I have just gone through three firsts

I have just gone through three firsts in a week . My first birthday and Christmas and also my daughters first birthday without her dad in all there have already been five since I lost him to Coronavirus in April. I am finding it so hard with the huge number of deaths/infections. It seems that I can never forget how he died all the indignities associated with it and the feeling I lost someone I loved to the plague.

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OMG, I cannot imagine how you feel. I ‘think’ I had COVID in January, however it was mild, treated by the GPs.
COVID has cost us too many lives. I do not think the government has handled it well at all.
I am so very sorry that you are one of the 100,000s - possibly 1,000,000s - who have lost a loved one. You have done the right thing by joining our grim gang of mourners. We collectively pour our hearts out and somehow manage to help each other in the saddest of situations.
With love - as a sister in grief - Christie xxx

My husband died off Covid December 5 we didn’t bother with Christmas,Andy loved Christmas as well rip Christmas cards up never put a tree up been such a heartbreaking year for a lot off people and to have to face new year without him I went bed at 6 and drank to I fell sleep people keep telling my baby steps I want to scream all the time can’t even face that .

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Thank you Christie after 39 years with one man because we were not married I go back to single but I want to be known as Bereaved. unfortunately this is not an option. We had all those years together but are not recognised in the eyes of the law. It compounds my grief.

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Debbie 55 It is early days for you I screamed on and off for months. Added to that I was only allowed 5 people to the funeral, no hearse and a funeral out of my area as no one else would handle covid patients. My partner had Parkinson’s and Dementia and did not know he was going to die. I did get to say goodbye though. I miss him and I am angry he has left me behind. I could not get rid of even his medicine for six months , Now I am two days off of nine months and no idea how I got to this point. Take baby steps Debbie and talk on here as much as you need too.


Yes I understand all those firsts.
My wife died ofCovid (she was mildly asthmatic) the day after my birthday on Nov 22.
She could only communicate with me via text and they got les a less towards the end .
But the last one she sent me was to wish me a happy birthday Next day I got the call and was allowed in to be with her wearing full ppe then they told me she wasn’t going to recover an died while I was at her side.
I’m traumatised,angry,lonely,tired,searching for answers
So first Christmas :heavy_check_mark:first new year​:heavy_check_mark: hate this holiday period even though I’m it tier 4 everywhere is so quiet,can’t stand this empty house so I walk and walk and walk.
Once day at a time they say … how many more ?
So scotch and sleeping pill it is again tonight

First weadding annyversary, first Christmas card with only my name on it, first Christmas, first New Year, they hurt a Lot,
One day at a time well my life since i lost my husband has been that, i am so lost without him, dont know what to do, where to go, talk to someone has become a privilege as friends and family continue their lifes.

The only place i think to go is the park so as Mickp said
Walk, walk and walk then arrive to an empty house. Where the day is too long and night are even longer.

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I didn’t do Christmas rip all Christmas cards up and never wrote one,
I go cemetery and spend time there ,my husband was buried,
I then come home and lock the door ,I get know comfort from are home anymore ,I just sit looking out at the garden thinking why was he taken,we had a great marriage we did everything together never a day apart ,so bloody hard to do anything xx


Hi Debs. Yes it is bloody hard even harder in this bloody pandemic.
Today I’m walking again hoping it tires me out enough to sleep. I must cut down on alcohol as it only aids depression.
Had to collect my wife ashes this week so got them in the house can’t get them interned unit 21 st.
In one sense I’ve got her home in anther I need her to be at rest can’t explain it really.
Keep talking here we’re not alone
Mick x


I saw him four days before he died he was sedated.
I have not touched any drink since I lost Ray. I am an insomniac and drink does not help me to sleep at all I am getting by on about three hours sleep then getting up to go to work in a primary school and put myself at risk. I have his ashes at home I was not allowed to scatter them at his funeral. He wanted them to be scattered at his football club they are not doing this so at the moment he sits upstairs in the room he lived in for the last couple of years. We were not allowed to have his funeral in our area even though he had a bond the hearse did not come to mine it came straight to the crematorium and we had to meet him there. No mourning car so we were taken by my deputy head and a work friend in their cars. At least there are proper funerals now. That must be a comfort to loved ones. I was not allowed his personal affects either. I am angry about all this but I have to leave this anger as it gets in the way of the grief.

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We at least had 30 allowed at the funeral But because of logistics of Covid and other family issues I wasn’t allowed to travel with hearse so rather than hire a limo just for me I followed her from the house to the crematorium in my car. Still don’t know how I did that ,but then I’ve had to pretty much do everything alone anyway so I guess it was just one more thing in a line crap things I’ve had to do including walking her home from the undertakers office this week.
Today I’ve been getting upset sorting out some small photographs,jewellery,and letters from her daughter who died 8 years ago from cancer. I’m putting these in with her ashes .
The next crap thing to do is to take to the ashes to another undertaker to have her and all the pictures transferred to a nice oak casket out of the rubbish cardboard box they gave me. Apparently it’s a “biodegradable casket” no it’s not it’s bloody cardboard .
Then on the 21st finally two months after she died we can lay her to rest.
Take care
Mick x


I wasn’t even allowed to arrange his funeral register the death etc as we were not married but I lived with him and had two children with him and my youngest had to deal with all the arrangements aged 26 My friend made me a beautiful memory box from solid wood and hand painted and he is in there.
Take care too Deb. x


I was outraged that I couldn’t register the death, arrange the funeral etc because of a lack of that piece of paper. 39 nearly 40 years with my man counts for nothing. But if I was married even just one week I could have the law is an ass.

Sorry for your loss Its not easy is it
I lost my partner in june then october was daughters birthday mine was novemeber then christmas
He was in hosp when it was velentines day his birthday mothers day and then wnt back in fathers day so we didnt spend any birthdays or impprtant dates together at all last year :pensive:

Hi. Debbie55
I received Christmas card from some friends and his family "Merry Christmas ". I thoughg how they are telling me that. Then i thought i should try to keep up the spirit.

So I thought to put xmas decorations out but i couldn’t the happy feeling of Christmas was not in my heart

First Christmas decorations done by only me, i couldn’t face it, so put the boxes back i folded the xmas cards.

I go out to the park walk, walk, walk then my heart is embrace with sadness while i am walking home.

Home the safe place where we enjoy our space with oh no the first days, first weeks now the first months alone feeling lost without the person that is part of us in spirit and body.
I am thinking exactly the same "why was he taken " our marriage was good, after rought couple years we just were getting a better then suddenly cancer hit us… why, why, why.
The first time alone facing the hardest time of my life.

Take care xx

Why couldnt you do this? I was with my partner for 15 years when he passed away not married not engaged and had a daughter together and i dealt with everything were you his next of kin? I was my partners
The only thing i couldnt get was bereavement allowance which is wrong its not like we were together for a couple of years 15 we were together and i couldnt claim.it because we werent married what difference does it make? X

Fg15 I was his next of kin to the hospital but because Ray had dementia and hadn’t named me we were going to court to get the P O A when he died. Ray did not leave a will and all his money went to his three children.

Oh i am sorry how sad x

Thank you Fg15.