Hello community.
In September, out of the blue, I had a seizure while out with my wife. Fast forward a couple of months and I have been diagnosed with a particularly aggressive brain cancer (glioblastoma), had brain surgery, started chemo/radiotherapy, and have a prognosis of less than 12 months.
I am 32 y/o and married without children.
My wife has been incredibly supportive, but I am very worried about her. It was a shock for me at first, but I have processed my situation and I am relatively sanguine about it (most of the time anyway). Despite being so strong, my wife is grieving in anticipation and I am devastated for her.
We have had lots of honest conversations, communicate well, allow ourselves to be happy when we can, and sad when we need to be. Neither of us are in denial about the situation.
I honestly donât know how I would cope if the roles were reversed, in fact I know I wouldnât be able to.
Does anyone have any advice for how to support her in those really dark and difficult moments? It is so hard to even know what to say other than acknowledging how difficult it is going to be for her.
Not interested in anything along the lines of âshe needs to be the one supporting youâ, because she does everyday, but she is terrified of life after I die. She is surrounded by great friends and family, but I know Itâs all the small things; like how to fill rainy Sunday afternoon.
Would really appreciate hearing from someone who may have been in my wifeâs shoes.
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Help her to make a plan for the future without you. Her world will turn upside down and no matter how much she suffers anticipatory grief, it will get 100 times worse. Your wife is going to have to create a whole knew life. She will never be the same again. She will suffer PTSD. She will be swamped and overwhelmed with the aftermath.
Start getting things in order. Transfer all funds into her name only. Tell her or write down exactly what you want her to do with your things and be specific. âAll my coats and sweaters go to the homeless shelterâ, etc. Purge your own junk so she doesnât have to have to make decisions on and haul junk away. It is really hard for me as a widow, to still be in the purge mode after a almost 16 months. A lot of the stuff was just useless junk. Do what can be done to limit the transactions that will have to be made. Make a will and be specific on what you want done with your estate. Also, make your choice of funeral known.
Help her make a plan.
Let her know that you know she loves you and that you will always love her and how blessed you were to spend this time together.
âI wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but am honored you spent the rest of yours with me.â
It will take her a solid year before her mind will start functioning again. Let her know. It is grief.
Much love to you and your wife from across the pond.
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Hi Amadues,
Like Peaches says if you can get stuff in just your wife name. The amount of paperwork and stuff you have to do is silly,when you are struggling in grief.
Iâm sorry what you are going through. If you are strong enough and I hate saying this sort out your funeral, sorry.
I looked after my wife, Sue only lasted 91/2 weeks from when she was diagnosed. I was looking after her before then. We werenât told it was terminal, so we had hope. I think we knew. We didnât sort anything out. From a personal perspective, you have to try and be patient with each other, you will both have good days and bad you are human. Tell each other you love them, hold hands just the little things, which mean so much.
Nothing prepares you for what happens. You are a good husband caring about your wife. I think some hospices, let people see counsellors to prepare.
All I can say is just be there for each other.
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Hello, I agree with the others, get all monies & utilities into your wifeâs name, any life insurance contact the provider to let them know situation & what does your wife has to do & finally just a personal thing that you could think about doing? A letter for your wife to read when your gone, Christmas & birthday cards for the coming years, totally up to you just something as a wife Iâve found extremely comforting.
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@Amadeus
Speaking as a wife whose husband had terminal cancer albeit my time with him was very short from diagnosis to passing just 4 weeks. There are the practical things mostly obvious. Emotionally the best thing my husband did for me was to acknowledge how emotionally hard it was going to be as the one left behind. He told me how much he loved me and would always love me but he also said to me I know you will always love me but that does not mean your heart doesnât have the capacity to move on and love another and if thats the case thats ok im happy with that. He told me that he knew I would grieve but he didnt want it to consume me he wanted me to be able to live my life for the both of us.
Those words 2yrs on have meant everything toe I am trying to rebuild a life again and im doing it in the knowledge that this is exactly what aandeww wanted and everything I do now is because andrew wanted me to.
I really hope this rambling makes sense and helps you in some small way
Take care michelle
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