Dear Anna, these words, they are from people just like us, grieving, suffering lost, but surviving We are all survivors or we would not be talking things out .It may not feel like it now, but it WILL get better.
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@Annaessex so sorry you are having a bad day. Life really is unfair sometimes. I can’t offer any words of help. All I can say is we are all here to support & help each other through this awful time. My inbox is always open if you need to chat. Try to be kind to yourself. The practical jobs can wait. Sending hugs
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Hi Anna
Already you are thinking about the garden and its a good idea to get someone in if you can’t cope yourself. There are also cleaning companies who can help with the housework or even the car cleaning. I have perfectly able bodied friends who have cleaning companies to do some housework. Have you tried Age UK they might be able to help or advise. They rang me after my husband died and asked me if I wanted help to get out of bed. I was having two ton of horse Muck delivered to my allotment that day and told them that someone with a barrow would be nice. It at least made me smile and them laugh. Taking some control might well help you a little. Good luck.
P xx
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I love the feeling that we are all supporting each other. This is a good use of the internet, and Sue Ryder is a great avenue for virtually life-saving comfort and caring.
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There is another day. I know that my love would want me to think of her with love. I will always miss her and would still do anything for her if I could. I want to honour her by trying to be stronger than these terrible thoughts of unhappiness. Hope is the real message. You have a life in which to be the person your love would have wanted you to be. You have a guide. It’s called a conscience. You know you were not made to waste the precious gift of life. A life to use to mourn and be good to yourself, and try and find a new routine. You are never alone.
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@Ashuerus
Thank you for the lovely posts.
You have given hope in a nice gentle and positive way. I love what you say about honouring your lovely wife by being stronger than the unhappiness.
Your words are wise and encouraging. Thank you again xx
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what youthe side are suffering from is deep grief combined with regret, guilt, and a sense of loss that in your case is possibly clinical depression (I am not a doctor, but after my mother died I just wanted to die in my sleeping bag and would have done so had I not been found) you need help,do you have any relatives or close friends?, if so you should be in contact with them, what you are going through is very tough, but we cannot just knock are own bails off just because someone else is out of the batting and back in the pavilion, that is letting down the side and not being a team player,we have to reinvent ourselves and find a new purpose in life, from what you say you have had a wonderful marriage and we have two choses, we can turn to the wall and sulk at the passing of our loved ones, or we can give thanks for what we have had, it is better to have had and to have lost then not to have had at all, in the eulogy to my mother I commended the teachings of st francis of assisi to those who greave and mornewe need, the humility to accept the things we cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference, it is only then the healing process can begin, the best way you can honour your late husband is to carry on and to make a success of your life, that takes courage, faith, and hard graft, but that is what you must do, I recommend the book ‘you are not alone’ by Cariad Lloyd, the creator and host of Griefcast, try not to stay isolated, you should seek help, know is NOT the time to push your friends away, only you know how you feel, but grief combined with isolation can be a killer(I know, I live alone) see if you can join a club or develop a new interest, if you have depression then you need help, perhaps talking to an adviser from age uk or silver line might help, may God guide you at this time to a happy place.
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So very happy to be allowed to give you a little of my ‘take’ on these terrible situations. I would love you to tap into that strength we all have in us and sometimes fear to admit to themselves. If I am providing a little wisdom, I honestly don’t know where it has come from. I must leave the window open more often! Delighted if you are a wee bit better. Love and encouragement always.
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I believe in the power of prayer and your gentle words of support are also like that to me. I am a convert to Catholicism and took the name of St Francis. He believed in the sanctity of all life and facing up to those truths which can only be seen in the light of God. I will treasure your gentle kindness. Thank you. Edward.
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Love your words and picture! Despite the deep loss I have and feel. I need to live and honour my other half and live a life he can’t.
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I am so honoured by the thought that you might ‘step out of yourself’ a little and look at grieving you and realise that standing beside you is the love and light of your dear one. I feel for you so very much and know that God will take away the sharp pain and replace it with sorrow, leaving you able to begin to adapt to new realities, not forget, give a different kind of life to memory, for both of you. You are never alone.
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Thank you for your lovely message. If I am helping you in any way I am glad. It is one thing advising and talking to others. It is another being positive yourself. I have hit a ‘down’ spot and don’t like myself today. I don’t know what the trigger is and I suspect it’s more of a chemical thing, but nonetheless real for that. I find intrusive thoughts which make me feel I failed my wife is some way keep coming to me today. It just helps to try and admit it to someone. I know that my feelings of guilt are probably not true but In feel the pain because of that. I must try and follow my own advice. Its like being attacked and I cant fight back. Sorry to be on a downer. I should be helping you.
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No no you must share as well its fine ! We all get like that xxx
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My thought go out to you…
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@Ashuerus
We can support you to, it goes both ways. It’s a common theme that we feel that we let them down or didn’t do enough, failed them. It’s quite a common theme in our grief and a normal response that people have mentioned in other posts.
I don’t know your circumstances but would assume if you hurt this much, you loved this much and therefore would not have done anything intentionally to fail your partner. I’m sure you spent most of your relationship looking after her and protecting her.
A counsellor told me that when dark thoughts come in, just focus on the facts, the facts of what you know to be true. Don’t try and create something or a situation that didn’t exist, as our minds can play some awful tricks on us when it wants to.
I hope tomorrow is a better day.
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Thanks so much. I would have stood up to a regiment of soldiers for dear Mary, and she knew that. I remember saying I would always be there for her and she replied that that was wonderful. I thinks it’s the feeling of helpless now she is gone. I just want to give her a big hug and hold her because I know she was frightened, bless her. I was determined she would remain at home and we would be together. There nothing wrong on my conscience that’s awful, but I think it’s the guilty feeling that comes from feeling I am here and she is not. I will always love the wee soul. We were together for a reason. I suffered a cardiac arrest fourteen years ago and was flatlined for 5 minutes. I have always felt I was sent back to care for her. There were behavioural problems in the early stages of her dementia before she was properly diagnosed, but I didn’t mind being ‘demonised,’ and I knew she was I’ll when the rest of the family were in denial. That bit was very hard, but we got over it, I was thicker skinned although I should probably have had a haircut. In writing this to you I feel that I was blessed and privileged to be able to be here and have the health to look after her, my pet. I feel lots better now and have probably succeeded in making you feel worse. I hope not. You sound strong. We have to and after a while bad times become a memory of bad times, and lose their power. I hope you are ok dear person and I pray that you have the peace of being reconciled to things a bit and continue to love as I believe you still are. There is nothing greater than love. Edward.
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@Ashuerus
Thank you. You have not made me worse. Thank you for your prayers, I hope they help me. Yes I loved and was loved back. Love is a power in itself.
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By realising what you have said about love tells me you have started your journey towards recovery and healing, you will come through this if you hold your nerve and be leave in your self, there will be dark days ahead, I have been through it my self, only you know how you really feel and we never get over a deep, life changing bereavement but we do get used to it and I promise you if you cultivate good company and have a positive outlook things will improve, take up a new hobby, power lifting or para gliding if it floats your boat and don’t feel guilty about having a good time, read ‘you are not alone’ by Cariad Lloyd, she knows all about it, you have been loved and you may find love again
when you are ready for it, be brave, I am thinking off you.
Tim
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@tim007
Thank you. Such a positive message. My positivity has wained this week and it’s been hard but I will rise above it again. Sorry for your losses. Life can certainly be cruel xx
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Its nice to be appreciated, I hope I am making a difference, we have all suffered terrible loss but the parts are grater then the sum and together we can rise above it, enjoy your weekend and get out if the weather is nice.
Tim
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