Today I thought it would be a better day, but here I am sitting on our couch, crying and wondering what happened to us. My husband is gone and with him my life, and I am on my own and I just do not want to go on anymore. Why am I still here? I am not myself, living on tablets, cannot sleep properly, and do not want to go for a walk in the sunshine (it makes everything worse). I do not want to see anyone because I am starting to get detached from everything and everyone. The senseless question of ‘How are you?’ go on my nerves. I just want to scream and I want that the pain just goes away and my husband is back with me. I know it will never happen because he is upstairs in his urn. I am a mess, the house is a mess (dust everywhere) and the garden is a mess. Even his cherished car in front of the house is dusty ( I do not drive) and I think the battery is flat. I fail him because I lost all hope and feel just sorry for myself. A few days ago I wanted to file a few papers and found our wedding photos and had a breakdown again. I have his photos everywhere and when I look at them and see how happy he was and always laughing it breaks my heart. I only hope that where ever he is now that he is at peace, without pain and hopefully waiting for me. Sorry for the long story.
Never apologize for sharing your story, that’s the point of this forum. You’re also entitled to feel shit. You have lost everything.
But you’re here. You’ve been thrown on this path for a reason and that will only become clear when you walk it.
There are times when we wish we could reach in and pick you up and help you but that’s the tricky part, we only have words and right now you probably feel they are useless.
Have you any family that could help, help tidy the house and garden so that you don’t feel so bad?
It is hard when you feel you have no one and unfortunately sometimes we only have ourselves to help us.
If everything is getting on top of you, right a list and tackle something every day. That will keep you occupied and help time pass quicker.
Sorry, I’m probably not helping much but for someone who is further on than you, it does get easier on this unknown path we tread.
I know its so damn tough isnt it ? I been by myself all weekend ! Ive got 3 kids and have they even rung me ? No they haven’t cos they don’t give a bloody monkeys ! One daughter has text but the other two ! Huh!! Tbh i would like to whack pair of em !!! I was always there when they were younger and where are they when i need help ! Their father would turn in his grave if he knew but hes not here is he 
and cant do anything about it xxx
Hello Annaessex
I was reading your post and felt so sad for you. I then moved on to doing something else but couldn’t get you out of my mind.
You seem to be overwhelmed with everything and it’s too much for you to take in. I called it a brain overload.
I know at this stage there is little I can say to help you and probably just as little you want to hear. After all what do I know about how you are feeling.
I do admit that I agree wholeheartedly with Ali and having the courage to make a start on all those things that are causing you so much distress will be helpful towards healing. A list is a great idea, I certainly did one and I wrote down everything I had done in a day just to prove to myself I could do it. If you can get help and support then all the better but if not then take it slowly and one day at a time and I can assure you it will help your present mood.
I have always said that through this terrible journey there is only ourselves that can be of real help. Above all don’t look to the future or at the past just cope with each day so that you don’t become too overwhelmed. Such a pity you don’t want to go for a walk as I found this to be very beneficial when at my lowest. I still do. When people say how are you then try to remember they are being kind.
Pat
xx
I also feel very down today…the small things just set it iff. Sandies favourite telly show was Springwatch…new series starts tonight and there was a preview on BBC breakfast…set me off big time …day down hill from there…lots of love going your way 
@Annaessex don’t be too hard on yourself. That’s what I try and tell myself. Some days I can get motivated to do stuff that needs doing. Other day’s I struggle putting one foot in front of the other and get nothing achieved. I used to get annoyed with myself on these days. Before I used to always be on the go, but have learnt to tell myself tomorrow is another day.
You haven’t failed him and you have every right to feel sorry for yourself. You, like the rest of us, you are trying to learn how to cope after having your whole life turned upside down.
Just take each day as it comes. Make a list of jobs if it helps. I just give myself a goal each day. Even if the goal is something small like putting some washing on, and even if it takes me all day to do it. It’s something achieved
Yeh my husband loved springwatch too … ots just one of those triggers isnt it when you reise whst you have lost. God bless you and your lovely poems im gonna take my puppy a walk in this sunshine and c if it helps my mood xxx
Hi Anna I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know how you feel as lost my husband suddenly and like you found out that he was very ill. The shock of the sudden death and finding out your husband was so ill is horrendous. We didn’t get closure or was prepared for this awful new life. I am thinking of you my lovely and sending big hugs. Hopefully in time things will get easier xx
My dear you,
I thought for a moment I had written your words so similar are they to my feelings when I first lost my wife. Pay no attention to those whom tell you to be strong, but BE strong. Take a day at a time. Slowly a little routine will come back. I hope you are on anti-depressants under the management of a doctor. The best thing possible is to talk and that is what we are doing.
I felt I had no reason for living when I lost my dear wife three months ago. Prayer helps, don’t be so hard on yourself. I hear grief/guilt in what you say. You are not alone. You are being human because you had and still have love. Your dear husband would not want you to be so unhappy. It will be some time before you can call yourself ‘happy,’ but for now, leave guilt, shame aside, concentrate on the wonderful you. He made you and still does. Try to remember him through things and not let them ‘set you off.’ Then pain can be very grave. If you have a meltdown, there will be a time when when you can say THAT is when I started to to get better 'You That is called a turning point. Mark it in your diary. That helps you heal. You are healing now, but don’t know it yet. Ask a question and you will find you already know then answer. That is prayer. I feel for your misery but it is to honour him that you must go on. Wash his bloody car. A passing doggie might say hello. With lots of love and encouragement. You WILL get better you know. Edward. You are never alone. I can recommend the grief talks by Jo McRoberts on u tube. They have helped me a lot.
Dear Ali29, thank you for your kind words. I am on my own. His father is 98 and very fragile and his Mum has dementia, they already lost a son years ago. My husband’s children have their own lives and some did not even turn up to his funeral. My friend who lives close by is over 70, not very healthy, and has a disabled husband and son and she has got enough on her plate. I think I will - when all financial things are cleared - get someone in to clear the garden. I think that is the best way as I am not in good health either. Sending lots of love and hugs to everyone.
@Annaessex Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your world has changed forever so stuff the garden. You really loved your husband & it shows. It’s ok to forget about those little things for a while. They don’t matter when you’re grieving. Be kind to yourself, you’re going thru a life changing event where there are no instructions. Warmest regards. X
Dear Anna, these words, they are from people just like us, grieving, suffering lost, but surviving We are all survivors or we would not be talking things out .It may not feel like it now, but it WILL get better.
@Annaessex so sorry you are having a bad day. Life really is unfair sometimes. I can’t offer any words of help. All I can say is we are all here to support & help each other through this awful time. My inbox is always open if you need to chat. Try to be kind to yourself. The practical jobs can wait. Sending hugs
Hi Anna
Already you are thinking about the garden and its a good idea to get someone in if you can’t cope yourself. There are also cleaning companies who can help with the housework or even the car cleaning. I have perfectly able bodied friends who have cleaning companies to do some housework. Have you tried Age UK they might be able to help or advise. They rang me after my husband died and asked me if I wanted help to get out of bed. I was having two ton of horse Muck delivered to my allotment that day and told them that someone with a barrow would be nice. It at least made me smile and them laugh. Taking some control might well help you a little. Good luck.
P xx
I love the feeling that we are all supporting each other. This is a good use of the internet, and Sue Ryder is a great avenue for virtually life-saving comfort and caring.
There is another day. I know that my love would want me to think of her with love. I will always miss her and would still do anything for her if I could. I want to honour her by trying to be stronger than these terrible thoughts of unhappiness. Hope is the real message. You have a life in which to be the person your love would have wanted you to be. You have a guide. It’s called a conscience. You know you were not made to waste the precious gift of life. A life to use to mourn and be good to yourself, and try and find a new routine. You are never alone.
@Ashuerus
Thank you for the lovely posts.
You have given hope in a nice gentle and positive way. I love what you say about honouring your lovely wife by being stronger than the unhappiness.
Your words are wise and encouraging. Thank you again xx
what youthe side are suffering from is deep grief combined with regret, guilt, and a sense of loss that in your case is possibly clinical depression (I am not a doctor, but after my mother died I just wanted to die in my sleeping bag and would have done so had I not been found) you need help,do you have any relatives or close friends?, if so you should be in contact with them, what you are going through is very tough, but we cannot just knock are own bails off just because someone else is out of the batting and back in the pavilion, that is letting down the side and not being a team player,we have to reinvent ourselves and find a new purpose in life, from what you say you have had a wonderful marriage and we have two choses, we can turn to the wall and sulk at the passing of our loved ones, or we can give thanks for what we have had, it is better to have had and to have lost then not to have had at all, in the eulogy to my mother I commended the teachings of st francis of assisi to those who greave and mornewe need, the humility to accept the things we cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference, it is only then the healing process can begin, the best way you can honour your late husband is to carry on and to make a success of your life, that takes courage, faith, and hard graft, but that is what you must do, I recommend the book ‘you are not alone’ by Cariad Lloyd, the creator and host of Griefcast, try not to stay isolated, you should seek help, know is NOT the time to push your friends away, only you know how you feel, but grief combined with isolation can be a killer(I know, I live alone) see if you can join a club or develop a new interest, if you have depression then you need help, perhaps talking to an adviser from age uk or silver line might help, may God guide you at this time to a happy place.
So very happy to be allowed to give you a little of my ‘take’ on these terrible situations. I would love you to tap into that strength we all have in us and sometimes fear to admit to themselves. If I am providing a little wisdom, I honestly don’t know where it has come from. I must leave the window open more often! Delighted if you are a wee bit better. Love and encouragement always.
