It’s half 3 in the morning and I am wide awake. I can’t sleep, the irrational thoughts keep swirling around my head and I don’t know how to stop them. It always hits me when I am alone and the house is silent. I don’t have a partner to offload too, so a lot of my feelings are kept locked away. It has been over a year since my Dad suddenly passed away and for a while there I felt I was getting better but now feel lost again and have no idea what to do. I tried to open up to someone the other day and got shut down, they said “it has been a year now, stop dwelling on it and move on!” I would like to say it is that easy but it just isn’t that black and white. It also makes me wonder whether my other friends think the same?! I know, no-one can help me but it doesn’t take much to listen but maybe they are right and I do just need to keep it to myself from now on and stop dragging everyone else down with me!
Sorry for ranting, I just needed to get it off my chest, maybe I’ll be able to get some sleep now but we shall see!
l have no-one to talk to except the walls since l lost my husband. l get up at 3am as well. l tend to talk my thoughts out loud, it gets them out of my head.
Speak to the chair as if your dad was there, it maybe one sided but expressing your thoughts and feelings helps to unload, cry if the mood takes you, sob & wail, release that tension, dont hold it in, that’s not good. There is no-one that can understand your pain except those like us on this site.
My sister understands as she lost her son, so she lets me blubber and sob till lm exhausted.
I am on my own to, just my son (who is 12) and I. Lost my mum suddenly at the end of the December. Yes the 3am wake up call when you start going over things again in your head. This is not an easy journey and your right some folk just don’t get it.
It’s my mums birthday today, first one without her another hurdle to overcome.
I sat on Sunday and spoke to her ashes telling her off for leaving me and that I miss her so much. I speak to her all the time telling her what’s happening but yes the silence is something else.
Take care
Valda xx
Sometimes I find silence a blessing as since I lost Jim, I have now developed an intolerance to selfish uncompassionate people, in fact they have made me worse in feeling more lonely and isolated.
I get it that unless you have been bereaved, nobody can understand what grieving is like but I would rather people said that to me than use vacuous, meaningless words and gestures. People can be a constant source of disappointment and let you down, at least I don’t let me down. However we all as human beings need connection to others but I choose more carefully now.
The silence at home is something we can only fill with TV, music, kids if we have them or animals but no amount of noise can fill that huge hole that our loved one’s filled
@sarlyn I agree about silence - it can be useful and sometimes a pain in the bum. You’re right too about people. It came as no surprise that a lot of the people around me who were there offering kind words up until my partner’s funeral then drifted away and one in particular really surprised me (not in a good way) and they are surprised themself that I keep them at arms length now. It has been comforting that those friends I have known the longest are the ones who have stuck around. Music has always been helpful for me - I listen to it a lot, TV less so, I barely watch it other than finding a decent movie on Netflix to pass the time. There is a big hole there though but one that hopefully will become smaller with time.
Happy Heavenly Birthday to your lovely mum.
I hope you are managing to cope today as it is these milestones that wipe us out.
Sending you a big hug x
@Sarlyn thank you its been a very emotional day and totally wiped out but she has been celebrated. My friends came over and we went for a afternoon tea and talked about her, sad without her but lovely as so many messages from people who knew her 
Valda xx
Rr2 no need to apologise for how your feeling.i totally understand why .i feel the same way .even though my daughter lives with me. I have to put you tube on or the tv just to get through the day .as regards the stop dwelling on it some people have no idea how it feels do they. I had two so called friends send me links to dating sites there answers time to move on and make a new start with someone else. My reply was dont ever contact me again our friendship is over .your among friends here
@RR2 There’s no timeline on grief. Be kind to yourself. There’s also no right way to grieve. It’s a process unique to each person & their relationship with the dearly departed. My Dad died last month in hospital & I’m using the approach of good days, bad days & worse days. You experience a rollercoaster of emotions & it’s exhausting. You loved your Dad, grieve accordingly. Best wishes