for 20 years. And in the last 12 days as it turned out. I was with him every day.
I am on my own. Family live 100 miles awayâŚâŚ this is me much done⌠Thanks for all the âsupportâ. I know he is waiting for me.
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Hi Rammie
I have just picked up on this conversation. Please read and re-read @Vancouver as every word comes from the heart and experience of this terrible journey. I am also further along and see that your loss is still very new and raw and that your husband was in need of your care and you must feel so lost without him I can well understand that your life must have no meaning now
I am hoping you wonât think me uncaring to your heartbreak but I have been on this forum for a year or so and have seen posts just like yours so many times. It is a natural reaction and I remember a member writing that it wasnât that we wanted our lives to end we just wanted the grief and pain to come to an end.
When I had been on the forum for some time I was able to look back at what I had written in those early days and couldnât believe it had come from me as it was totally out of character. I am now four years along this road and we do adapt and find our way again. We do not forget, ever, but we do learn to live with our loss and what memories might have caused heartbreak can become wonderful memories in time.
Please Rammie give yourself time to grieve and take each day. It is a terrible trauma to lose them and we are broken but given time we do start to mend and find our way again. Much like learning to walk again.
Good luck to you.
P xx
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@Pattidot what a lovely uplifting post. Just what us that are nearer the start if this journey need to hear. Thank you
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Hi Jan
I can remember those first months so well. I can remember feeling so lost that I used to walk the streets with my dogs in the dark. It was just before Christmas and I found the tree lights and decorations brightened my doom. I can remember having a complete meltdowns and not wanting to see or be with anyone. My world was black and I couldnât see a light. I didnât want to mix with people even friends and kept well away. All those terrible emotions keep coming to slap us down. I called it the âGrief Monsterâ. Now I can look back and know I have come a long way. True I am changed and we never expect it to affect us like this but I am adapting to my life and find myself having some good days and enjoying myself. I enjoy my own company (with my dogs of course) now and there are many other members who were on this forum in their early days and now leading worthwhile lives. We will never forget and carry those loved ones forever. I feel so sad when I see new members who say they want their lives to come to an end. Never say never and life has a habit of picking us up again. My Nan was always saying âIt has to get worse before it gets better.â
Pat
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@Pattidot - very wise words. I recognise so much of what you share. I went into the spin-cycle of grief in January 2022, after a year watching my husband disintegrate because of cancer. Those early days after he died, I couldnât breathe. I could barely function. Now, 17 months on, I am finally on solid ground. My job is awesome, taking me already this year to the Caribbean, Paris and in the Autumn, to Australia. I have found a beautiful house and am waiting for the conveyancing process and a chain to work its magic. I have a little home in the mountains and am returning there in August for a month. I have so much to look forward and so much to be thankful for. There were days on the way to now where I could barely function. The days when I shut the curtains, bolted the door and stared at the wall. Those long, terrible days. But, I clawed, staggered, inched, jumped, my way back to right here, right now. And the best part of right now is that my bond with Tom, my beloved husband who died, is stronger than ever. He is cheering me on. Friends, hold on. Hold tight. It may not seem like it now but there is a way through this, a way where you can keep your lost loved one close, survive it and turn your face to the sun again. Keep posting, keep going. Loads of love, from your friend, Vancouver x
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@Pattidot and @Vancouver thank you so much for your insight. It really helps to know there may be a worthwhile future ahead when things are so bleak. Xx
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@Jan17 - there is a way through, my friend. Keep posting, stay close. We go through this together x
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Thanks @Vancouver, if only a little of what we are saying can help those new members then we are proving to have some use.
I also watched my husband disintegrate with Cancer.
My life isnât as exciting as yours but I am happy with it. I have my lovely allotments (plus aching back), the garden I enjoy pottering in, my beloved dogs who I enjoy walking. I have adapted to being on my own and quite enjoy it now. I meet for a chat with friends most days and this suits me. I have slotted into a life I can appreciate.
Enjoy your work and new home and I love the thought of a little home in the mountains. I am surrounded by sea on a lovely Island but mountains have always been a great love as my husband and i were keen walkers and climbers. There is a magic about them.
Pat
xx
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