Thank you xx
You are more then welcome, hope I have helped
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I am an only child. it is better but after seven years.
Hi Tim, What a wonderful son you sound. Iam thinking , being a carer to my mum as well, how much more difficult the grieving is. I was looking after my mum so well, kept her going, saved her life once, then a hospital visit and the care just wasnt there, they honestly hurried her death along, so chaotic. I have terrible flashbacks now. Help from doctors is a long waiting list. Everyone tells me how amazing I was but I hate myself for taking her to hospital where I thought she would be safe. I try to tell myself, whatbadvice would I give to me? Reading on here about others in the same position, its easy. You cared for your mothers 24/7. You didnt move a hundred miles away and put them in a carehome. You put them first. You and I deserve a medal. We have nothing to be guilty of or sad about. We did our utmost, and I salut you all x
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Hello Polar, lovely to hear from you, you saved your mums life?, what happened please and how did that come about?.
In taking your mum to hospital you did your best, and while it is amazing how much we learn about medical matters, neither of us are doctors, and I have been warned about giving medical advise.
My mum made it clear she wanted to pass away at home, and I went all the way to help insure she got her wish, it cost me my health and even before she passed I was put under a mental health nurse by my mums gp, who took one look at me and realised I was at the end of my tether, that single act saved my sanity and possibly my life, and your mum passing in your arms is as stressful as it gets.
What you and I did, went through, and are still going through, was not easy, and is not easy, YOU, were amazing, I was amazing, but we both paid a terrible price for it, and it should not fall to relatives to care for there loved ones IN PLACE of proper medical care and that is so wrong, and we would not normally be expected to fill that role, even in war time.
Most people would have said ‘this is to difficult’ and would have walked away, you and I did ant and staid to the bitter end when hell its self froze over, that takes commitment, determination, and frankly guts, and yes, we put our mothers first, because it was the rite thing to do.
DO NOT HATE YOURSELF for taking her to hospital, you did your best, as I did, you are giving yourself complex grief for nothing, this was not your fault, any more then my mums illness was my fault, you should tell the world how your mum was treated in hospital, the terminally ill tend to be regarded as discarded luggage on a railway platform, just in the way, and are basicaly left in a room to die, my dad died alone in hospital, I was determined that was not goiung to happen to my mum, so I stayed with her night and day at home, hardest thing I have ever done.
Dementia killed my mum, its a clinical form of crucifixion and is the same process, the vital organs fail, fluid builds up in the lungs and around the heart and eventually the heart gives up.
My mum said I could keep her ashes, they form the centre of a wall memorial to my past family, no one left on my side know, I am basically alone in the world, I suspect you are as well.
On the left is my dad, the middle picture is my mum at her silver wedding in 1982, the chap on the right with horns growing out of his head is my twin brother on his 60th birthday.
Thankyou for contacting me Polar, love to hear from you again.
Tim xx
Hi Tim,
Thankyou so much for your words of hope I like the photo of your brother. I took a photo of my mum like that, accidentally, when a light fixture behind her, looked like horns! I think I read you lost your brother too? Very tough.
I cared for my mum for ten years. I wasnt well myself,so it kind of made sense to be her carer and I could stay at home. I also had a younger sister, with cerebralpalsy, severely disabled and she lived in a carehome but I was with her alot. After dad died, she became my responsibility, watching over her care, taking her out and as the years went on, over 30 hospital visits, I sat with her, leaving mum on her own. By the time my sister was 55yrs , she was dying in hospital and between all the frantic visits back annd forth,leaving mum, one day I discovered mums haert wasnt beating properly and despite a dr giving her the all clear, she ended up in hospital having a pacemaker , after I made a fuss. Mum had to go into a care home for weeks after, they would not let me bring her home. y mum did not get to see her daughter my sister when she passed away, because the carehome would not allow her to, it was sort of at the end of the pandemic, when things were still difficult.
Mum came home and I managed to keep her going for another two years after my sister went. Mum had dementia but I knew she was trying to support me and stay with me as best as she possibly could.
So, in two years, I have had two deaths and some days I dont know who to cry about first!
I know that I said to mum, what am I going to do when you have gone and she would just say, carry on.
I am sad to read about your dad in hospital. Unfortunately the care is not often there and you are right, once they know or think your going to die, they dont care. One Dr said to me , well your mums had a good life, I thought you know nothing about my mum.
You have had alot to deal with and I applaud you, because people like you and me are rare! Thanks for reading my story and yeah write back,it all helps . polar x
Polar, you have spent a very large portion of your life caring for your late sister AND your mother for 10 years, and that you were not well your self is incredible.
You put me to shame, cerebral palsy is horrible I know, she will have been like that for all her life.
I lost my twin on Saturday/September the 4th 2021 at 11:50 in the morning, I was taking my mum to have her hair cut and it was the last time she left the house alive, I knew he had gone, I am slightly clairvoyant, at 12:30 got a phone call from his tearful wife telling me what I already knew.
What you have achieved should be officially recognised, you have given up so many years of your own life, with out malis and with out reward, for the love of your family, you could have possibly had a career etc, that is not only a huge sacrifice, but also a huge achievement, you must be mentally very very strong, and stories like yours make me think of a 19 year old girl in the states who weighing just 120ib lifted her dads pick up truck on the front offside with the wheel off to free her dad trapped under it(she lifted a ton, its officially recorded by the local fire department who presented her with a humanity award) or some 18 times her own body waight,she was a champion athlete, that helped her to not only achieve this incredible feat, but also survive afterwards with nothing more then strains and bruises.(this is all on youtube) and it proves the truth in the saying that you don’t know how strong you can be until you have no alternative then to be strong.
So your mum had dementia too?, it is the number one killer in the western world and is what cancer was some 50 years ago and the fact the king has know got it and immunotherapy for cancer is finally under way may well see a huge step forward in its treatment, dementia is still a death sentence and my mum thought like Ukraine all the way to the last second, something I mentioned in her eulogy, my right small finger went very septic and had to be lanced, even on her death bed she was asking me about this finger, she had all her buttons on till the very end, and the end was terrible, and her moment of death will be part of me forever.
No, that Dr knew NOTHING about your mum, and to that jackass your mum was just another patient, but she was your mum who you had loved and cared for for many years and if anyone knew your mum it was you, and I applaud you for what you did, the medics are sometimes far to quick to write off the elderly.
I think your mum would have got on well with my mum from what you say, she was off the war time generation that grew up during the war and lost her cousin among others along the way like the late queen did,she was from the greatest generation to who we owe so much.‘carry on’ was her mantra.
People like you and me are very ware indeed, probably one in thousands, and in some ways I belong more in the 1950’s then the 2020’s, my mum had an incredible influence on my values and on my life, and I have to some extent inherited her traits, and I get impatient with people who fling there hands in the air when ever the computer goes down, at 14 my mum was a qualified commercial secretary in shorthand, typing and book keeping (only one in her year to pass book keeping)
and was the PS of one Cornual Waddon who worked for the duke of Maclough, one of her duties was to type out the annual permit for the Gondola to be moored to the bed of lake coniston among many other things, for which she took home 16 shillings a week after her stamps were taken off (one and six) and that included Saturday morning as well, it was early 1941, the yanks were still sitting on the fence and not yet in the war, her predecessor had been called up to join the wrens, Britain stood alone and while the Battle of Britain had been won, the Atlantic war was well under way and things were very grim and as my mum said, it was a case of getting on with it.
It was with that same ‘can do’ attitude that she started her dancing school in 1947, hired the church hall for one evening and put a half crown add in the Dalton news, she was not qualified to dance, but she could dance and teach others to dance, she eventually gained 3 degrees in dancing at St Andrews University.
Please tell me more about your mum.
Blessings to you, and to all who love you. 
Tim xx
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