I hate this life now, i know you may think these are strong words and i couldn’t possibly mean it.
My whole lfe changed on 21st July. There was nothing i could do about it so yes, i mean it.
I count the days, i watch the clock because every tick i hear means i am getting older, my heart beats i hear, means to me that it is wearing out and it is comforting. I wake in the mornings thinking…another day closer to being with you again. Am i being selfish i find myself thinking?
No, I dont think so. We were and we are a team, two people, one soul.
Think of the children and grand children i hear people saying…from the moment they were conceived, they are all i thought about, from the moment they were born i would be thinking about them…“Do they need this, i know they need that, how can i teach them this and what can i do to make them well-adjusted adults”. I have done that, WE have done that…"isnt it my turn to think, “what do i need” and what i need is to be with him to seen him look at me in the certain way where words were not necessary. The silence now is deafening but at least i can hear those clocks ticking a little louder.
Tell me, am i selfish or can one think just for once about themselves and not feel a complete and utter lousy human being?
And another one of us up at this ungodly hour. No you are not selfish or a horrible human being. You are grieving. Those ticking clocks. Don’t you wish they would go faster? If you can’t think about you at this time when can you. Xx. Sandra
Hi @nicky1961 @Pudding
My life changed on 8th June so i know exactly how your feeling.
Families just dont understand how you are feeling they just get on with their own lives and expect you too do same. God if
it only were that easy
How can you do that we spent over 37 years together and married 35
Take care and look after yourself after all if you dont do that who else will.
Sending 
hugs
Lynne x
Mine changed just 2 days before you Lynne. 8th would have been his 71st birthday. I didn’t expect to spend it informing people of his death. Trying to get on with this new reality but it is hard. Kept tearing up when talking to lady from Age UK yesterday about the things I find difficult daily. Just got to survive and hope things will eventually improve. Hugs.
Hi Sandra
I know didnt think at 66 years i would be doing same. At least i am able to get around and out at the moment and i know it must be tough for yourself and others who can’t get out do much. Not looking forward to bad weather when i might not be able to go outside.
My mind cant settle TV on but background noise not watching books lying on table unread. Then Alexa saying strange things never heard her address my husbsnd before she said Good Afternoon Kevin the time is. Freaked me out. Well strange dont know why she said that 
Have a good day x
I felt exactly like this, didn’t matter who or what was in my life, I wanted to be with him. Oh but you have your kids, your grandkids, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter.
Now, 9 months gone, I’m not so sure I would swap what I have for him now. I like my life to a degree and it is improving all the time. Yes, I still have bad times but overall it’s ok.
If I did die before my time, I fear I won’t be with him so I will stay and make a life till it’s time, whenever that is. But I do get what you said and I’ve felt exactly like that.
Hi nicky1961 you are not being selfish it’s all part of the grieving process we need to go through . Life seems so unfair to take our most treasured possessions but it does . I felt just like you and each day I still feel I’m a day closer to being with him again and have felt that for the past three years . But I know for sure Rob wouldn’t want me being sad and lonely so I have had to get myself ( with professional help) off the dark road I was in and I try to live each day to make him proud and I do my level best to ensure he’s not forgotten and we often talk about him with the kids and grandkids .
I try to live in his honour because I feel it was such an honour to have been chosen to be his wife and we had a wonderful 33 years marriage until he was suddenly taken from us . So no I don’t think your being selfish at all I like to call it self preservation take care and all you can do is your best
Hi Lynne.
Alexa would have freaked me out doing that. I can only watch non challenging Tv but did manage COBRA Rebellion. I will be 72 in December so I did have longer with Norman to savour. We married at 21. I think I may try and att k the desk today. Can’t face filing cabinet yet and not the easiest thing to get to. Supposed to be dry at least most of today before weather comes in AGAIN. Getting up this early place havoc with the fuel bills as I will not be cold. Can look forward to a Chicken Tikka Masala tonight. Ready meal. Being rural means the only place that delivers is Dominoes. Hope you have as good a day as possible. Xx. Sandra
I know what you mean. Its not really a life irs an existence Steve passed on my 59th birthday. He was just 75. Had to get up as someone is coming to take our touring caravan away. His car has gone, feels like I am dismantling his life. Steve said he had the easy bit dieing abd I had the hard part living.
Hi @Juliebobs
I know what you mean.
Currently sorting through clothes garage tools etc. It is almost like you say given away part of him. Dont want everything to go as it would mean like he didnt exist.
His car has gone and some of his coats shoes went to charity.
I guess we come into the world with nothing and leave the same way.
Has made me think to get rid of my own material things after i go they will end up on charity shop
Take care hope the weekend goes well
Lynne x
Hi nicky it was the 21st july for me to my husband was 54 together for 25 years im the same counting the days till we are together again.
Your not selfish at all its grief im the same
We are still early days hopfully things will get better for us all in this group we dont want to be part of x
Thankyou. You too. Sometimes it seens too much too soon but we have got to look after ourselves now haven’t we?
Hi there
I lost my lovely husband and everything you have wrote I can understand because I feel the same way
Take care xx
I know how you feel; life has just stopped. Everything we once knew has changed. And you wonder why should you go on. But i suppose we have to.my husband suddenly passed 5 and half weeks. So i have a long way to go. But they say its grief and we have to go through it. You need to tell people how you feel, dont hide it. Do you have any kind of counseling. You take here, and keep talking to us.sending huggs x
@nicky1961 I totally get what you are saying. I lost my husband of 40 years 7 weeks ago. Like you I don’t want to be here but with him. No, you are not being selfish. All we can do is live one day at a time until we are reunited with our loved ones again. In the meantime please look after yourself and take car. Sending you love and hugs. xx
I bought a console and it came flat pack.
Colin would have put it together in half an hour with a cotton bud and an elastic band, it took me 2 hours and i cried because he is not here. Its me left here with no love anymore, no one to say, “How has your day been”? Its not fair, i want him here with me, i want to be able to say “i love you hun shall we have an early night”? Or to watch crap TV together on the sofa like we did cuddled up under a blanket.
Hi @nicky1961
You managed to put together the console well done. It may have taken longer but be would be proud you did it.
Life on our own is very good we miss lots of things and attempting to do tasks our other halfs did is daunting.
I am planning on painting the kitchen soon.
My husband was always gardening growing vegetables so house which needed decorating was never done so something to look at doing next year.
Another Saturday night so quiet now and watching TV but like you say miss someone to talk to cuddle up.
Wishing you all a nice night
Lynne x
Oh nicky i feel your pain , but well done putting that together. Am sure he was there watching. Take care, talk to us . X
The house is so quiet, it deafening. TV is not holding my interest.
I have been sat here thinking, how lucky we have all been to share our lives no matter how long or short, with partners that made us laugh, loved us, held our hearts in their hands with the reassurance they would and did keep them safe. I am so proud to have known him and loved and love him still.
Everyone, please keep talking, it helps me and others to know we are not alone in this God awful, heart wrenching grief. I am so glad i found this forum, you have helped me in so many ways.
Nicky
It is so difficult to find anything to distract you or hold your interest. Tv on all day to fill the silence. Tomorrow is Sunday and I hate Sundays. On top of that it is rememberance Sunday. I always normally watch it but I am not sure I can this year. Nimrod makes me teary at the best of times. Thinking about how we used to watch together I am going to need a box of tissues.