I lost my wife

Losing a partner
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I lost my wife almost 12 months ago married for 35 years she was only 52 I can’t seem to take that step forward to live my life without her. I have had people say get over it but I’m finding it so hard. I felt it should have been me I do feel guilty

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Dear @Jezz

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your wife. 35 years together is a long time and life time of memories for you to carry in your heart. I see that you are new to the Community, I do hope it will bring support and comfort to you. We all understand what you are going through.

You are still grieving and grief is sadly not a quick fix. It is a journey to be taken at your pace, it is not a race and for when people think you should be over it be now. You never get over losing the loss of a loved one, you learn to accept they are not coming back.

I would like to share a few resources by Sue Ryder which may be of help and support to you until someone comes along to offer support having been in the same situation as yourself.

You are not alone, please continue to reach out at any time. We are here for you.

Take care.

Pepsi

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@Jezz
I don’t think people telling you to ‘get over it’ is a helpful approach. If only it were that easy.
I have stared reading a book called Resilient Grieving by Lucy Hone, which a lovely friend I made via this forum sent me. I’m yet to get very far with it as I haven’t had much reading time the last few days but it looks helpful. There are techniques advised in it which I may well adopt.

As for my own ways, I am a glass half full type of person so I do tend to see the positives in life as much as I can. I know it can be hard to see positives when you have lost your love but I know things could have been worse for my darling Richard had he survived the awful coronary embolus. He was a very active person who would have hated to not be able to do the things he valued himself for.
It could also have been worse for me in that I wasn’t the one with him and trying to resuscitate him and not managing. Also my learning disabled daughter could have been watching and he been at home.

I also feel truly blessed that I had him in my life and we had the level of love which makes this loss so hard to bear. So many people never have that.

I also have a VERY busy life as he left about 90 acres of farmland, which I have never had to look after before as he did all that, with just the occasional help doing what he asked me to. As m mentioned, I have a daughter, now 24, with a learning disability who is far from independent and we live 12 miles from the nearest town so she needs taxi driving to several places frequently. My other daughter is getting married this year and needs my love and support too; she adored her Dad.
Then there’s the house and garden, which we designed and created (Richard did all the hard landscaping.)

I am determined to make him proud of me and look after what he created and cared about. Hence I was up the scaffolding tower at the back of the house last summer sanding and revarnishing window frames and it’ll be the front of the house this summer.

Do I have a choice in all this - I don’t see one but I suppose there is? I could ignore my daughters’ needs, let the house and garden go to ruin, not let the land and so not have the upkeep of it which includes checking sheep daily at the moment, but what would that say about my love for Richard if I didn’t care for the things which were important to him? I couldn’t do any of that and hold my head up so a busy life it is.

I think we maybe need to find new purpose. Mine has been thrust upon me but at least I have it. It is so painful doing a lot of these things without Richard but I do feel I have done him proud when the raspberry bed has been spread with muck, and will do when I get round to making new covers for the strawberry bed.

Sending love to all and hope and prayers that you can find whatever your new, and after painful life is meant to be. xxx

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@Jezz my circumstances are very similar to yours, 34yrs together teenage lovers. My linda was gone within 4hrs that horrific day, still play the day over and over in my mine, when i have lows. As many on this community have said before take small steps going forward. These can be very simple get outside (if you are able) go for a walk. If you are up to it go to a coffee shop as listening to other people i have found a reasonable distraction, Personally i look for small crumbs of joy as being with some one for this length of time is a up hill struggle to fight against the grief wind. As i recently said to my councillor i may stumble (triggers) but for me try not to fall flat on my face as it takes me weeks to pick myself up again. I was a very purpose driven person and so have a constant daily internal battle with myself to drive myself forward. People who say get over it have no idea on the depth of sorrow we are all going through, so do not pay them any credence. I have reach out to join group called way up which is for widowers and widows who are looking for purpose in this WFT world we are living in! Stay strong buddy and you are in my thoughts.

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@Allen2
Could you please tell us more about that group you joined?
Thank you.

Exactly as you say, the little steps are sometimes as much as we can manage. I still fell apart a couple of days ago when all I had to do was check that the sheep were ok and I wasn’t sure so I panicked then the grief ambush got me.

Hugs and love. xxx

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Sorry, I’ve realised my first post reads like a lecture or a ‘look at me and what I am doing’ self satisfying boast.
The trouble is, when we do achieve something we want to share it with someone and the obvious person to share with isn’t here.
Sincere apologies if I came across as unhelpful. :heart:

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Not at all I wish I had something like that but I live alone in a small flat and am disabled. I appreciate all replies it is helping.

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@Jezz
You will still have your unique strengths and talents. Are there things you enjoyed in the past which you can learn more about and extend your knowledge in? Can you help others with your knowledge in any area? Joining other online forums (as well as here, certainly not instead of :wink:) may give you some outlet for your skills either to learn more or to share with others.

You know yourself but maybe have stopped valuing yourself. Look into who you are and which things you can still do or would like to have a go at anew. Hugs xxx

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@KarenF here is the web link Way Up – Online Widowed Support Group (way-up.co.uk). I found this link through a thread on this site.

@Jezz really feel for you man, please keep posting as does help as we all understand, just wish there was a magic wand to help less these grief waves.

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Thank you @Allen2

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Magic wand just to help the grief. Not to forget we all don’t want to forget

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@Jezz, I know how you are feeling. Coming up to 3 years since I lost my Viv and I still feel guilty that I should have done more but didn’t or couldn’t. It’s a very hard road to go down but stick with it.

We were together for 24 years (after divorce from my first wife), married for 18 years but my love for her was and still is, unbounded. I am lost without her but life has to go on albeit such a struggle. I’ve got two dogs, a cat and so many (step) grandchildren that need me to be there for them that it drives me forward day to day. I don’t know how I have done it for the last 3 years but I’ve managed to! Take care and know that it does get a bit better, if never forgotten, I will never forget her, she is with me every single day. x

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Thank you I can relate so much to feeling I could have done more. It doesn’t help that my father in law blames me totally for her death. Hasn’t spoken to me since the night she died. That hurts I know he is trying to turn the family against me he’s using me as a scapegoat I have 3 kids and 4 grandchildren they are what keeps me going that’s why I’m still here.

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@Jezz children and grandchildren are why we are here, they need us even though they may not realise it. My father in law always blamed me for the divorce of my first wife as do my own children, whom I have very little contact with. However, my step children and their children are comforts in my life and that’s what keeps me going, Take care.

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Exactly i have said it before my granddaughter keeps me on this WTF planet.

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Should say death not divorce

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Hello Jez,

I’m 3 years on from losing my darling wife of 22 years to ovarian cancer. The grief doesn’t go, but it does change. I went through different stages of grief multiple times, and still do. It has improved (for me) a wee bit each time. Disbelief, depression, guilt, acceptance.

I was made redundant 6 months on from my wife’s death which perhaps forced me to make changes quicker than I would have otherwise. You never get over the loss of your life partner and loved one. But I can build a new life, which is what she would have wanted me to do. She told me that.

It helps that we had time to have talk about what would happen and discussed what she wanted. She was braver about it than me. I think I was in shock, which I do feel guilty about.

It does help that some of her friends kept me in their circle. I have joined walking groups and have met new friends. Women and men. Several of them also widowed. It is really very nice to walk, go for a coffee and chat. I do feel the need to talk a lot now.

Take care,
David

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My wife Sheila passed away on the 28th of February last year. Everyone keeps saying it will get easier, that is a load of crap. It will never get easier.

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Agree Ste1, 3 years on next month and it hasn’t get any easier for me. You learn to cope in a strange way because there are other things to think about. Children, step-children, grand-children, pets etc. I have to be here for them but it is hard. Take care Ste1 x

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@Johnch yes agree we support our remsining love ones which provides a distracton, and may be a,crumb of joy but we are hollow without our solemates.

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