I Lost mum 15 years ago. She was bed ridden with MS for quite some years. I loved/love her dearly, I visit her grave every weekend. 15 years ago, mum got what we thought was a chest infection and went to hospital for two weeks. She was on a lot of antibiotics during her stay in hospital and wasn’t quite with it when I went to see her. When she came home I was happy that they must have solved the problem and I had mum back.
Her cough persisted. She came home on a Friday and on Sunday she passed away.
I have been bothered deeply by a few things and have a lot of regrets. I was in my early 30’s at the time and was full of myself. On the saturday she came back, I went out to the pub and I’ll never understand why as I should have been by her side. I didn’t know she was going to pass away. Although she had MS and didn’t expect her to die. I also went to the shop on the Sunday to get shopping for the evening meal and my mum asked me to not take long. These were her last words to me and when I came back I found her gone.
My immediate emotion was anger and then I remember just feeling completely numb. Although I missed her deeply, I couldnt cry. Even at her funeral I couldn’t cry. I don’t know what was wrong with me.
I have cried since, included times when it was her birthday and I’ve broken down. But I can look at her photo’s and sometimes not feel that deep connection that I want.
The last two weeks someone mention my mum and nan (who has also passed) and I realised I was feeling deep emotions. I’ve spent the last two weeks crying everyday. I have been deeply missing her and it feels like a lost her a few weeks ago.
Now I think i’ve stopped crying. I just feel so depressed that I didn’t cry as I should have when she passed and for so many years I’ve not been able to tap into these deep emotions. Mum was my best friend, my dad passed away a few years before, but there wasn’t much of a connection between he and I.
Is there something wrong with me? I love her so much and always will. Although she had MS and suffered, she never let it show, she was so strong and I miss her so much. I always thought that when she passed, I would be in pieces. She was so special and I had such a deep connection with her.
I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” - I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts.
I’m so sorry. It’s impossible to make yourself behave in a certain way at a certain time and sometimes things come back to us at a different time. You couldn’t have known what would happen and sometimes we just need to get away. It is just so very heartbreaking, try not to blame yourself so much. I think it’s just impossible to believe it all and take it in so you wonder why you don’t feel anything but I think that’s completely normal.
Thanks for your reply. I sat on her grave yesterday and cried for a while. In the last two weeks i’ve cried and missed her and my heart has never ached so much. This is the way I wanted to grieve when she passed. I’ve read a bit about complicated grief and it sounds like what i’m experiencing. I think on the day when I came back from the shops and saw mum gone, my initial response was anger and then numbness. We were so close that the traumatic experience did something to me in that moment. I’m glad that i’ve been able to let go and really cry for her. Although I’ve always missed her and go to her grave every weekend, something was stopping me feeling that pain and letting go. But the last two weeks or more now, I have been able to and I can’t believe 15 years has gone by and i’ve felt guilty for not being in bits when she passed. Grief is complicated and I’ve been waking up just wanting mum to be there. It’s been tough. Thanks for your help.
Crying is good I think. I have sat on the floor and just wept at the thought I shan’t see her. Now, after 6 months I am a little better, but it does hit me out of the blue time and again, at the strangest prompts. Just a word or a sight of something that reminds me. But if the tears want to come, I think you should let them x
i know about delayed grief and can understand it after even a couple of yrs but not 15 yrs. after that much time you should be enjoying life and moved on. my hubby went into hospital early hrs of sat morning in 2022 for what they thought was a diabetes thing, been there before, i never took much notice he was dead by 12 noon of sepsis, which no one knew he had. i was with him 49 yrs, i was angry and grieved for him but i am over it now, nothing can bring him back, i had to move on
I think people are just different and also different times of your life prompt different reactions. My mum had 39 years without my dad and she never got over it, never wanted anyone else.
Well delayed grief after 15 years has happened to me. I was traumatised by what happened and I became numb. I went on to bury myself in drink and bad financial decisions. Mum my was the most important person to me. So sad and painful. I don’t know how you can say not after 15 years…there is no timeline for this kind of thing. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m going to see a Councillor. All the feelings I should have wanted when mum passed are happening now. I’ve cried for mum loads of times, but the true sadness has now hit me and the realisation that I’m never going to see her again has been overwhelming.
Delayed grief is an experience of feeling deep sorrow, long after experiencing the death of someone you are close with. It is when our emotional reaction to loss doesn’t happen right away. Somehow the reaction is postponed. Pushed off for months, years, or even decades.