I lost my husband in July

I thought I was coping, going out, meeting people. Joining groups. Then found out a few weeks ago my eyes are not good enough to drive, we only moved here 12 months ago, I do not know a soul , Christmas is coming and I feel numb inside. Going to family at Christmas and don’t know how I’ll cope. We were married 2 months short of 50 years. Does it ever get beter

Hi Lyn …my husband also died in July he was just 36 and we have a 5 and 6 year old …my days are up and down …but i can tell that the support and friendship that I have made on this support group has made all the difference in the world …we are always here …hugs Michelle x

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I am the same as you Lyn, lost my dear husband in July after a short unexpected .illness as well. We had moved only the October before to a lovely area ready to enjoy our new life. I have been trying so hard to reach out to friends, join groups etc but being alone after 46 years of marriage is devastating. Not only have I lost the man I loved, I have lost my way of life as well. It is very hard to start again and my heart goes out to you. I try to just say to myself that we were lucky to have had all those years together. Maggie x

So sorry must be very difficult especially with two little ones

Yes it is so difficult. I have three children who all live in different parts of the country. Where are you living, I live in Pembroke Wales. I do love walking which I find very comforting with my dog. Some days are awful, I just feel very numb inside. The memories are very helpful.

Hi LynS, yes things do get better but it takes time and it will never be the same. You will cope, we have to. Take your time, don’t rush trying to make a new life. At this stage things change and so will you. The thing I try is to think that tomorrow is another day and see what it brings. Your family will all try to make it ok for you but that’s a pipe dream they have, in fact that doesn’t work but like us all we pretend.
Enjoy what you can and think tomorrow. Next year things will improve.

Hi I’m in the same boat as you. My partner died of cancer on the 15th november. We moved to Scotland 3 yrs ago. So I have no family around me this Christmas and financially I can’t go to them. It’s a tough one about how to cope…but I do know your not alone I’m here any time to talk. There appears to be no support groups like say age concern where you can go to on Christmas day or any other time.

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I’ve just decided that ‘pretend’ is completely the right word. I’m not just acting a part, I’m pretending.
I’m pretending to family and friends, and most of all I’m pretending to myself. I’m pretending I can do things and move slowly forward. I don’t always convince myself and I can’t pretend I do.

Oh yes, we are very good at pretending and for the next six days I will be doing a fantastic job of convincing my son and family that life is ‘just’ brilliant. The one thing I know is that we are not alone in doing this. I was told the other week to tell it as it is, sorry I tried but failed. That’s not me so Merry Christmas to you all and have a fantastic time pretending. Tomorrow is another day and you never know it could be a really good day. I do hope so.
Blessings to you all.

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I try and stay positive each day because although people and family were upset Steve died it’s as if they have just got on with their lives doing normal things and I feel as if I’m the only one that is grieving and think about him every day…the most heart breaking was the fact I was left to deal with his funneral alone…his parents never even came to the funneral even tho they could of flew here in 40 mins…I suppose that’s half my problem I can’t forgive the fact that they never came up to see him even tho they knew he had only a short time to live…i cared for him 24 hrs a day at home…of course the nurses came in every morning and came when ever needed on top but…I felt as if all the worry and care was left to me…don’t get me wrong I loved Steve to the moon and back…but his parent did nothing…bearing in mind he was their only child…like I said before the whole situation was placed on me while his parents went on golfing holidays etc…now steves gone they ring me with trivial conversations and I’m so wanting to shout and scream at them…

Pretending is the right word…I do the same all the time…I try and do normal things like everyone else I paint a smile on my face. I don’t know if you agree but family grieve for what appears is a short period of time but for me the pain of losing my soul mate carrys on and on…they ring me and talk about things they are doing or places they are going and I think to myself how do they do that…just get on with life…for me just getting the will power to step out side is hard…especially this time of year…I’m starting to question myself…is it fair that I should hide the fact I’m unhappy to people just to please them and not be a sad sack or should I be open and say I’m sorry but I’m not ready to smile and join in with conversations like what holiday your taking or who’s coming to your home on Xmas day…I think people like us who lose a soul mate or some one we loved so much should have a little more sympathy and time and understanding

I have recently had to put my 7 month old puppy up for rehoming as I wasn’t looking after myself…Times are especially hard for me and hope there is good coming my way…And anybody else for that matter…

I go and see my mum and dad who are in their mid 80s and try to show I’m ok not too worry them but inside I’m all over the place…

Rosemarie, I am so sorry you lost your husband. I can sense how very difficult life is for you at the moment…my heart goes out to you. I also have severe anxiety and receiving treatment. I know what it takes just to get out of bed each day. You’ve had to make a hard decision regarding the puppy, I feel you’re having to be so brave, all round. I hope you have someone to share your concerns with…kind regards, x

Hi, how I see myself in all these comments and yes life goes on but when we close the door and we are by ourselves it is different. Soul mates are meant to be for life and I felt that my life should have end soon afterwards but it didn’t so I have to continue. Brave face and pretend is the rule of ever day. Hope things change for us all soon.

I think it’s difficult to generalise in my case. I have a son and 3 daughters and they have been fantastic, almost too much so.
One daughter had her first child 4 weeks before my wife died and they had planned what they would be doing while she is on Maternity leave. She really misses her mother as she lives close by. Another daughter had a miscarriage nine weeks after the death of my wife and that’s just added to her grief. I think I’ve just realised how close we all are.
My brothers and my wife’s brothers have some contact but they aren’t really supportive. In fact any support I’ve received has been from females, friends of my wife and family. I doubt I would have been much different but maybe I will be in future.
It’s not long ago that my mother died but that was overshadowed by my wife’s illness and my aunt died a few weeks ago and I couldn’t find any extra grief for her.
I’ve become much more generous with my kids. Maybe I’m trying to buy their continuing support.
It’s difficult on the sympathy and understanding. It’s a bit like what goes round comes round in my case, and I probably would be hypocritical to expect more.
I just accept that any change has to come from me and so I don’t really look for support as such. If it’s offered I’m grateful and properly thank people.

No one has wrote about book on grieving tI’ll it happens to you you don’t know how you react or for how long…I think it’s a wonderful thing you spoiling your kids…it’s not a bad thing…your showing them that dispite how you feel you love them and they are important to you…I try and not lean on my two sons who live with me. They do their best to help around the flat. In fairness I don’t think they know what to do to help…Steve wasn’t their dad but he treated them like his own sons…this year I won’t get to see my gran kids because of financial reasons and they live 360 miles away. I love being busy and having all 6 of them around would of been fantastic…the way I see it you have people that are open with their feelings. They will sit and have a good cry with you and will do any thing for you…then some people just clamp up and don’t know what to do and avoid you like the plague. This in its self is hurtful…even tho I’m grieving I try and not take it to heart. I’m starting to enjoy walking the dog now and decided that in the new year I’m going to find a job and stop mopping around the flat…

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