I los my mam 6th decemeber. She wasnt just my mam but my best friend and whole world. I never left her as she had a rubbish life witb dad and couldnt leave him. Im 46 amd lost dad 2 years ago. This was mine and mams time. She was diagnosed with alzhimers and i cared for her. We did everything together. My sister is a waste of space but my neice is lovely. But she has her own life with 2 kids ans a poorly dad. My friends dont seem to know how to deal with the way i feel and feel thwyre istancing themselves from me. I feel so utterly alone. I really dont want to bw here. I just want mam. I donr know what to do anymore.
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Hi @Kerry77
I can hear in your message how distressing this is for you, our parents are a big part of our lives, & they are there with us through so much, it’s a big shock, & changes everything. My mom passed 3 years this April, & I still feel the loss. I’m sorry to hear your mom’s life was made so upsetting by your dad, my dad made my mom’s life a misery too, in fact, she died with him constantly getting drunk & yelling at her, right up to the day she died, 
, it’s heartbreaking, & she never should of had to die like that. Sending hugs of support.
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kerry77
please as hard as it is the feeling of desperation and despair and feeling like there is no point just pop on here and chat cos im in same boat and its a nice distraction to chat to people going through same situation xxx
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I understand. I was - am, in the same spot. Beloved deceased mother and father and it has been hard. Mine were also my best friends. I lost my mother 2016 and it has been a long journey. But slowly I expanded my life so let time pass and continue on. My grief counseling helped a lot.
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Its sad because we know they deserved a better life. I so wanted to give her that. Its also difgicult cos she dieddue to hospital negligence. I know i could have had longer with her. I dont have anyone, not really. Just coming home and having someone to tell you boring stories too. Im here for now for my cat whos 15 and so sort mams mo ey and do me a will.so my sister doesnt get that money too and i cant see anything hats left for me after that
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kerry 77
try counselling and find a grief focus group you xan meet people talk that understand you and hopefully make new friends
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Dear Kerry
I completely identify with you, I am 63 and know live alone having lost my mother on the 5th January last year.
I was her principle carer for 4 years as she battled dementia, the last 6 months were full on care from me 24hours/7 days a week.
She finally died in my arms, my mums doctor took one look at me when she visited my mum in the last few weeks and promptly put me under the practice mental health nurse, that kindness saved my sanity, and possibly my life.
When my mum past the first person to arrive was the local minister (I had called her in literally her last minutes to advise her she was breathing her last) she read the passage to the dead, I thanked her and we spoke for a few munities, something about arranging a funeral I think,then the night nurses arrived and quietly went about there business of certifying death, then they tided her up to make her look fit and combed her hair ‘Call an undertaker’ I was told directly, fortunately I had already made plans for that and made the call, my mum had expressed a wish to be cremated and I had already decided to go the direct cremation route with a funeral with the ashes later, I was physically and mentally a wreck, and in no state to deal with a funeral in the near future and I did not want to make distant relatives drive long distances in early January, at 11.20 that night her body was removed on a trolley from the house, the last time she left the house alive was on September 4th 2021, to have her hair done, it was the day my twin brother passed from a brain tumer, I am slightly clairvoyant, and at 11:50 that morning just as we were leaving the house I knew he had gone, at 12:30 I got a call on my mobile from his tearful wife to tell me what I already knew, my sis in law lost her mother on the following Jan 6th 2022, just over 4 months later, my family has been through a meat grinder and I am the only one left on my side, the night watchman, and from the other side my twin brother keeps berating me for carrying on alone, I am not yet ready to throw in the towel until I have given a good go first at making my new life work, that starts with going through the greaving process, it can literally hurt as we all know on this site, it involves adjusting to loss, it takes courage, persistence, forbearance and good faith, and will test you as you have never been tested before and there are no short cuts, neither is there a correct way to grieve.
I lost my dad in 2008, we were, how shall I put it?, lets say I respected him, but I did not love him, my mother on the other hand did so much for me, and I am so glad we were living together in her final years, we went on some wonderful holidays and did everything together almost like a couple and at times hotel workers and shop assistants have mistaken as as a couple and referred my mother to me as my wife, often to there embarrassment and our amusement!!.
The first months are the worst, and to begin with I just wanted to pass away in my sleeping bag, and I would have done had I not been found, I was, and still am, under a mental health nurse more used to dealing with battlefield trarma(I suppose your mum passing in your arms is quite high up the stress ladder and 1-10 is probably 11) you will find loneliness is a big thing, and after the funeral they all go back to their nice little lives, I did the whole thing myself, there was no one else to do it and I virtually conducted her funeral service myself on the 17th April followed by lunch for my invited party, it was lovely to see my mums cousin and my god sisters among others and it made it quite nice, I requested smart casual dress not wanting to feel I was addressing a mathier convention, and I did a very long eulogy of my moms life, it was a celebration of her life, she was 95 and of the wartime generation and worked as a commercial secretary qualified in typing, bookkeeping and shorthand
and started work at 14, her predecessor had been called up into the wrens, it was 1941.
Alzheimer’s is of course dementias cousin, and my mum had that too, and I am so lucky my mum was there for me for so long, and while it is sad you are on this site you have come to a good place, we are a friendly bunch and most of us have grate empathy for anyone grieving.
My mother on her dath bed gave me permission to keep her ashes, they form the centre piece of a wall memorial to my family, and my dad is there, and it is fitting that he should be, he was her husband, and it is only what my mum would expect, I have included the photograph.
May God give you strength and guidance in the days ahead.
Blessings to you.
Timxx
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Hi Tim.
Yes i was mams carer for 3 years too. We did everything together. People used to say we were a comedy act together. She brought us up all on her own whilst having her own mental health problems , yet we didnt know cos she hid them well. She was a beautiful woman. She was sunshine. I adored her like no other.
You sound like you’ve been through it.
My neice couldnt make the funeral as her dad (my ex brother in law) was taken ill in intensive care. So i had to attend thw funeral on my own. I have excellent friends who where there for me. But dont seem to understand as much now.
My neice wanted mams ashes buried, which i did not, but wanting to please, i said yes. I came to an aggreement with my funerl director so mam is split into 3 bless her. I have some to scatter at out favourite place. Some for my neice to have buried and somw for me to keep. And when I’m gone. We will be put together and scattered together.
I’m pleased i ahve found people who understand how im feeling.
Thank you for sharing,
Kerry xx
Me and my beautiful mam xx
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Bless you Kerry, its a lovely picture.
Timxx
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Hi Kerry77, I’m struggling so much too, I can’t see my way through. The flashbacks, the nightmares, sirens etc keep sending me back to the scene constantly. The gp just keeps giving me pills that don’t help. The waiting list for counselling is huge, even though I’ve been diagnosed with ptsd.
I’m in a hole and every time I try to get out I fall deeper. I thought so many times what’s the point of being here. My friends have distanced themselves and I’m an only child so I feel totally alone. I’m desperately hoping that in time things might start to feel better. I’m here if you would like to talk.
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Thank you xx
Lost my mum last year to dementia, had to look after her at home all the way and was her principle carer, died in my arms, am under a mental health nurse, my mums doctor took one look at me when she visited and put me under him before my mother past, that kind act saved my sanioty, and propberbly my life.
Whats your story please?.
Tim
Aww sounds traumatic. Mam was let down by the hospital who sent her home after a visit to the a&e to find her breathing went downhil and turned out they sent her home with broken ribs and a pneumothorax. Tooke her back and she was in 10 days in which time they withdrew treatment against my wishes. There has been an investigation to which im waitimg on the answers. So i feel.she was robbed from me earlier than she should have been. I was doing not too bad till.last week and this week, I’m even worse. I feel like frie.ds are distancing themselves too. Tbh, im only here right now cos i have an elderly cat i need to look after. Im hopeing i get out of this hole somehow soon. Cos basically i dont care about anythi.ng anymore.
Sorry Tim, this is part of my story too
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From what you have said I know just what you are suffering from and am there at times my self, but I am not allowed to discuss it with you, comes under giving medical advise and that is NOT ALLOWED on this site unless you want centipedes to crawl all over you.
As for your late mum, if subject to coroners enquiry then it is legally subduidacy and as this is a public forum we could be in trouble for going there.(my dad was the justices clark for the furness area so I have picked up quite a bit about how the law operates.)
But, I can at least empathise and sympathise, friends can be funny, sometimes they avoid you because they do not know what to say and are worried about upsetting you, others feel almost embarast and feel they just want to avoid you as if you have covid or the plague.
I would say just know your best friend is your cat, it will not pre judge you,
my mum was kept at home, in the end I was basically responsible for her end of life care, that involved monitering the driven syringe supplying her palative care, palitive being it just made her suffering bearable, and when I knew she was in pain I had it stepped up, I was monitering her vertually round the clock and had carers coming in regularly, I am not medically trained, but I took instruction and am a qualified lab technician, never thought I would be using my degree in connection with that, it almost broke me, but mum wanted to die at home, I was available, recourses were stretched with covid and as her only surviving family member it fell to me to step up to the plate in frankly a way that no one should have to do with out medical training in frankly worse then war time conditions, I think I looked after her better then in hospital ware she would have been probably dumped in a back room, checked on every 4 hours and basically left to die, I was monitoring her constantly.
Blessings to you, hope you can rebuild your life, that, is part of the greaving process.
Tim
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Well im pretty sure the investigation outcome will be a halfhearted apology or denial. But will leave it there due to any legalities.
Aw wow. You did have it hard. But yes, you’re right. She will have got way better care from you. Cos i know i had to fight for basics. I sat with her around the clock for 10 days. And for that i am greatful.
As for my cat, i love him to bits but i don’t think the feeling is mutual 
He really doesnt care as long as hes being fed! But my love for him keeps me going.
Your mum was VERY lucky to have you and would be very proud x
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Thanks for your kind wishes Kerry, power to you!!!
Tim
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Hi upon just reading your post it was like I was reading my own post , I lost my mom suddenly in Nov and there is a 22 week wait for counselling, the doctor has given me pills, I just don’t think I can live without my mom it’s getting harder everyday, im so sorry for your loss and the pain you feel x
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Yes it just feels harder each day/ each week doesnt it?! Im still sorting thrrough affers which is hard too. Do you work?
Im sorry for yours too
Hi Dada, so sorry for your loss.
For you it is early days in your grief journey, that is what it is, I am so sorry you have found yourself on this site, we support each other as much as we can, we all have different backgrounds and experiences, but we all have two things in common, grief, and loss, so welcome to grief academy.
Most of us found ourselves hear through not only losing a loved one, but also because of prior trarma directly, or indirectly connected with loss.
For my part I was my mums carer for some 4 years as she battled dementia, the last 6 months was sheer hell, I was caring for her at home and it was 24 hours/7 days a week, she wanted to pass away at home, I was the only surviving member of her close family having lost twin in September 2021 to brain tumer, resourses were stretched, the world was basically at war with covid and I found myself responsible not only for having carers coming to tend to my mum, but for her palative care as well, my medical qualification consist of stage 3 first aid at work, its first aid, not even medical!, but I am a qualified electronic lab technician and that was helpful with monitoring the driven syringe, never thought I would use my degree for that. The driven syringe was delivering morphine, passing away with dementia is a very painful end and clinically speaking it is a crucifixion, and in the end you drown in your own fluids, the death of Christ, and while stepping up the morphine dose increase this slightly, it reduces the suffering. at 20;10 on the 5th January last year my mum died in my arms, we were alone in the house and the room went very cold, I am 63, but the world at that moment looked a very dark, cold forbidding place, and for the following days I just stayed in my sleeping bag intending to pass away, fortunately a friend came to the house and found me.
A few weeks before my mum past her doctor came to visit, she took one look at me and offered me mental health support there and then, that kind act saved my sanity, and probably my life.
We think our mums have gone, they have not, they walk in spirit with us every day, and while we cannot see them, they can see us, and several of us on this site have had, myself included, what I call paranormal experiences, wait three months then find a reputable medium, a good one, I think you will be amazed, it takes 3 months for them to properly cross over from the earth plane, I was to early, but my dad came through very strongly much to m y surprise as I did not really love him, he passed on 1st December 2008.
Your grief journey WILL be different to mine, there are some 16 types of grief, and we all have them in various amounts, no two cases are the same, there is no such thing as the correct way to grieve, and while neuroscience and fMRI imaging is opening doors on the subject, much of what grief really is is still something of a mystery.
What I can tell you, is that grieving is a learning curve, you will know yourself better at the end of the process, you will be more resilient, and better able to take the knocks of life, consider it the ultimate work out for the mind and the emotions, for that, is what it is, the process demands courage, forbearance, persistence, good faith, and self belief, but you will find your way through.
Blessings to you and to all who love you,
Tim
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PS: forgot to tell you, a useful book
‘You are not alone’ by Julian Lloyd, its her own grief journey in her own words, she is the founder of grief cast
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