So true @Pudding
Unable to concentrate watching TV yet not watching background noise. Been 5+ months but stll cant concentrate on anything just cant settle tonight for some reason. Wish things would get better hare weekends always unable to do things.
I hope one day i wake up and its a better place i am in.
Take care
Lynne x
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Yes lets say how lucky we were to have such wonderful husband or partners. Am so glad i went to college, that where i saw him 47yrs ago.he was tall dark and hansom. He was from Iran study here. We married 2yrs later. Married here and in iran. I loved everything about him. We had 3 lovely children and 6 grandchildren. He loved them all. How lucky was I. I have had a wonderful life god bless him. How does your story go. Xx
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I first met Norman at an interview for our first jobs. They were hiring a few people and we had to have a training course for the work. We were both employed. We were 3 years later and had been together just shy of 50 years when he died. Both worked in IT but I was more technically orientated than he was. He was a truly terrible programmer but a very good business analyst. In one of his jobs he brought his programs home and I would change them so they would work. At one point worked at the same company for over 10 years. He would do anything for anybody but did like spending money and cars. In the last years he had been my carer but now must manage on my own. 5 + months and I can’t say how much I miss him.
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See how things change he was your carer. I hope you are managing on your own. You sound like you were a good team. The thing is i still have my 94yr old mum, we always thought she would go first. Life is unpredictable. Xx
I have carers come in first thing in the morning. I have incredible neighbours. Otherwise I have found ways of doing things. You do what you must. Thanks for your thoughts and we were a very good team.
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Pudding thanks for the chuckle about you changing his programmes to make them work. Much needed
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It is true. I wrote some from scratch. Looking back probably not really ethical but we were just married. I could program in Fortran, COBOL, 2 different types of BASIC, Assembler and ABAP. None of which mean anything to anybody these days. I was very good at finding and fixing bugs in programs.
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My life changed on 22nd july, I am trying to make my husband proud by acheiving small things, its hard and I have days when I wish it was me and not him tbat had passed away then I think of my children and grandchildren and how I want yo watch them grow so when I do join him I can have memories to share again.
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I met Colin through a blind date my sister arranged. She had known Colin years before through school and friend’s.
We met in November 1988, he stood me up on the first date we arranged.
First official date was February 14 1989 married 24th October 1989. He passed 21st July 2023.
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So much that has been said on this thread resonates with me.
But COBOL and Fortran @Pudding! Ha! When I moved to mainstream IT from BBC Micro games programming in 6502 assembler, I made a pact with myself to never write a line of COBOL! My first coding was in Fortran77, a comms system for an automated warehouse. ABAP, was that something to do with SalesForce? Cannot remember!
@Juliebobs said “… dismantling his life.” This is exactly the phrase that keeps running through my mind. Over the past couple of months I have been sorting out and passing on as much as I can, not just Christine’s possessions but mine as well. All of this stuff just feels to be a weight on my soul. This stuff is not Christine and it is not me so it can go. I just want to get down to the essentials and the stuff that really does have some meaning for me. But the process is horrendous. Absolutely I am dismantling a life and it is hard.
As for watching TV … well once again I find myself watching a Scooby Doo animated kids movie this evening!
Best wishes to all.
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@nicky1961 no you are right . Nothing feels right now . My happy life has been sucked away as my beautiful hubby of 58 died in may . Only the people on this site truly understand the suffering we are all in . I don’t know how many years I have until I am in his arms again but every minute is too long . My hugs to everyone
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Aw … @Jol you are sad arent you ? Its hard without them here isnt it to love us ? Its one of the hardest journeys i have been on … where is the love ? I dont feel any from anyone - well a few friends, sort of ! Everybody just seems to move on with their lives and they dont seem to care what we are going through … thats how i feel anyway … i feel such a massive disconnect with the world and i am questioning everything i do because i had my hubby to help me before ! Not easy is it at all 
this rotten journey we have to take and you do question mortality dont you ? You start to think what is the point when our hearts are so broken? I watched your mum, my dad and how he handled it that poor guy who lost his wife and he found happiness again. I only hope i do one day as i cant see any other way to be happy again ? And as my dentist, who i known for many years, said to me - he would want you to be happy ! Of all the people in the world he would ! Because he was a happy person - but i dunno if i will find it … i hope i do. I was reading an article about grief and it says it is our last act of showing how much we loved them - never thought about it like that … xxx
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@Deb5 I can relate to everything you’ve said. It is exactly how I feel. Let’s hope we all see the light at the end of the tunnel some day. In the meantime I just need to live one day at a time trying to cope with the pain of losing my husband. I don’t think my broken heart will ever be whole again. It’s definitely hard.
Take care. xx
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@JerryH ABAP worked with SAP on the database. I loved automated warehouses though was supposed to focus in accounts and costing.
Like you I am clearing out to the essentials. Mine and Norman’s stuff. Things that haven’t been used are going. The dulce gusto coffee pod maker. The tumble dryer. The Kenwood chef. A lot if it is in top cupboards I can’t reach so will have to wait for guests. The process is excruciating but necessary so that I can survive.
I am getting better with TV . Managed to get through a Liam neeson film tonight called retribution but tend to find myself watching minions. Love and hugs to a fellow techie. Xx. Sandra
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Bless you … thanks for your reply . What are we doing up ar this early hour ? Ive found i keep waking up early for some reason - so annoying. Take care too and yes its hard … but i see you are early on in your grief and thats the hardest time xx
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@Deb5 as you know I am up for my carers but would be anyway. Just can’t sleep past 5a.m. I obviously didn’t sleep well last night as I am shattered this morning. Doesn’t help with fuel bills does it.? I just keep praying please please let me have the oblivion of sleep. The days seem long and dark and today wet. Another Bloody Sunday.
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Hi Sandra
I was like you last night.
Not sleeping well up every couple of hours.
Feel tired now but will get up as cant go back now.
Hope your carers arrive soon and you can start this sunday. Another day in the nightmare of existence.
Wish i stayed closer could have visited you for chat and to help keep us both sane.
Unfortunately at the other end of the country
Its looking cold and bleak outside this morning
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@Galaxy75 . Carers here promptly at 7:00. Another awful Sunday. Somehow the people I seem to connect to on this site all seem to live as far away as possible. It would be nice to visit and chat as I think we would get in well. Don’t seem to be many in Somerset.
The one advantage to being first for the carers during the day is I don’t get charged mileage. I will for Tuesday and Wednesday when it is 08:30. I suppose I could change company to get a regular time but I get on well with all my carers. They are a good bunch and I know I can trust them to be here.
Challenge today as I am washing towels. One is a bath sheet. As I don’t use a tumble dryer it is with a de humidifier to dry it in the conservatory. Great on a sunny day but don’t think that is going to be today.
Will watch the cenotaph service and cry when they play Nimrod but then I always did.i find it very evocative.
3 neighbours expected today. Ros to pick up something for the charity shop she volunteers in and then later to bring me a loaf of bread and some apples. Sue when she leaves puppy Barney so he gets used to being alone and Erika when she moves my rubbish to the kerb for tomorrows pick up.
Have as good a day as you can.xx
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Hope you have good day too.
If ever i am down in that area i will be dure to visit.
I just wish we could have ways to meet people in our areas who are going through similar pain. It is nice just to meet talk about everday things and our loved ones keeping memories 
alive x
Still we have this website which helps us put down or feeling’s.
Take care
Lynne x
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@Deb5 , I agree, so many people say he would want me to be happy and I’m certain he would, but I just don’t know how I will ever get to that place of being happy again without him.
I actually had a good day yesterday. I watched my eldest son do a half marathon in Cardiff and then the grandkids came over in the afternoon. I went to some friends for dinner and I’m so glad I went. I had been putting them off for weeks but they were so kind without saying all the cliches and didn’t try to fix me or tell me what I should be doing. Also the food was delicious as I haven’t had much appetite and have lost interest in cooking.
However, whilst I had a good day (as opposed to crying all day) I can’t say I was happy. It was just a better day than I’ve had for a while. I suppose it’s a good start 
Take care all xx
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