I just can't bare the pain

Coping with bereavement
#1

Perhaps it is too soon to be posting here because I lost my wife who had been my soul mate for the last 27 years on Saturday. I find my self continuously crying and have even been screaming in anguish

In some ways it was not entirely unexpected. My wife had been seriously ill for several years. Fighting a losing battle with her demons that were the result of a traumatic childhood BUT a month ago she turned her life around. For the first time in many years see strated to see a bright future and she had become stronger and mobile after a year of being essentially house bound. Each day she had a fresh smile that I had not seen for along time.

I still work and had to go away on a two week business trip. Each night we had a lovely phone call about the progress she had made each day but on the evening before my flight home she was complaining of a very sore throat.

The following day at the airport I tried to call her to tell her that my flight was on time but there was no pickup. I was a little concerned but assumed she was asleep because would sometimes go into a very deep sleep.

When I got home there was a police care waiting for me outside my house as well as my son’s car. He had come home to surprise her the day before and found her having passed away in bed.

Perhaps that was too much information but the guilt of going away is tearing me apart. I feel that if I had been there I might have noticed something and been able to get help as I had done a number of times in the past 2 years. I could have cancelled the business trip but she looked so well before I went and she assured me that she would be OK.

I just cannot see how I can ever get over this. To make matters worse I suspect that she passed away while I was at a farewell party some of my colleagues in Houston had arranged for me to celebrate a successful trip. I feel so much that I have let her down. She should not have been alone at the end even if nothing could have been done

#2

Hi Trevour im very sorry for your loss .Its never too soon to post on here .Yes your nightmare has just started but there are people on here that understand your emotional turmoil.This wonderful club never closes and no post on here by anyone is trivial or stupid.Maybe a visit to your gp (i went to mine the same day my darling wife passed).It helped and still helps me to visit this wonderful club .Dont be a stranger (im 57 wife darling wife passed 04032016 on her 41st birthday )Colin

#3

Hi Trevor. I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife. My thoughts are with you. As Colin says, it is never too soon to post on this site. I have found it invaluable and has helped me feel less cut off and isolated as everyone on here is in the same boat and you can post your own feelings and respond to others. We can share things and no one will judge you and everyone understands and supports each other. I have also picked up tips and advice and help techniques - even how to respond when people asks you certain things such as “how are you”? I was feeling agitated by this and wanted to lose my temper and say “how the hell do you think I feel” but someone said they just say “surviving” which I thought was brilliant and I now use it all the time and find it works. Guilt is one of the emotions that is a common occurrence on this awful bereavement path so you are not alone in that. However, hopefully in time or by discussing it with a counsellor or GP or friends or family, you will focus more on the fact that your wife had some happy time before she died and even though you were away (which you couldn’t help as it was because of work), you talked on the phone and she was so positive. Remember the lovely smile she had on her face and keep it in your heart and thoughts. You didn’t know she was going to die. If you had of known of course you would have cancelled your business trip but you didn’t know. She wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up about it. She would want you to remember the happy times and the love and the special and wonderful memories you shared. I know all of that seems hard at the moment as it is so new, fresh and raw for you. My partner died on 13th July and am battling with this awful bereavement and grieving stuff which is like being on a roller coaster and you want to get off but you can’t. It is no easy ride and a ride I wish I wasn’t taking. Keep posting and am thinking of you. Take care. Best wishes from Karen

#4

Hi trevor
I am very sorry for your loss and your feelings of despair, sadness and grief are all what you will be feeling right now. I lost my partner julie 3 months ago and still have days feeling as you do but the rawness and intensity has reduced and although now it wont seem like it your feelings will slowly become less over time. You will never get over her loss but we all have to try and live with the knowledge our loved ones have now passed. I do not say this lightly because i and all of us on here know the pain you are feeling. I felt like a knife was stabbing me inside and just cried endlessly. I feel so frightened of the future and hate this new life i have to try and create because i just dont want it.
Please see your doctor may offer medication to help you get through tablets to help sleep for while. I didnt sleep or eat for first few weeks which again is ‘normal’. I use this site to off load and it can be done anytime day or night. I also attend bereavement support group which helps me to be with people who have suffered loss and just ‘get it’.
You have to be selfish and try and look after you and do what you want to do,go where you want to go and be with those you want to be with. Hope you have family and friends around please talk to them and share how you feel.
Dont feel guilty you could not have predicted her passing and she would not want you to feel this way. We all have thoughts of "if i had done this, if i had said this… but we are suffering enough pain without torturing ourselves over what if’s.
My thoughts are with you
Carol x

#5

Thanks for the messages of support. I would like to reply to you all individually but at the moment this is just too much.

Today has been a day of mixed emotions. The Home Line response unit was collected today. Julie who collected it was wonderful and took the time to listen to me pouring out my feelings, but seeing the unit driven away tore another hole in my heart as yet a another piece of Peggy’s life disappeared.

The never ending postal deliveries of new clothes and things for Christmas is killing me. Her illness had made Peggy loose some pride in her appearance because she never went out, but her new found optimism and apparent improvements in health has changed all that. Each day beautiful new clothes are arriving at our front door that she was intending to wear for the new outings that we would have together now that she had become mobile again. The paperwork and repackaging these items to return them is beyond words. The same for all the Christmas goods. Some that were obviously gifts for my son and I we will keep because it would be what she wanted, but the others have to go back as well

I suppose there was one good event today. Because Peggy has passed away at home and her GP was refusing to sign the death certificate the coroner has phoned a few days ago to say that legally there had to be a post mortem. To us this was horrifying, Peggy would never have wanted this and she should be left to rest in peace. The coroner was however a true gem and understood our feeling, he spent many hours contacting the hospital where Peggy had spent much time during the past 2 years and the wonderful consultant who had helped Peggy so much agreed to overrule the GP and write the certificate for us. We can never thank him enough.

I am comforted by the presence of my 2 German Shepherd dogs. Some people say that animals do not have souls, but regardless of this they have a true emotional bond with those that they love. They are grieving as well, but at least we have each other.

So far I have had one session with a counselor and been prescribed some pills by the doctor. So far the pills have had no effect at all, sleep appears now to be a thing of the past. The counseling session helped at the time but an hour later I was blubbering again.

I suppose I’m not sure what the forum is for. Should I just questions or can I just pour out my feelings. Over the past years I devoted my entire life to caring for Peggy and have lost touch with so many friends so there is no one local to talk to and with my son having to return to university for his final year yesterday, I am rattling around what now appears to be a stupidly large house on my own. Everywhere I turn I see memories of Peggy. I look through each open door hoping that this is just a bad dream and will see here there with a smile for me

#6

Hi Trevour this forum is what ever you want it to be .Ask questions poor your heart on here send private messages (i do at times ) also contact Priscilla if you wish she always replies I at times 18 months on still look for Denise .Colin

#7

You are still in shock Trevor. You will all sorts of emotions: guilt, sadness, anger, depression, hopelessness and some glimmers of hope.

My DH passed away suddenly & unexpectedly in front of me in May. Since that time I wondered whether I’d missed some vital signs that things weren’t going well. He was more tired, had and an unexplained hoarseness. I also found an abnormal cardiogram in his health file, which I didn’t know about.

But, we will always feel if only. There is nothing we can do about it. It was her time and at least you spoke to her and she was turning the corner in her ill health.

I’ve got friends who have husbands with so many more health problems and they are still alive and kicking. And and ask why ?

My DH had a premonition dream 2 days before he passed. He told me in his dream it was said to him that he had to leave me to look after himself as I did too much for him. It was only after his sudden passing that it all made sense. So maybe things are fated to happen?

It’s very early days for you and the grief is so raw. Be kind to yourself and try not to feel you could have done more.

#8

It’s been just over three years since the unexpected and sudden loss of my soulmate. Even now I find it astonishing that people, even people who have know me for years can’t see the mortal catastrophic wound that has been inflicted, “can’t they see the blood pouring from my open, broken heart?” No disrespect to the general folk, they will never see it and I hope they never have to experience it. I have no choice, I have to go on and try to be a good soul and make a positive difference in people’s lives, I know he lives on in me, his thinking, beliefs, mannerisms even, mixed with my own and that gives me great joy. The only way I have made it through these days was to be fortunate to have a childhood friend who is my rock, without her I would have perished. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at 40 and now after a huge battle, numerous surgery, drug trials… and at 52 has terminal cancer. I am blessed to have the love of two inspirational people in my life. Some people never have one.

#9

I hope this does not end up like a diary but it helps to get the events and emotions of the current day out of my system. I wish I could sleep but nothing helps.I live so far from friends that only the company of my dogs and bearing my soul here keeps me going. My son has had to return to university today so the house is so empty. We phoned each other for well over an hour but as soon as we stopped I broke down again

Today I registered the death. This in itself turned out to be more than the expected nightmare. There was an official appointment time as is probably normally the case but I have little experience of these things. First my car wouldn’t start because of a flat battery, then there was a major emergency services incident blocking the route. I ended up abandoning my car about a mile from the registry office about 10 minutes before the appointment. For a 57 year old who has not eaten in days getting there in time was a challenge to say the least, but at least I did make it albeit in quite a state.

Then there was the appointment itself. So impersonal. Not a complaint, just the way it was. Also seeing the official cause of death for the first time tore me into a million pieces. It should not have because I knew the underlying medical issues which I had tried unsuccessfully for so many years to help her overcome. But seeing it in black and white for the first time brought back the feelings and recriminations of could I have done more.

When I picked up the original paperwork from the hospital I was told that in a week or so I would be able to talk to her consultant who may be able to give me more details. Possibly something that I do not need but I pray that he can tell me that there was nothing that could have been done even if I had been there. Maybe I am selfish to hope for this but I had managed to save her a number of times over the past couple of years and only wish i had been able to do so again

Today was also the first time I had really had to go through any of Peggy’s things in search of documents that the registrar requested. We all have our little faults and Peggy’s worst was that she was rather messy with paperwork. But not only that she kept absolutely everything, and I am not exaggerating. I’m not putting her down or complaining, some days I found it cute while on others it frustrated me.

I suppose some things should not be shared but when you are together for 27 years then I doubt any relationship would not have its ups and downs. Today I found memories of too many of the downs when I opened one draw in what was the one room of the house that was always her private space. I am sure that she would not have wanted me to see these things but apart from the sadness of the content I also felt that I had violated her private space. I am sure that in the coming days I will find evidence of the happy times that we shared, so that keeps me going. On the bright days she was the most wonderful person in the world and I feel blessed to have shared my life with her.

#10

I am so very sorry for the pain that u are feeling. I want you to know that there are people who understand…they may not feel the level of loss that you do, but they, including myself, understand how a person can be your whole world for so long and then there’s nothin

#11

Another day and another set of emotions or perhaps just the same ones with a different flavour. I just dont know. Maybe just different because of the prescription medication from my GP which does control the worst of the sudden losses of control.

Made one mistake in going out today. Shopping at ALDI. Peggy was German so we often shopped there because of some of here favourites. In time I hope to get over this but for now I need to find an alternative. Not one of the majors though, which I will not name, who I believe made a major contribution to Peggy’s passing. Not a subject to discuss here though.

But in general getting out helps. My job means that I spent about if a quarter of my time in the US so sadly now my dogs will have to spend some time in kennels but today I found a truly nice one. Maybe I’m not being fair and should find them new homes but we are all devoted to each other and I feel that would break all our hearts even more. For all their lives they have been my constant shadow.

The biggest problem I faced with going out is the never ending how are you questions. Since I have to drive I can’t take the medication beforehand so it is quite a strain on self control. It feels impolite to ignore them and I had a strict upbringing that makes it difficult for me to lie. People are generally very kind though if the trees well up. So much for being a strong professional man

And today technology has let me down. 4 week old new phone no long connects to any network. And it is this number that I have given to everyone involved in the funeral arrangements. I feel a major explosion coming on at the shop where I got it tomorrow. I live in hope that this will be a stress buster. Sometimes I feel a need to scream at someone other than a brick wall.

#12

Hi trevor
It is 3 months since my partner passed away and i still struggle going to local shops. I used to travel 20 miles to shop so i wouldnt see anyone thought this was ridiculous at the time but its very common. If i went out i took my son with me so i was not on my own. I dreaded see anyone i knew and still some days cant face going out. I also did online order to save going out sometimes.
Maybe you could consider online and go to shops further away it is a very small tjing but can prevent the anxiety of seeing people when you dont want to.
I was left with 2 dogs and thought of re homing but i could not face anymore loss and they have helped me and are still doing so. A friend gave me some advice and told me not to make any big decisions in the first year which i am following because my decision making skills are iratic or non existent. I cant believe i considered moving house at one point which would have been crazy at this time.
I am glad you have decided about the rings well done no decision is easy at the moment for you to make always go with your gut instinct which usually is the right thing to do.
Thoughts with you and everyone on this site hate sunday mornings was our time to have cuppa in bed and plan the day just have to get up now usually in tears to start another day
Carol x

#13

The roller coaster continues. At least the expected argument with my phone provider was not required. It appears some big corporations do have a heart after all. Perhaps strangely I feel calmer when dealing with all the arrangements and paperwork. One hiccup, the solicitor holding our wills can find mine but not my wife’s. Hoping this does not cause any problems. Trying to start sorting out financial issues so soon feels wrong but it is sort of cathartic.

Shopping continues to be an issue. Seeing shopping trollies loaded with wine makes me break into a sweat. Online shopping just isn’t an option because I see them as enablers of so much pain. Hopefully the councilor I will be seeing in just over a week can help. I know it is early but in some ways I need to let it all out to someone face to face

#14

Hi Trevor. I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s unfair that the people we love and care about the most leave when it’s too soon and becomes painfully difficult for us, who are left behind, to cope with. Death of a loved one is never easy and never will be. I’m sure your wife was a strong and loving woman, of course I don’t know that personally, but the fact that she stayed, despite her childhood trauma and kept on progressing and fighting her demons, speaks volumes. I don’t think she would’ve wanted you to blame yourself at all. I know that’s probably something so many people have told you too. The difficult truth is that no matter how many times you go back and recycle the fact that you weren’t there, or that you quite possibly were at a farewell party during her time of death, it’ll just create more guilt and pain and ultimately won’t change the situation. I hope I don’t sound too cruel, as I can understand what you’re going through, this is a hugely sensitive topic and the last thing I’d want to do is upset you further. Some of your pain is relatable, as a family member of mine was battling his demons too, but couldn’t win the fight and I constantly wish I had gone back to make time and be there for him; take care of him and not take anything for granted. But I can’t and it does still hurt.

The biggest thing I want to make clear to you is that you are not alone. You have not only this community here for you, but you have your family and friends. Always. Secondly, grieve as much as you need to. Don’t hold it in; cry it out, scream it out, talk about it, but don’t hold it in, that’s the worst thing you can do for yourself; otherwise it will grow bigger and become harder to deal with. Put your thoughts down on paper, get out of the house and get fresh air, staying in/ hiding constantly may deepen your pain. Counselling has always been a route that I’ve bounced back and forth from, but it helps so much. Talking to someone who just wants to listen helps the mind. Eat and sleep is key too, you may not want to, or feel as though you can’t, but you still need to care of your body. Lastly, never rush this process. Her death has come about so soon and so unexpectedly; no one is expecting you to stand up suddenly and claim you’re fine, no matter if its weeks, months or years after this has happened. You need time to put yourself together and start to live properly again. I know its hard because you have to be there for both yourself and your son, but by wanting to get through this, you will. This pain will not go away, but will become more manageable and less heartbreaking in the future, trust me. I wish you well for the future.

#15

i know how you feel my husband passed away 5 weeks ago, the guilt i feel is eating me away, he was on his own, i found him in bed, the daily grind of getting up is torturing , i have to force myself to get up for my kids, i would rather stay in bed all day , i miss the conversation and jokes we used to have, going to sleep takes the pain away for a while then you have to do it all over again, you can be in a room full of people and be very lonely, i dont think the pain ever goes away, we have got to learn to live along side it, my husband was 46 and has left me and 2 beautiful kids behind i dont know how to cope ,there should be a group for us where we can meet up and chat to others who are struggling, i feel if i keep talking to my friends they will get bored of hearing how sad i am

#16

Tomorrow is the funeral. Words cannot convey how much I am dreading it. Some have said that it will provide the first stage of closure, the end of the hope that this has been nothing more than a bad dream. I still wake every morning expecting to either find Peggy glued to some really terrible early morning TV program or maybe shouting at me to get up to go to work because I have never been good at starting the day. But as I reflect on the 4 weeks or before she passed I remember having a strange dream every night in which my wedding ring disappeared from my ring finger. I often woke up in state of panic.

I will also be reading a poem at the ceremony tomorrow. I only hope I can get through it. I have to be strong to say farewell to my beloved Peggy but this may be a step too far.

She will be buried at a beautiful woodland site. Still relatively new but in future years as the tree mature I believe that it will be stunning in its own right, although the views over the Oxfordshire countryside are themselves beautiful. Each year there is a new tree planting ceremony. Our/her beloved dogs will also be welcome to visit in the future so at least I know in my heart that this is the right place for her.

I thought I had cried myself out. How wrong as was. Panic set in that I had given friends the wrong time and date (which I hadn’t) and must have poured over emails and messages 100’s of times checking time and time and time again. I have nightmares about being the only person there, although that is ridiculous because my son is driving down from University as I type this. I worry so much about him. He had being doing so well and both Peggy and I are so proud of him, but he admits he is now struggling to keep up. At least his tutor has assured him that they will take into account impaired performance. He saw a Councillor today who he has told me was rather shocked by the full story of his mum’s decline. I can only hope that she can help him and I also hope that the one I see next week can help me.

Then decided that the black trousers I had didn’t match well enough the black jacket I bought specifically for the funeral so rushed out to buy the matching trousers. Broke down into a complete mess at the shop when chatty shop assistant asked the wrong question (not her fault)

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