I lost my beautiful mum on christmas day 2024

Coping with bereavement
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I lost my mum to lung cancer on christmas day and i’m really struggling to cope. It’s 3 weeks since she passed away so I know I am really early on in the grieving process but I am finding it so tough to carry on and accept a life without my mum in it.

I am 35 and never expected to lose her at this age. I always thought I would have more time to prepare for my mums death and have all my life together, but instead she passed so suddenly and I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

She was diagnosed in June 2024. It was such a shock for us all as she never seemed that unwell to us. She refused treatment as it was too far gone anyway so we accepted her decision for palliative care just hoping i guess for her to be okay.

She was doing okay. She did begin to withdraw from us a bit which made me sad at the time, but I understood she needed time to process and maybe it was a way to protect her children. And then all of a sudden, her pain became significantly worse 2 weeks before christmas. The nurses couldnt keep on top of it and every text or call I had with her sounded more desperate.

And then her breathing deteriorated but still, she was still carrying on but by the 24th Dec, she was so unwell. I saw her on christmas day and i couldnt believe the difference. It was only a few weeks ago she was cooking me and dad lunch, drinking a glass of wine.

She passed suddenly and very peacefully in my dads arms that afternoon as he helped her from the bathroom. He said it was like she just fell asleep. Paramedics tried to save her, but she was already gone.

Ill never forget the phonecall from my sister that night - i think it will haunt me forever.

How do i move through this? The first week I was in survival mode, being strong for my dad - who I love dearly. But now the reality of mum being gone foever has hit me. Every morning i wake up with anxiety and dread. Random memories of mum before all of this pop into my head and they torment me. Even her watering the garden, or when i used to watch her do her hair and makeup. I keep trying to rememeber conversations we had and I feel so hollow inside and then frightened. The fear is so intense that I cant function or eat. Life then feels so tedious and I think whats the point if shes not here.

Is this all normal to feel? I am very lucikly surrounded by love. I have 2 brothers, 1 sister and I love my dad to bits. I also have a partner who adores me and a lovely dog, but I cant find any joy at the moment. All i want is my mum. We were so close and I wonder how do i possibly continue without her.

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Hi @Toniee

I just wanted to reach out as someone that has a lot in common with you. I am also 35 and feel robbed of my time with my dad. He was my best friend and died suddenly of a heart attack 7 weeks ago. I still, at times, am convinced he is coming back and when the realisation hits that this is forever I feel numb. I have been struggling to sleep with reoccurring nightmares and the dread of falling asleep and waking up to another day without him.

I can’t say it gets any easier as the weeks go by but the crying lessens and my appetite came back after a few weeks.

I too have two brothers who are a great support as well as my husband and cocker spaniel. All of them (including the dog- they definitely know!) have been a great help and I find it nice to speak with my brothers who presumably are the closest in feeling how I do. We talk about memories of dad and try to find some positives (like the fact my dad raised 3 children who loved him dearly and are there for one another in a time of need- he would be so proud!)

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. I know even at 35 I feel too young for this to have happened but I have found comfort in this community knowing there are others going through similar and finding ways to continue living life. I have also found counselling a great help.

Hana

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Thank you for your reply! And im so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.

Im happy to hear that youve got a support network also and dogs are amazing healers!

Im having moments of strength but the yearning and missing my mum has gotten stronger. Its such a huge loss and its so hard for your brain to even process whats happening and imagining a life and future without them, seems impossible.

In my darkest moments, life feels so unbearble to live but those moments do fade away. They are just so scary.

Have you gone back to work?

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Those moments of strength you have become more frequent, I promise! I used to think the saying ‘grief comes in waves’ was a bit cliche, but it really does. When it hits, it hits hard (especially when I think I could have over half my life to live without him :disappointed:) but then I have days when I’m just grateful to have had such an amazing parent and for so many happy memories.

I haven’t gone back to work yet. I have been signed off by my GP. They initially signed me off until early Jan but due to my problems sleeping they have extended it till mid Feb. One of my brothers has gone back to work already and he says the distraction/keeping busy helps but I worry it’s just a way of prolonging the initial grieving.

I hope your work are being supportive?

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Yes my brothers and sister seem to be dealing with normal life better than me. I seem to be struggling every day and even now, im having a bad moment. I miss my mum so much and when i am like this, i cant see my life without her. I keep telling myself that I will get through this wave and feel strong again, but its so all consuming. Not eaten anything today either.

I am a freelancer so I have to keep making money. They have been very kind but I do have some deadlines tomorrow. It might help to distract me, but I am really struggling to do anything at the moment.

X

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I’m so sorry for your loss, I know it hurts! My advice is take each day as it comes. Small steps to start with. You will have bad days and ok days. But you need to be kind yourself which is paramount and give yourself lots of time. There’s nothing worse than losing a pearent because you feel you lost you too. But one day you will see mum again.

1 Like
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It’s ok to feel bad and miss your mum. I find that sometimes the sensation of missing my dad is so overwhelming. It almost feels like taking a sharp intake of breath but then not having the ability to breathe out. Crying is sometimes a relief, it’s like a reset for me. Try and eat little and often, I know it’s hard but you have to look after yourself as best you can. It doesn’t matter what you eat, any sustenance is good.

I’m sorry that you have to work but glad they have been understanding. You might find it helps.

Have you had your mums funeral yet? For some reason my appetite returned after the funeral was done. I think because I felt so anxious about the funeral and the planning of it.

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No we havent had the funeral yet and i think you’re right, its contributing a lot to my anxiety. It’s all so difficult to get my head round, planning her funeral, its like a nightmare that I cant escape from. Every morning I think about it so perhaps after that, it will provide some closure and my anxiety might let up a bit.

You can probably emphasise how surreal it feels losing a parent at this age and so suddenly.

Thank you for providing comfort. I hope you continue to reach out!

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I almost felt relieved when the funeral was over as the planning of it was so full on. I was also doing a reading at the funeral and the worry of whether I would be able to get up and speak was at time, all consuming. It was a lovely service but again, just felt so surreal to see my beautiful dad’s face on the front of the order of service.

You may find it useful to reach out to your GP. I did so very early on and was given counselling sessions with Mind which I did (and still am) finding incredibly useful. I was also prescribed a low dose sleeping pill. I know some people might be adverse to meds and in all honesty, I was too to begin with but sleep is such an important part of the healing process.
Take cake of yourself and feel free to reach out if you want to speak about anything else :blush: