I hate the S word

My beautiful shining light of a boy left us in September 2021, he was 22. He took matters into his own hands when he realised he was £10,00 short so his dream of going to Edinburgh University was snatched from him the week before he was due to go. Gabriel was a politics graduate and was due to start his masters. The story is far more complex but I’ll save that for future conversations. As a family we are changed everything is different and navigating this “ new normal” is something I struggle with. If you want to chat I’m here. A little piece of me died that day, his dreams died with him, but my dreams too. Sometimes I’ve heard the S word as a selfish act, I’ve never thought this from the first moment I was told Gabriel had died I thought he was so brave, and selfless because he thought he was a burden and the world would be better off without him. How wrong he was, since he died I have learnt of all the good he did, for his friends, for the homeless, he even donated blood during the pandemic. I felt so robbed after Covid, “yes!” I thought I’ve got my 3 through that and then I lost him.
Nothing makes sense when a child dies, it’s all wrong, it shouldn’t be like this. I cry every day sometimes a little sometimes it’s a howl of a cry with snot and swollen eyes, nice.
I walk, I drink far too much Diet Coke,
( something I only discovered since Gabriels death) I vape, I only sleep if I’m listening to the Victorian flower garden in my ears. I find pockets of joy everyday, I would like to share how I cope, and sometimes how I don’t. Thankyou for taking the time to read this, maybe I’m just rambling? But I’m here.


Oh Melinky so heartbreaking reading about your boy so very sorry for your loss.He sounds like a wonderful human being and I am sure the world was a much better place for having him in it.I too have lost my son my only child through different circumstances so I really do understand your pain.My love to you and your family baby steps one day at a time xx x

I’m so sorry for your loss :broken_heart: I lost my precious son age 22 aswell. Different circumstances, heartbroken since June 2020. Existing each day since, desperate for some happiness. Hate the new normal, so hard engaging with life. Sending as much strength as possible to you & everyone suffering.

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Thankyou for responding I was just reading another parents loss for him it was 9 months ago, I was just going to reply with “ baby steps” when I read your response to my post, so I will take that as a sign. I personally do believe the soul goes on it doesn’t however dull the pain of they physical absence of my boy, I’d do anything to hear him crashing open the front door, charging down the steps like a tornado. I often hear my son berating me as I wash up because I’m hopeless at it. All I can say is talk to your son, remember the memories, and let the tears fall. Grief never leaves it’s an unwelcome guest . My thoughts are with you and Thankyou again :pray:t4::heart: Melissa

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Bless you dear soul, yes it’s hard the hardest and most awful thing we will ever experience. My son would be mortified at the things I’ve done since he left, he’d be saying “ c,mon mother, it’s not that deep!” Send light and love to your boy every day, I search for signs, often nothing then little things. You will move forward in your own way. My son often said “ and we go on” and I try to remember this when the grief floors me completely. Look after yourself be kind to you. It was my sons choice I wish he hadn’t made that choice, it was stupid and he wouldn’t have seen the earthquake he left behind. Sending you healing hugs, you will always be his mummy xx