Sorry for the long read, but I need help. I posted here about a week ago, I got some helpful responses, but I am struggling so much worse. My house is like 2 in 1. Theres the main level and full basement that is like a seperate home. My dad got dimentia in 2005 and I moved in to help him and my mom until he passed in 2008. Afterward I just stayed because my mom could not maintain this home and she had her own health problems. Nothing life threatening, but from years of taking care of my grandmother, my dad, etc she had to have a hip replacement, had bad arthritis in her hands and shoulders, degenerarive disc desease, IBS, low iron, high blood pressure… just so many things to make her miserable. As she kept getting worse, I eventually did everything the last several years. Taking care of the home, grocery shopping, bringing food home, cooking, cleaning, etc. I didn’t mind any of it because I love my mom more than anything. Last May I had to take her to emergency room for what turned out to me nothing, but they kept her overnight, didnt give her any pain medicine, never put her in a real bed, she was in so much pain. It was a nightmare. Friday 2 weeks ago i called her around 10am and she was hurting bad in her left side under her breast. She told me early that morning she kind of fell going to sit on the toilet and since then she had been hurting. She was hurting pretty bad, but we assumed it was probably a pulled muscle or bruised rib. We both decided to wait and see how she felt in a couple hours before putting her through the hell of going to the ER. I checked on her every couple hours and she was laying in bed trying to get comfortable. At 1pm I told her momma I will be back up at 3 and if you are still hurting like this we need to go to the emergency room. She hated the thought but said we’ll see how I’m feeling then. I came back upstairs 2hrs later and my life as I knew it ended. My precious momma was laying back on the side of the bed and had blood on her nightgown and leg that she was apprently coughing up blood and was gone. I am dying. I took care of everything for my mom and I feel like I completely failed her. This has destroyed me. All i keep thinking is if we hadnt decided to wait and see how she felt and I had made the decision on my own for her to go to the ER she would still be with me. And if she was, would she just have more suggering piled on her? I had no idea it was anything life threating but i feel like i just let my mom die. Please, any words of wisdom would be so appreciated. I do not know how to go on. I even hate coming home because not seeing her or hearing her footsteps upstairs and talking to her is destroying me. God bless and thank you!
Hi @Daryle
Ok, first, sending hugs of support, secondly, I can hear in your message how much you care about your mom, you made a decision at the time based on the knowledge you had, like most people with no medical training, understandable to assume it was just an injured muscle or something. I can hear this is all very traumatic for you, & no doubt your home is a traumatic place to be right now, feel free to talk on this forum as often as you need, I’ve always found there’s someone to talk to.
Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 10 weeks ago and moved in with her to care for her the last year, so i understand the heartbreak and the feeling like part of you has been ripped away. Guilt is a horrible thing and worms its way in at every opportunity, making the grief even more painful. I guess its our brains clinging to the hope of “would they still be around if XYZ happened”. But it doesnt change the reality, it just makes us feel 10 times worse. Ive gone over in my head whether i was the cause of mums suffering and eventual demise in her last 2 weeks because i was TOO vigilant - maybe she didnt need all the interventions by nurses that were so distressing to her. It sounds like you loved your Mum dearly, you took care of her for all those years, you were keeping a close eye on her that final day and also trying to honour her wishes. Youre not a medical professional, the “wait and see” approach sounds perfectly reasonable in the circumstances. If youd gone to the emergency room theres nothing to say that exactly the same would have happened there. Its hard, but try not to let the guilt eat you up. Im sure your Mum wouldnt want that she’d want you to know how grateful she was for all the love and care you gave her 
All my l8ve and hugs and please please stop beating yourself up about not being there for your mum your mum knows how much you l8ved cared and adored her xx