It was a six month battle with illness where he actually came out of hospital after just over four months in there, and we thought he was recovering. He was out for nearly a month. Then went back in a few days before Christmas, and just went downhill until palliative care was brought in two days before we lost him. Sudden or not, it’s crushing. He went through so much, such a fighter, and I was so scared for him at the end. Walking away from that hospital room, I felt like I was walking away from him, abandoning him. At the moment, parts of the day feel like it hasn’t happened (as if I almost feel “normal”) as if my Dad is still in hospital because we had that routine for so long. Other times I’m distracting myself. And then, like tonight, I just buckled. Not being able to accept that he’s gone. I don’t feel safe in the world without him. I’m trying to remember everything he’s said and done in my life, all memories (good and bad) trying to recollect because I’m afraid I’ll forget. I can’t remember right now. I’m doing a lot of sleeping, broken. That’s all I really feel like doing. Then there’s planning the funeral and then having to face it. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I feel like I lied to him when, in his last moments, I said we will be fine and we’re a strong family because of him. I don’t want to disappoint him but, we all don’t seem to be fine. How am I ever going to be.
Hi Aroreiel, firstly I’d like to say how sorry I am to read about your dad, what a dreadful time for you and your family. I can relate to just about all of what you have written in the way you are feeling. Right now, it’s very early days and I know your emotions are completely all over the place and it’s hard to see any way forward. Certainly nothing I can say will make you feel better right now but you can be sure that what you are going through is what others on this site are either going through or have gone through themselves and will no doubt be very happy to offer their support and thoughts. I lost my mum at the end of August suddenly while she was on holiday with my family, I woke to find her sat up in bed with breathing difficulties and within the next hour or so despite my and the medics best efforts, she lost her fight to live and I had to see her ripped away from me. The previous day she had been to a pub lunch with us and I never thought it would end this way even an hour beforehand. I can’t tell you how awful that moment, that time, that day, and the following days were. It was a complete blur and an onslaught of mentally draining emotions.
I can understand that you would feel scared for your dad, I would too. You were not abandoning him, you are feeling this way because you love him and care for him so much, physically walking away is tremendously hard. Walking out of my mum’s bedroom after kissing her goodbye for the last time was horrible knowing I’d never see her again. You will have disbelief and moments of feeling normal, it’s so weird but true. You are allowed to break down and if you need to cry or let out your emotions then do it. You will not forget, your brain is trying so hard to process everything right now and it is struggling so you are bound to forget things right now but you will never forget your dad and what you did together, the memories will stay there, don’t worry. Look after yourself and sleep when you can.
I know you’ll have lots of practicalities to work through such as the funeral, my mum had hers two weeks after and I remember it was hell of a blur and almost felt too much to be able to cope with just like you. It happened though and I did get through it and now I don’t really think about it anymore. Are you getting some help with that from family and officials?
Don’t worry about the lying, we all do it to some extent, if lying makes someone like your dad feel better then what’s the harm? It doesn’t matter in the end, only to you and you are doing it out of love pure and simple.
The last thing I’d like to say is you will find a lot of support and amazing people on this site and together you will find a way forward eventually. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy or quick - I’m not there myself yet - but you will find peace in time. Right now, take each day or hour as it comes. Thoughts are with you.
Hi Aroreiel, If there is a right place at a time when we are heart-broken, you have certainly come to the right one. The people here are amazing, showing such courage, honesty and openness. They are willing to share their experiences of this horrible emotion called grief, you are very welcome.