I’m a newly qualified nurse.
My dad was my biggest cheerleader but passed away from covid in my final few weeks of my sign off placement.
I got to see him and take care of him the night before he passed. But a part of me wishes I didn’t. It broke my heart seeing how terribly he was being cared for. My dad is a proud man, and in he’s final days when we were unable to see him, it was clear he was not treated with the dignity he deserved.
I had to his funeral as my mum couldn’t with the support of family friends whilst finishing my placement in an intensive care unit. I was also given 1 weeks notice by the council to move home (into a disgusting flat ) a fortnight after he passed. In the middle of all this were my sons.
A week after finishing my nursing my dads funeral took place, three days after this I moved home.
I started my Job on a general ward a month after his funeral.
After my first week I came home to find A young boy who had been stabbed. Paramedics were already working on him however he sadly passed away. I didn’t know him but I broke down. I tried to continue to go to work and then the week following I had a covid contact. I was already withdrawn and not myself… but this tipped me over the edge. I completely it. I attempted to kill myself. I just did not want to continue anymore. I was mentally and physically exhausted and failing at everything. My bills were pilling too.
The G.p has now signed me off for the last 6 weeks and I am due to start work again in 2 weeks. I need the money and I know that I need to get back to normal, but I am still a complete mess. I am crying throughout most of my days. I’m lashing out at my children, I get angry when people talk to me about insignificant things.
I am usually very kind and empathetic to everyone and anyone and I know everyone has their issues. But I just can’t help it.
My sister brought me and my mother to a comedy show… I cried throughout the entire thing. I am not the first person to lose a parent… but I am just such a mess.
I am the first within my friendship group to lose a parent and I feel so stupid talking about it. No amount of talking will change it. They try but they don’t really understand it. I am just so miserable.
I don’t know what to do. Do I go back to work to see if I can cope? Do I ask for more time? Should I quit?
How can I ever go back to normal when I have this enormous hole in my life? I miss him so much
How have any of you managed to cope?
Sorry for the extremely long message