I lost my mum on the 5th September

Coping with bereavement
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any help would be appreciated , i have just found this site and thought while im sitting here on my own i would write … i am not coping very well and i think about my mum all the time . she died of kidney and liver failure … i was with her when she passed away, i cant get the picture out my head , i cry all the time i am exhausted , started having headaches , just cant be bothered with anything , i have alot of support from friends and a great husband but i feel like i am a burden , i keep thinking they are sick of hearing me cry or being down. i feel guilty about my mum and i wrote a letter to put in her coffin and a few photos , i still have to collect the ashes and that will be another hard thing to do … i have a nice photo in a frame on the fireplace , i talk to her all the time … i love her so much !!! i just cant get my head around it … any advice or words would be hugely appreciated …regards vicki xxx

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I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and that you feel you are burdening your husband and friends by talking about it. This Online Community is one place where you can talk about your grief as much as you need to - all our users are going through similar experiences and they will understand much of what you are feeling.

Advice that we often see shared here is to be kind to yourself, take things day by day, and allow yourself to grieve - it’s ok to cry as much as you need to, it’s much better than bottling things up.

While you wait for more replies to your post, you may also be interested to read and reply to some conversations between others who have lost a parent, for example:

If there’s anything I can help with, or you have any questions about this Online Community, just get in touch.

Priscilla
Community Manager

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Hi I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my mum on 5th May very suddenly and feel exactly the same. The emotions change regularly from guilt to anger to sheer devastation and don’t worry all this is normal.
I also feel I am a burden to people even though we are not it is easy to feel this way. I feel like people get over it quicker than us as it Is our mum and they don’t want to see us constantly crying but we can’t help it it Is probably one of the hardest times of our life and we need to let it out and not keep it locked inside.
I recently picked up my mums ashes and as your are I was dreading it but surprisingly after crying about it and putting it off once I did it it brought me some comfort.
If you need to talk get in touch I am very new to this site and it is nice to talk to people in a similar situation.
Take care
Sarah

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Hi Vicki, my name is Karen. Firstly, I am so very sorry to hear that you have just lost your mum. I can feel your pain and my thoughts are with you. Mum’s are so precious to us, they gave birth to us and looked after us and love us unconditionally. When we lose such a person in our lives it is like having our hearts ripped out. Our world is shattered and in pieces.

Oh, Vicki, it is very new and raw for you as you only lost her a month ago. You are in the initial stages of grieving when numbness, shock and disbelief are with you and of course you are going to be thinking of your mum all the time. When we lose someone we love it is one of the worst things we can go through and it is like being hit by a bolt of lightening. We are knocked down and it is a huge effort to get up and do things - hence you can’t be bothered to do anything just now. Go easy on yourself and take small steps and don’t try to rush things.

Being exhausted, crying all the time, having headaches and physical things are all part of it because your body is coping with your grief, bereavement and loss and you are under enormous stress and hurt and pain and struggling to cope which is debilitating.

I lost my own mum 9 years ago and I still miss her every day. I wish she was still with me, especially now as I have just lost my partner and soulmate. I know that mum would cuddle me, talk to me and mother me and help me get through my recent loss. That’s what mums do. She was always there for me. Like you, I have her picture over the fireplace and photos all around the house. I still talk to her, even after all this time. I find it immensely helpful and comforting to talk to our loved ones when they are no longer with us. It is good that you are talking to your mum as it brings her closer.

It was a nice idea that you wrote a letter and put in her coffin and also put in photos. I did the same with my mum. So, you have been doing things that I did and that is good as I feel if something feels right to do then it helps. I also made a ‘memory box’ and put in things that were special to mum and I - greetings cards, jewellery, mementos, special photos, letters, a little bear I bought her saying ‘special mum’, a handkerchief (mum always liked a clean handkerchief in her bag). You can put anything in it you want. It will be special to the two of you.

It is good that you have a lot of support from friends and a husband. I have had 4 bereavements in 17 years and I have found that you find out who your real friends are and some people come in for you and support you that you least expect. Then some tend to shy away from you. You need to talk about it all and not bottle it up. It is good that you have found this site as you can come on here when you want and pour out your heart to people that are in the same boat and will be understanding, supportive and non judgemental. I feel very isolated and lonely so to come on this site has been a real help to me. I have picked up some tips and help and advice and it has been a life line. We are all in it together and support each other.

You might hear this a lot but it makes sense and that is ‘be kind to yourself’. You are going through an awful ordeal and you need to look after yourself, even though this is hard at times. Rest when you can, eat if only little and often and don’t push yourself to do things too quickly. Do things in your own time and try to do things that help. You will find out what these are as you go along, for example going for a walk, gardening, seeing a friend, watching television, doing a hobby etc. ACKNOWLEDGE and ACCEPT that you are grieving and that it is a process you need to go through. You shouldn’t feel like you are a burden because you are not. You have suffered a great loss and need time to heal.

I am going to a bereavement support group and last week I learnt that a bereavement is like having a WOUND. I hadn’t thought of it like that before but it really is true. Patrick (who leads our group) said a wound needs time and tender loving care to heal and you cannot rush it. If you don’t grieve properly your wound will take longer to heal.

In the early stages of my bereavements I have found that reading bereavement and grieving books helped me. I can recommend ‘The Courage to Grieve’ by Judy Tatelbaum; ‘Healing Grief’ by James Van Praagh; and ‘Cope with Bereavement’ by Aileen Milne. Reading these books gave me tips and advice and helped me realise that what I was feeling was entirely NORMAL and also gave me practical advice and emotional comfort. You will be going through a huge range of emotions and feelings. As someone on this site said “bereavement and grieving doesn’t come with an instruction manual or in a neat little package” so you will be all over the place for a while. That is normal and part of the bereavement and grieving journey.

Getting her ashes will be hard but I am sure your husband or a supportive friend will go with you. Remember that your mum would be proud of you for coping the way you are and for doing what you are doing. It is not easy as I fully well know.

Thinking of you and hope you reply again soon. Take care. Best wishes from Karen xx

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Vicki, just came upon your post. I am deeply sorry to hear of your loss and pain. I too lost my Mum at the end of July this year, bless her she passed away after an illness, quicker than we anticipated. I feel as if the past two months have passed in a blur, life has carried on, but lately I feel quite mixed, I seem to be grieving more now than I initially did. Mum always taught me her beliefs about life and I now find great comfort in that, but lately I feel like the grief has caught up with me. Finding sites like this are deeply comforting, to find others who understand your pain. My heart goes out to you and all others who are in the midst of their grief. I know time does heal, my Dad passed away 10 yrs ago and my pain at the loss of him healed over the years. Life is never the same how can it be, but it does move on and eventually we learn to move with it, gradually we have moments when we experience the joy in things again. X

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Hi thank you so much for your reply, i will talk to people on here , i have had some lovley replies and this has helped me alot.

best wishes
vicki xx

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Hi,
it was lovley to hear from you and your kind words . i am so sorry for your loss too. Its been a month today , i have better days than others, still not sleeping great and im so tired .will take one day at a time …this site is really good and its helping me a great deal, i dont feel alone.

take care and im always here for a chat
best wishes
vicki xx

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Hi Karen,

it was lovley to hear from you and i really appreciated the time and your kind words of comfort. you are so right in everything you said, i am taking one day at a time and sites like this are really helping me , i know i am not alone .i will try and read one of the books you mentioned and let you know .
i am really sorry for your losses too, my heart goes out to you .

take care and speak soon.
best wishes
vicki xx