I lost my best friend in November to suicide

I lost one of my best friends of 6 years suddenly and tragically to suicide almost 5 months ago and I am still struggling to cope with day to day life.

I have previously struggled with depression and anxiety to some capacity but my inability to process what has happened has made me spiral out of control, I have lost my grip on university (I am a student nurse), work and my relationships. I have been to the GP, tried a few antidepressants, stopped taking said antidepressants and am in talking therapy but I still can’t seem to shift anything.

The only reason I truly think I am still here and living is because I don’t want anyone to ever feel the depth of grief and pain I have felt and witnessed in my friend’s other friends and family members since they passed. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame my friend for a second. I am so incredibly proud of their strength throughout all of their battles, and there will never be a single day I don’t love and miss them deeply. but right now it feel like I’m stuck, frozen on the spot whilst the rest of the world moves forwards.

we were both 20 when they passed and I am now 21. I strangely feel grateful I have learnt how cruel this world can be so early on, but can’t find anyone my age in my life who can relate to this. I realise this is quite the unique experience, especially regarding the circumstances surrounding my friend’s death. But as much as my friends try to understand and help me through this they don’t quite seem to understand, which I get, as I say, its been a once in a lifetime experience, and many people will never experience this so I don’t blame them, they’re trying their best to help in the end with the knowledge they have.

My partner left me due to the decline of my mental health and processing of this grief affecting them and our relationship, so it feels like I am now grieving two people, one dead, one alive. we are in no contact at the moment as I feel this is best best way for me to move on from them. I do receive the occasional message about something random, but ignore it, as it just makes missing them more noticeable. it has only been a month since we split.

There is not much I can do in terms of this relationship ending, except let time heal it I guess, I just wish it wasn’t like this. I feel they just expected me to move past my friends death like losing a grandparent. which is also remarkably difficult, and me and my ex have both experienced this, but this kind of loss seems more fathomable. when an elderly person dies it is expected, they are often ill for a while and it is justifiable almost, as they have lived, but when someone our own age , so young, dies it is so hard to understand. it leaves you with guilt, questions such as; could I have done more? why am I still here with a life ahead of me and they’re not?

Anyway. thank you for reading. if you have any words of advice or have lost someone significant quite early on in life to suicide then please feel free to chat, I want to speak with people who understand how this feels,

have a lush day, sending all my love and the biggest hugs


I’m so sorry to read about your friend and your heart ache.
This community is such a good place to explore everything you are going through because we are all going through this terrible journey.
You have obviously had some professional support and that’s brilliant, sometimes though we just need to feel less alone and more understood which is why this forum works so well.
I hope also, that you have talked with the Samaritans where you will find someone willing to listen while you pour out your grief.
With love, Daisyrose x



Firstly I am so sorry to hear about your friend.

I lost my son, also in November to suicide. All totally out of the blue, he was a funny, loving, hardworking young man, but obviously had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

The pain I feel is torturous and is certainly not getting any easier, if anything worse. So many ifs and buts and questions which I will never find the answer to. This is a ‘club’ nobody wants to join, it isn’t a monthly thing you can ‘opt out of’, bit a club for life.

Even though I have a supportive husband and family, grief is a very lonely place. But we dont stop laughing, we don’t forget, we don’t stop laughing, we don’t get over it. We take the journey forward, living a different life, living the best we can.

I have good days and alot of very dark days, but one day at a time and one step at a time.

I’m finding the great outdoors very beneficial. It makes me stop and listen to what’s around me, see what’s around me and smell what’s around me, just for a little bit that distraction helps me focus on something different, even if it’s just for any hour.

Remember your friend with fond memories, take about him, laugh about him, cry too, but hold him close and always in your heart.

Sending you the biggest hug :hugs: