In October my estranged husband died of a heroin/fentanyl/ meth overdose 2 months later my youngest son who also was struggling with addiction died. I had moved in with him hoping to help him because he wanted to change his life. He had gotten a job he was trying to get away from the girlfriend who wouldn’t stop the things she was doing. So when I found him in the bathroom at 3:30 in the morning aspirating I couldn’t stop screaming. He couldn’t be revived. We had narcan but it didn’t work. CPR didn’t work. I’ll never unsee his face the way it looked the very last time I was ever allowed to see it. I don’t understand what happened or why it happened. He had a beautiful soul and an even more beautiful heart. He had tried to protect me from knowing how bad things were with his father with his girlfriend and with himself. I’m the mom I was supposed to do the protecting. I relive that night almost every night. I have the heaviest weight in my chest all the time and it’s scarey because I consciously keep my emotions away because even a little hurts beyond my comprehension. It’s unnatural for a parent to lose a child. The whole world feels wrong and i just want to scream at everyone to stop acting like it’s just another day when I feel like time has stopped. Or that it should stop because it’s wrong that he’s not here anymore. I don’t know what to do I feel I’m losing my mind
I am so deeply sorry for your loss and no words can ease the pain you feel right now, please know you are not alone, we lost our Son in tragic circumstances in May 2019 so I am a little further down the path of this most horrendous journey you find yourself on, it is such early days for you but you will get through this with the love you have for your precious son who will remain by your side forever also for your other children who also love you dearly, you did everything you could do but sometimes we just can’t save them, try to look at happy photos of your son and think of the happier times you shared and eventually the other ones will fade, he is part of you and will be in your heart forever please keep posting and also go on the link that says loosing our son aged 27 as there are many moms on there who will help you, take care my friend and be kind to yourself .
love Michelle xxx
Thanks Michelle I appreciate your understanding. I’m also very sorry for your loss as well. And when I say I feel your pain you know I really do. Just as I know you feel mine. I never knew that something could hurt so much and not kill you. That you can still be caring and compassionate feeling this way in all of the unfairness of it speaks of a beautiful soul and I truly hope you have some peace. Thank you again.
I’m so sorry to read your story and for the loss of your lovely boy. I lost my younger son Henry in October 2019, he struggled with his mental health and he too took recreational drugs on top of his prescribed medication.
I feel your pain and all the guilt and the what if’s and why’s. I know how Henry died but I don’t understand it he smoked heroin that night with a friend of his and they both passed out.
When his friend came round Henry wasn’t breathing. The first responders were there four minutes after the call was made and then an ambulance arrived. They worked on Henry for 25 minutes- I find that hard as they clearly felt there was a small chance, but they couldn’t save him. .
Henry had a wonderful heart and soul but he made terrible life choices- he always looked for the good in a person. He was a daredevil too who enjoyed risk. All I can say is he lived the life he chose…he knew he was loved and he’d always had so much support in his life that I can’t quite fathom why he did it. Addiction is a terrible thing.
I’m sure you did your absolute best for your son. Coping with the loss, the way he passed and the shock of it all will have taken its toll on you.
Be kind to yourself and just aim to get through the next hour. I never think too hard these days…it’s my undoing.
The pain is the same but I don’t feel it constantly anymore.
Sending you hugs and love
Thank you for your kind words I’m so sorry that you’re going through this as well. I’m sorry for Henry and I understand the confusion and the wondering about some of their life choices. Heroin is a dangerous and deadly animal and yes I think of it as an evil living thing. How it can make someone do things unnatural to their own survival is an inescapable fact. I don’t think we can ever understand but I do know that I could still see the goodness in Robert’s soul and in his heart. He wanted to be better and I’m still proud of him. As I can feel you are when you speak of your Henry. I also know that that one thing doesn’t define them. I’m tired it’s only been a month but it feels like yesterday and the pain is weighing me down. I couldn’t take time from work or life in general as too many people depend on me. I’m wondering if this feeling like half my soul being ripped out at least becomes bearable it’s becoming harder to function I feel so weighed down. I will say it’s a relief to find some understanding even as I wish that none of us had to experience the loss. I miss him so much.
It’s so early for you - I know you won’t believe it now but it does become manageable. Bad days and waves of pain still come but they are punctuated with calm days.
If you can rest because sleep is elusive then do so…I so wish I could help you.
I’ve taken to meditating using an app called Headspace- my other son recommended it. I can honestly say it’s been amazing for me. I didn’t know anything about meditation so I wasn’t expecting much but it does calm me- at the beginning when I think I had a breakdown- it was the thing I clung to. I used it more than once a day.
This site has been brilliant- so many lovely people who have suffered and are still suffering. We are all here for you.
I believe Henry is free now from the struggles of this earth and I am sure to see him again when it’s my turn. In the meantime I’m so grateful to have had my lovely boy.
Sending love and hugs.
Hi Purple I’ve been looking into the meditation thing and I think I’ll try it. I think I had a breakdown as well. I was sent out of the room when the paramedics came and made to shut my door. I kept trying to come out and being told to shut the door. After 45 minutes of working on him they finally said there wasn’t anything more they could do. I was wondering where the awful tortured animal sounds were coming from they were so loud and then realized it was me. I swear I felt like I was sliding right off the face of the earth. I started screaming at them to make him wake up that he couldn’t be gone. I screamed at him to wake up it was ok that he was playing a horrible joke on me. I screamed at god to take me instead to make him wake up. I wasn’t allowed to see him again even though I tried I was almost restrained because I wouldn’t stop trying to get to him. As I watched him being loaded into the medical examiner’s van I was still screaming for him to wake up before it couldn’t be taken back. It’s all so vivid when the rest of that day and the following days were kind of foggy. Since that first day tho I’ve been trying to keep those emotions in check for fear of never coming out of it. All the while scared because I know that won’t work forever it’s all going to come out eventually. It was on the 20th of December at 3:30 am and now every weekend I wake up at 3:30 am if I’m not already awake. I haven’t spoken about this to anyone but I know you understand and I’m so sorry I’m dumping on you when you’re going through this too. But I’m grateful you’re here
Never apologise. I respond to peoples post’s when I can - they are always gut wrenching and sometimes I can’t find the words. Probably because there aren’t any that convey the understanding we have here for each other.
My god what a terrible time you’ve had…my heart hurts for you. That animal instinct to protect our children stays with us always. I understand the time thing…Henry died early on a Sunday morning and every Sunday I wake and think…another week without him. That used to really trouble me until I realised that each day I’m without him is also another day I’m closer to being reunited with him.
I didn’t see Henry until the day prior to his cremation- over two weeks after he’d left us. Bizarrely I was looking forward to it…to be able to say goodbye to him. when we looked into the coffin it wasn’t my boy lying there…just a shell and it completely broke me and his brother. In life he was such a mischievous character and we half expected him to jump up and say “got you”
You are so early into this Donna so be kind to yourself- please do try the meditation but most importantly keep in touch with us all.
Talking about it, whilst extremely painful brings tears and healing. We will never be the people we were before these tragedies, but we can strive to continue in the time we have left, the time that was denied to our children.
You will gradually begin to have hours when it’s not so hard and that time expands slowly.
I’m sending you love and hugs.
Dear Donna and Purple,
I just wanted to say how moved I was reading your posts Purple you have such a way with words, I sometimes find it hard to open up but your kind words help so much for all of us who read them , you have a special way with words, I too remember when we had a knock at the door we were preparing a late Sunday lunch, I fell too the ground screaming its not true and they were lying, for a long time we couldn’t have a roast on a Sunday but eventually that changes, you still hurt really deeply but are able to live alongside the grief , Donna I feel your pain so deeply and want you to know we are willing you on and letting you know you are not alone take care both much love Michelle xxx
Thank you for your kind and generous words.
I’m in awe of so many people I’ve come into contact with through this site. The bravery that people display - it is amazing and inspiring too.
What’s important to know is we’ve found a way to get where we are now…we all know we won’t ever “get over it” I’ve accepted that, but we can continue our journey as short or as long as it is, carrying our children and the love we will always have for them.
I hope things are peaceful for you today.
Big hugs and love
Michelle I truly hope you know that to be able to talk to people who actually understand is such a gift right now and a relief to know if I’m crazy at least I have company. Not to make light of it but sometimes it’s laugh or cry and I cry a lot and laugh not at all right now. And with so many people not knowing what to say at least here is a place where people do. Purple I hope you’re having a peaceful day Michelle is right you have a wonderful way with words and a beautiful way of seeing things. That is inspiring and something to aspire to. You are brave my friend. Right now I just feel like it’s not being strong when you have no choice and it’s surprising how much a person can suffer and still live. I just love my other kids too much to cause them more pain. I couldn’t save Robert but I can keep them from suffering any more than they are. And I can’t do that to Robert either. It’s out of love for him that I’ll keep trying. But I’m so glad I’ve had you to talk with. Thank you both. Biggest hugs Donna
Purple it is a blessing for all that you answer us on this site and offer words of comfort and let others know there is light at the end of the tunnel God bless you , and Donna I am so glad you are posting on here and it is helping you as when I read your first post my heart ached so badly for you keep posting and take care my friends, it would be lovely one day to meet up and have a big hug
Love Michelle xxxx