I cant stop thinking about the night Colin was taken to theatre. He was a donor you see and i wanted to be with him, to be with him until the very end but our son was in such a state and he did not want to be there to see his dad taken away for the last time. I wanted to be with Colin but my heart was aching so for Simon and i couldn’t and didn’t want him to be in the house all alone, so i went home with him just before Colin was taken. I regret that, the feeling i have in my heart feels like a betrayal to Colin.
I can’t be sure that if the roles were reversed if he would have come with me or stayed with Simon. I am starting to feel resentment toward Simon and i know i shouldn’t but he stopped me from going with the other half of my heart. I promised to be there in sickness and in health and i couldn’t fulfil that promise i made to him.
I am afraid this resentment will grow what can i do. Please help.
Nicky
I think that we always find a reason to torture ourselves. I know I did for every bereavement I have suffered. Two husbands, two parents, a sister and a few others. It seems to be a default strategy to punish ourselves.
I also think that your husband would have probably wanted you to look after your son. My husband always said that children come first, even grown-up children. It is a natural instinct to protect our children from pain, and I would have done exactly the same as you did. After all, I am guessing that there was nothing you could do for your husband, but there was something you could do for your son.
As for resenting your son, again I think that when we are in such pain, it is common to lash out at the closest person.
Give yourself a break, if you can. I know that is easy for someone else to say, but you need to look after yourself now.
Much love. Xx
Agree entirely with Willow, why we torture ourselves I don’t know, I assume it has to do with guilt that we are the ones left, we dwell on things, we over think things and we do it again and again, if the tables were reversed, would we want the ones left to go through this? to torture themselves? no, I don’t think any of us would.
nicky1961, if you had stayed with your husband and left your son at home, would you be now posting and beating yourself up for doing that? we do our best at a time when our minds are all over the place but we have done our best and that is all you can do and I am sure the person we lost would not judge us for it, so nicky1961 don’t regret your choice and don’t feel you betrayed Colin.
Take care and huge respect to Colin for being a donor.
I lost my husband 5 months ago to sudden heart attack , and 24 years previously his adoptive Dad had a heart attack at the wheel of his car while driving his then 17 year old son .
When my husband went into A&E to see them he said he was torn on who to go to , he said he could see his Dad was lay there lifeless, and his son was lay there crying , so he said he went to his Son as he said , he was making the noise he wanted and needed attention , where as his Dad was not making a sound he said he just felt he wasn’t distressed so didn’t need him , he had sadly passed , but my husband said “he went to the one who needed him the most at the time “x
Thank you so much for all your supporting replies.
It is very hard to live with these thoughts and feeling running through my head and i have tried, i really have tried to compartmentise my duty to my son and to Colin and put myself in Colin’s shoes…what would he have done and what would i have wanted him to do and it is precisely what i did but my minds eye is in that bloody corridor, the corridor i have to walk down nearly every day at work.
How the hell do people survive this, God only knows, but i have to say, the people on here are fantastic. You have all kept me from going mad, kept me from hitting the bottle and i thank you from the bottom of my heart 
. Xxxx
Unless someone has been in your shoes , they can’t tell you how to tie the laces x
hi sorry for your loss you did at the time what you thought was the best thing for your son and i am guessing Colin would have understood you have no reason to feel regret you did your best at that very sad time so look back on all your happier times with Colin and just give your son a huge hug he was hurting at that time and probably still is all we can do in any kind of circumstances is our best and i am certain you did that
Yes Colin was unconscious and i am not sure if he knew i was there but Simon was barely holding on. My heart was breaking even more just watching him, i wanted to try and ease his pain so i can see why your husband was drawn to where he thought he was needed the most.
Thank you Jane 15. X