I lost my mom on my birthday

I lost my mom on my 30th birthday in February this year and im still struggling to cope, I woke up in the morning to my sister banging my door and saying mom wasn’t well I got round to her house within 3 minutes of frantically getting dressed and running round there, when I got there she was lying on the floor unconscious and I saw the heart monitor of the paramedics go up and down to a flatline. I instantly started throwing up and felt numb, I lay on her bed with her stroking her Hair and hugging her while she lay there lifeless and cold. I’ve struggled to deal with it ever since and I secretly cry to myself at home everyday about it.i don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about how I feel or the support I need at home. I have vivid dreams of her being here that I now call nightmares because to me they are. I have woke up before asking where Is mom? being half asleep. I don’t know how I will cope this up coming birthday as I still don’t know how to cope. I just feel empty and emotionless. I feel lost and I don’t know what to do.

Hi Kerry7
I’m sorry to read about the sudden loss of your mum. I lost my mum last year when I was 48 but when I was 27 I lost my dad to a sudden heart attack at home like your mum. You dont forget the trauma easily
To lose her on your birthday is awful as well. I struggle very much with the loss of my mum in particular.
Are you and your sister providing comfort to each other at all? My sister and I hardly mention my mum or dad. She isnt a talker like me and prefers to just put it all in the past. Life is for the living apparently
It’s still early days for you as well. Dont forget that

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Dear Kerry,
Reading your post is distressing and very sad. To be woken up and then have to witness the passing of your mum is one of the worst experiences possible. Because you were asleep part of your mind will have assumed it was a nightmare rather than real and that sense of unreality still persists because of the sudden and unexpected nature of your mums death. Whilst people can sometimes identify with the sadness of losing a close family member I feel that the effect of the shock is vastly underestimated even by the medical profession.
Last November our younger son, then aged 27, was out for an evening with my husband who collapsed without warning. He witnessed the failed attempts at CPR and defibrillation. He than followed the ambulance with a paramedic who left him at the hospital on his own. Our elder son arrived with his wife 20 minutes later and found him in the corridor dazed and lost. On that evening and subsequently there was little or no recognition of his distress. Because he was young and strong it was assumed that he would bounce back?!
A year on and he has started counselling to try and manage the intrusive images which were causing him to have nightmares . He went from being a confident young man who had the world at his feet to someone questioning the purpose of such a cruel world. Given what you experienced on that February night it might be worth seeking counselling with someone who is trained to deal with the trauma of sudden death. Sometimes it is difficult to discuss details with friends and however much they try they cannot understand. The counselling is helping him.
Perhaps this might be the next step for you.
It isn’t surprising that you feel lost and emotionless after what you have suffered. Hopefully you will find appropriate support but from our experience you will have to ask for it rather than it being offered. On this site as well you will find others who can offer empathy and guidance. Look after yourself as much as you can.x


Dear @Kerry7,
I was so saddened to read your story about the loss of your Mum. I could very much relate to it because the circumstances of your loss were similar to mine. I lost my wife in mid-July this year. I had fallen asleep in my armchair and didn’t wake up until early afternoon, when I realised my wife had not yet got up. I raced upstairs only to find that she had passed away in bed, and I called the emergency services. I felt as though I had just been thrust into an instant nightmare and everything at the time just felt so surreal. The day she passed was my 64th birthday. I don’t know what I will do next year when my wife’s birthday comes around in early June, and mine comes arounnd 5 weeks later. I’ll probably be on here asking for advice from those who have already been through that experience.
I’m afraid I don’t have any answers for you, but I do understand your feeling lost and struggling with your emotions. I was in a similar circumstance many years ago in my mid-20s and eventually reached a point where I could no longer handle things on my own. At that stage I sought help from a counsellor. She was a very nice lady and I found it easier to tell her things about how I was feeling and my perception of things, because she had no preconceived ideas about me and wasn’t going to pass any judgement on me. I notice @Jobar has also suggested that counselling might be of help. I know it’s not for everyone but it might be worthwile exploring that avenue, just to have someone you can confide in.
I hope you can find the care and comfort you need. Take care.

@Kerry7 Hi so sorry for your loss. I’m sitting here reading the similarities to my mums death, so you’re definitely not alone here. My mum suddenly died just over 2 weeks ago. I live 5 mins away from my parents and I was sitting eating my breakfast just before work when my Dad called frantically. He told me to get home immediately, that mum wasn’t breathing and the paramedics were in the way. I’ve never rushed so much in my life. I got there within 10mins and the paramedics were working on her. They couldn’t bring her back and I’ll forever hear them working on her. I was so traumatised i could only go into the room once everyone left for 2mins. I tried to go back in hours later just as the undertaker came, but I had to leave again because she definitely didn’t look like she was just sleeping. Now I can’t get that image out my head. I too feel completely lost and with Christmas fast approaching I don’t know how I’ll get through it. But I hope talking here with everyone will help in some way and I hope it helps you too x