I lost my wonderful mum x

Losing a parent
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Hi all. My name is Becky and I recently lost my poor mum. She was the one true love of my life, my best friend and I’m struggling so bad, to the point where I just feel like I just want to be with her so this pain will stop. When I was just 16, we lost my brother to really tragic circumstances, and from then on my mum was never the same again. Myself, my sister and my mum were all really close, and at the age of 61 she left us. She didn’t die peacefully, I literally felt her take her last breathes and I’m traumatised. My best friend in the whole world has gone, and I’m struggling, really struggling.

I have an amazing husband and 3 beautiful children, my sister and her wonderful family, a few great friends, my dad has been amazing even though they didn’t get on and we’re separated for many years. I just feel so alone.

When we lost my brother, who played a massive part in my growing up and we were really close, I didn’t think anything could hurt more than that, and this pain is unbearable. I feel like I’m no good to anybody, and I’m just stuck in this vicious circle with all of these overwhelming emotions.

I miss her so much I can’t put into words, and I feel like I will feel like this forever until I’m with her again.

My eldest who is 9 is really struggling, as her and my mum were really close.

I’m so lost.

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Hello Becky, I can feel your pain in your post and my heart hurts for you. On this site we have all felt that deep killing pain when our loved one has had to go and yes we want to follow them but it’s not our time. You say it’s recent and those first few months are dreadful and we all feel for you. Take time to look after yourself and don’t rush. I can only sympathise with and say if things don’t get better look at counselling, either here from Sue Ryder or Cruse because they can help you over the worst of your grieving. Sending love and hugs Sxxx

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Thankyou for replying Susie, it really means alot.

I feel like I don’t get time for myself, as we don’t have family to help.qith the kids, we live away due to my husbands job, and he works full time.

I know I need some sort of help, as the symptoms I’m showing are the same my poor mum went through when she lost her first born, her blue eye, and he was only 29. I turned 30 on Friday, and that hurt that I never got the happy birthday phonecall from her etc. I just feel how she died was so cruel and traumatic. I was the only one in the room with her, and to feel my poor mums body go lifeless in my arms is something that will haunt me forever.

I have looked at cruse, but I will take a look at Sue Ryders counselling.

Thankyou again for your time xx

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Becky, I am pleased you are looking at counselling, it will help, just have an open mind regarding expectations. Thinking of you mothers death, the last person I sat with when they were going had waited for her daughter to leave and I felt it was a privilege for me and perhaps that may help you to think in those terms. If anyone else was there you wouldn’t have the same experience. I remember, a long time ago when I father went, I had this sudden feeling of a weight being lifted from me and although I was near by I was not in the room. Death doesn’t have be the same for the person who is going and she may have been feeling thankful that it was happening. Death and all it brings is just not talked about which is a shame because we need to be open. Your mum will be in a happy place no matter what. Oh, happy Birthday xxx

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Susie123, mums death just seemed to.happen so quickly. From them telling me and my sister there was nothing more they could do, to.them taking her oxygen mask off and her passing away so violently. That’s the only image I had of her. Nothing was explained to my sister and I about end of life and what we should expect to see/hear, and once my poor mum started to make noises my sister ran off to be sick. I can still hear the noises mum made and the movement of her body in my arms over my sobbing and screams.

I feel like a little girl who needs her mum. But you never stop needing your mum, right?

I’m struggling to believe she will be happy where she is. As I know she wasn’t ready to leave, she told me so herself in hospita. She will be happy to be reunited with my brother, but sad she’s not here to see her little darlings (grandchildren grow).

I’m hoping this forum will help me in some type of way, as I try to function as a mum, wife and sister.

Xxx

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Try just thinking of the future and try to forget those memories which hurt you. My blessings being sent.
S xx

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Hi,
I am new to here, it’s 8 weeks tonight that my mum passed away.

I can totally related to your post Becs . Mum took ill in mid Feb and from there it was a battle, which she fought harder than she even thought she was capable of. I was with my mum also when she took her last breath and although I had some idea of what removing all medical support and being in palletive care would mean for mum and us, some things myself and my small family didn’t know and found traumatizing. Mum was in this no medical support end of life for 13 days, the last 4 days where hard especially the last day as I knew it would be here last, the death rattle I just couldn’t cope with at all. I stayed with my mum over that duration 24/7 I never left her side.

My doctor says that I am suffering from the trauma of what happened to my amazing mum and also her death too as it was also very sudden and she was also in alot of pain and suffering.

Like yourself, the bond, connection and relationship I had with my mum was very special, living with her and seeing her every day and even when I left she would call me even when I travelled for work or pleasure we would speak 2/3 times a day. We where massive parts of each others lives. She was my world, my rock and my first true love in life.

I know grief is a personal experience and journey and I have lost family members and friends but nothing and I mean nothing compares to this, the pain mentally and physically has me broken, lost and on my knees every day.

8 weeks on and I know she isn’t coming back, but yet I wake every morning and for the first few moments I think it’s been a bad dream and then I know it’s not. I can’t control my emotions constant crying and just feel consumed and over whelmed by her not being here and all she endured and battled and for what, she told me she was scared to die and not ready to leave us!!! Again I can relate to this with you and her not being ready! But my mum believed in God and I am trying to come to terms that he decided her time was no longer to be here but to gain her wings.

I understood so much about how unwell she was and the overall outcome but the reality of it all is where I am struggling so bad. The void, gap and the physical pain I just don’t know if I have the strength to get thru it all with out her.

I keep hearing time is a healer and it gets easier with time but the pain u learn to live with. Part of me is like I would be annoyed if I wasn’t suffering but at the same time it’s getting harder and harder each day.

I’ve called cruse and they offered more telephone chats but o feel I need to sit down or video call with someone, I know everyone’s way of dealing with grief is different and not to compare but my sister, niece and dad seem to be handling and dealing with it alot better than I am, I am letting my thoughts and feelings out, crying when I need to cry and talking to my other half and best friend. Nothing seems to help. Life with out my mum doesn’t seem possible. :broken_heart:

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Hi cheryl, I’m so sorry to hear about your mum I too lost my dear mum 8 weeks Saturday just gone and finding it hard to accept shes gone, she went it to hospital for tests as her inflammation levels were high gave her 5 days of antibiotics then did a MRI, ct scan ultrasound and blood tests! She had secondary liver cancer, basically was told she had 6/12 months so I gave up my job had her at home so she was with dad and all her family cared for her she lasted 6 weeks :pensive: her death to at the end was heartbreaking with the breathing and the rattle but I stayed with her till she took her last breath, I hope she knew I was there, I’ve cried every day, I miss her so much I just feel so lost, like a little girl who just needs her mum! I’m waiting for counselling with cruse I’ve spoken to a GP just after mum passed about how I was feeling and she said you’ve not only lost your dear mum, you’ve lost your role because you cared for your mum till the end, I don’t think I will ever get over it, I’m so tired all the time, I don’t enjoy being out like I did before, I’m more comfortable and feel less stressed at home, I’ve thought about ringing my GP again to see if there’s anything they can advise as to what to have to help with the feeling I have or do I just have to ride it out till or if it gets better, I feel your pain too the emotions are so exhausting its such a rollercoaster ride we are on through this dark road, look after yourself keep messaging on here it is comforting to hear other people’s stories that you are not alone
Take care Lynn xx

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Hi Cheryl x

I’m so so sorry to hear that you are going through the same, and you had to lose your wonderful mum and best friend. My heart is already broken, and it’s broken for you too.

My mum too was admitted in to hospital whilst she was staying with me while my husband worked away. She didn’t seem right after a couple of falls and sleeping really deeply and even with her begging me not to ring an ambulance I did, and its a good job I did or we would have lost her back then, due to an internal bleed. And since coming out of hospital, she was never the same. But I still wasn’t prepared for this. Not her fpr her to.leave me yet, and in such a cruel way.

I am the same as you. I cry, I cry all of the time. Sometimes to the point where I am nearly sick because my body hurts so much. There is a physical side when it comes to grief the doctor told me, and it is all to do with the trauma.

My sister doesn’t cry as much as I do, and I’ve the young children to look after, and I cry all the time. I can’t keep myself together- why should we? Our best friend in the entire world has gone.

I still call and text my mum everyday. Today was hard because it was my little ones first morning at nursery, and I couldn’t send my mum any photos or call her every morning like I used to for hours on end.

I’m with you on this journey. So lost and full of guilt and pain. I just want my poor mum back.

Becky xxxx

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Hi Lynn x

I’m sonsp sorry to hear about your mum passing too. Although I hope you do take comfort that she was at home in her own surroundings and with those she loved, even though she should still be here with you x

I’m completely with you on the feeling better when at home and not outside, I get heart palpitations now doing the school run, I hate being anywhere else but home.

I know exactly what your saying about the daily feeling your living with. I rang my doctor and asked for help several times since mum passed, to be told there isn’t a magic pill they can give you to make this better. I obviously know that, but I know there are things to calm your nerves etc. But they just don’t want to listen!

Sending love and strength xx