I am new to here, it’s 8 weeks tonight that my mum passed away.
I can totally related to your post Becs . Mum took ill in mid Feb and from there it was a battle, which she fought harder than she even thought she was capable of. I was with my mum also when she took her last breath and although I had some idea of what removing all medical support and being in palletive care would mean for mum and us, some things myself and my small family didn’t know and found traumatizing. Mum was in this no medical support end of life for 13 days, the last 4 days where hard especially the last day as I knew it would be here last, the death rattle I just couldn’t cope with at all. I stayed with my mum over that duration 24/7 I never left her side.
My doctor says that I am suffering from the trauma of what happened to my amazing mum and also her death too as it was also very sudden and she was also in alot of pain and suffering.
Like yourself, the bond, connection and relationship I had with my mum was very special, living with her and seeing her every day and even when I left she would call me even when I travelled for work or pleasure we would speak 2/3 times a day. We where massive parts of each others lives. She was my world, my rock and my first true love in life.
I know grief is a personal experience and journey and I have lost family members and friends but nothing and I mean nothing compares to this, the pain mentally and physically has me broken, lost and on my knees every day.
8 weeks on and I know she isn’t coming back, but yet I wake every morning and for the first few moments I think it’s been a bad dream and then I know it’s not. I can’t control my emotions constant crying and just feel consumed and over whelmed by her not being here and all she endured and battled and for what, she told me she was scared to die and not ready to leave us!!! Again I can relate to this with you and her not being ready! But my mum believed in God and I am trying to come to terms that he decided her time was no longer to be here but to gain her wings.
I understood so much about how unwell she was and the overall outcome but the reality of it all is where I am struggling so bad. The void, gap and the physical pain I just don’t know if I have the strength to get thru it all with out her.
I keep hearing time is a healer and it gets easier with time but the pain u learn to live with. Part of me is like I would be annoyed if I wasn’t suffering but at the same time it’s getting harder and harder each day.
I’ve called cruse and they offered more telephone chats but o feel I need to sit down or video call with someone, I know everyone’s way of dealing with grief is different and not to compare but my sister, niece and dad seem to be handling and dealing with it alot better than I am, I am letting my thoughts and feelings out, crying when I need to cry and talking to my other half and best friend. Nothing seems to help. Life with out my mum doesn’t seem possible.