I have recently lost my husband of nearly 50 years.

My husband died of cancer in Jun of this year. We had been married nearly 50 years. I thought I was coping but seem to be feeling more overwhelmed with missing him in the last few weeks. My 3 daughters have been very loving and supporting and have offered many distractions in the long summer holidays. They are teachers and are now back at work. They are all missing their Dad deeply still too. Its not that Im lonely for company although distractions help me not to think about my loss. Its when I am finally on my own that the thought of spending the rest of my life without him is so painful. I am hoping that time will make the pain ease. I am not one to talk much about my feelings. Just expressing them here helps a bit. I get tired of bussying myself to stop myself dwelling on my loss. Is this what others do? Henrietta

Hi
My wife of 25 years died on the 2nd of July.
I am so sorry for your loss and I feel the same at the end of the day the longing and loneliness is unbearable

William

Hello William, Thank-you for your response. I’m sorry for the sadness you are feeling.
It is very hard to believe I wont be able to share the big and little things in my day with him and that I cant give and receive his hugs. He was a noisy presence with a big laugh. Its very quiet in the house now. He coped with all his cancer treatments with such good humour and bravery. There was so much hope given for a full recovery . The oncologist was as shocked as we were when it got into his spine and very quickly claimed his life. He was so active and pain free up until the back pain started.
I feel loss and self pity in equal measure.
Please share your pain if it helps Willaim. I dont know if it is the same for you but I feel I dont want to burden my loving daughters with my pain when they have their own grief to deal with
Henrietta

Hello Henrietta and William - my condolences to both of you. 8 weeks ago my husband of just over 50 years, who had battled stoically through a disabling neurological condition, died from untreatable cancer within only 4 months of being diagnosed. I too am devastated and feel terribly lonely even though our son lives and works at home and is very supportive. I try, unsuccessfully, to avoid burdening him with my grief but our daughter lives and works as a university lecturer 150 miles away. She has been home only once for 2 nights since the funeral and it is making my grief so much worse to bear.

I lost my husband in June to cancer. Like you I have good family but I feel so alone
I can’t think if I will ever get over it we had been together 46yrs I feel like my life has been taken away xxxx

Dear Heniretta,
My feelings mirror yours. I lost my husband in July this year.We were married for al.ost 48 years. and my life now revolves around distractions. Without them I can’t cope. I try to keep busy. Seek out company, Afterwards being alone is inevitable. Then I feel desperately lonely and remember that I have to be without him forever. He’s not comimg back. I dont think the cryimg will ever stop. Im a changed person and life will never be the same. I just have to carry on somehow until it’s time for us to be together again
Take care,
Sandy

Hi everyone on this thread
I lost my husband of nearly 40 years very suddenly last March. I went back to work within a fortnight to try to cope but only now feel that I’m grieving.
Henrietta and William I feel your pain. Nothing can replace your loved one. It’s the anger that really overwhelms me. I’m so angry that my husband is not here to enjoy his retirement. We worked so hard to be able to spend our old age together happily and we can’t because he’s not here. I’m so very sad that he didn’t get the opportunity to relax and enjoy life.

Henrietta you have described exactly my own experience and my heart goes out to you.I lost my husband 1 year ago to cancer. I am still experiencing the same things I did 1 year ago. The shock has worn off a little but I still feel as if I’m pulling myself through a fog. I, like you, exhaust myself keeping busy. Just passing the time really. It’s not life as we would like it but it’s the life we have. Like you, we had nearly 50 years together, which is quite an achievement. When I think how long it took me to adjust to married life, I think it will take a long time to adjust to not married life. Life changes all the time.I can’t control it. I will go with it and see what happens to me. I don’t break down and cry as much. I just feel sad. Be kind to yourself.

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Hello Suelei, Thank-you for your message. I know in time I will/must get used to this new sad without-him state. But it is hard isnt it? After all this time together with its ups and downs your lives become entwined. As he would say - ‘we are a team’
My days are purposefully busy but it is when I get home or on a quiet weekend day that the missing tears start and a life without him seems too hard to bear.
As you say Suelei, It will probably take a while to adjust.
I am very lucky to have 3 loving daughters living close by for lots of time together and mutual comfort and hugs.Involvement with the grandchildren is a great distraction too. Although not a naturally very huggy person, I have found that I quite like hugs at this time. I looked up hugs online and found that research has shown that good hugs lower stress levels and blood pressure too!
So hoping you get lots of hugs too!

Dear Sandra, That is when my lovely husband died and since then I have gradually felt more lonely each day as I realise more and more things that I will never be able to do without him by my side. We did everything together for over 50 years and I am lost without him. Will this pain never end? I seem to be constantly crying, day and night and don’t have the energy or desire to do anything or go anywhere on my own. Menessie

Hi Menessie We too were together for 50 years. Would have been married for 48 on tuesday. I haven’t ventured out on my own. I don’t want to,we did everything and went everywhere together. The days seem to get harder, each day something comes up that we did together .I’ve had to learn to do a lot of stuff that he took care of,although the last few months he couldn’t do anything much at all. He was my big strong man ,until the cancer took hold. I cry every day and night, I miss him dreadfully. And long for the day when I’ll see him again,
Take care,
Sandy

I know exactly what you are going through. Tonight I wrote a birthday card to my brother-in-law. It’s the first time in 50 years that I have written a card with just my name on it. Stay strong, especially on Tuesday, I’ll be thinking of you, menessie x

In some small way it helps to read these messages as I don’t feel quite so alone. My husband died in August. We had been married for 46 years and for the last 2 years he had battled bravely against the cruel illness of IPF. Even though I have very supportive children and friends, I feel so alone in my grief. I just miss him so much. Its so hard.

Hi Menessie,
I will have to write a card for my granddaughter next month. That 'll be another first just my name. First time in 49 years. Tomorrow would have been our 48th anniversary. Another special day without him. Im going out for lunch with my daughter. Another day that I wont let go unnoticed. Im sure he’ll be there anyway. I feel so lost without him. Checkig the doors and windows at night was always his job. I hate having to do that alone, i so miss the security of having him here, but I have to carry on, I know we all have the same feelings of loss. At least we can share them here,
Take care,
Sandy

Hi Sandy, I’m glad you can go out with your daughter and remember that special day together. My daughter is 150 miles away and doesn’t come very often (only once since since she went back home the day after the funeral). I also have to go through that nighttime checking that everything is locked up and I hate feeling so vulnerable. It’s very dark in our street since they changed the street lighting to white lights which shine downwards with no light spreading out like before. Just try and feel that the three of you are there tomorrow and try to enjoy the lunch. Take care, Menessie

How did you get on yesterday Sandra? I hope you were OK. Menessie

Hi Menessie,
We went out and had a nice lunch, after I sat down I said my daughter look at the table no it’s 48! That’s the 48 years we were celebrating. I think he led us to that table. Anyway after I got home on .my own things went downhill a bit. I felt angry, he should have been there celebrating with me. I know I should be thankful for all the happy years we had together,but I wanted more., Hope you’re ok,
Kind regards,
Sandy

I think he did Sandra. I’m glad you enjoyed your lunch and I know how you feel as I’ve felt angry too - so cheated when I see couples walking around looking happy. It seems so unfair. Take care and keep in touch, Menessie

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